posted
I think I have overcooked this, essentially. Any and all comments welcome .
quote:Jamie glanced at his watch again: 2.35. Late.
‘****,’ he said.
The station was packed, full of people, pressing in on all sides. Trains screamed past with abrasive regularity. Not enough space. Too much sound.
Hard to breathe.
‘****,’ said Jamie, back against the wall. Another one, claxons blaring. It dragged the wind behind it. It bore down on him, on the crowds, the platform trembling.
‘Jamie?’
The ground was shaking so much. Too hard. Too many voices.
‘Jamie where are you? I’m here, Jamie!’
‘****,’ whispered Jamie, sinking to his knees.
I was going for fear, then panic, and then a feeling of being overwhelmed.
So: is it overwritten (or indeed just badly written), do you feel any tension, and is it obvious that Jamie has some sort of problem (and that he isn't just massively overreacting)? And, of course, would you read on?
posted
The first imprecation made me think he'd simply missed his train. But I think you do a erasonable job then of showing the increased tension in him.
My problem, however, is that I don't know who Jamie is, what he's late for, where he is (other than a station), what's at stake... not saying I need to know ALL of these things in a first 13, but ultimately what I read here is someone I don't know having a tough time. No clue as to where the story might be going, or why I should be interested in the person.
The writing's clean. But, if I'm a busy editor flooded with submissions, why should I read on?
posted
I’m finding your first 13 too vague. I do have a nice picture of the train station setting, but after that you aren’t telling me much. It seems like it might be interesting. I’d like to know more about Jamie, his age, what’s so upsetting about a late train, who’s yelling for him, etc. I’d also like some indication of what is to follow in the story. Are commuters going to spontaneously start exploding and sending out shrapnel of cheap candy to be enjoyed by all, or will brain eating zombies rise up from beneath the rails and start doing what brain eating zombies do, or will an alien menace start thinning out the crowd with a neato green ray gun with an orange trigger button. There is nothing in your narrative that excludes or includes any of these possibilities and I’d like to be told a little bit more about the story that I’m reading.
I like what you have written for what it is, but I do not think that I would keep reading.
Alas, I suppose it is slightly devoid of plot. In some ways I'm glad about what you both said - I'd focussed entirely on trying to get across Jamie's panic, and that at least seems to have worked ok - but you're right, I haven't remembered to give any real indication of the story itself.
posted
I'm with the other respondents. It's just a little too vague and formless. Not that it isn't going toward a brilliant end. It just needs a more effective hook.
Also, I suggest trimming your dialogue tags a bit. We've only been introduced to one character so we can assume that Jamie is the one talking. This will buy you some more words and tightens the prose as well.
I'm interested in reading the final piece when its ready.
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