posted
Jerrel Emsuss casually hummed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, folded sheet of paper and blue ballpoint pen, wiping small droplets of blood off of his visor. He unfolded the pen as he walked over to the nearest parking garage wall. Pressing the sheet against the wall, he looked it, counting the small lines that covered the entire page from top to bottom. “Two hundred an forty-three kills.” He muttered to himself with a grin. “I still have two months to go till 2106 and I already killed more than last year.” Holding the sheet of paper to the wall with one hand, he turned around and began to count the bodies one-by-one. He had disposed of six guards and successfully eliminated today’s target, as well as his wife. Jerrel wrote down eight more lines and folded the paper, placing it back in his pocket.
Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
You know for some reason the idea that your MC killed 243 people doesn't creep me out as much as how he likes to talk to himself. This is well written but I suggest if you change that dialog to his own inner thoughts and it will be good to go.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 30, 2008).]
posted
Picky point. I couldn't see how reaching into his pocket and wiping blood off his visor are that closely related. They come in the same sentence with an "and" and it disturbed me.
Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
I'm with arriki, and I'll take it one step further. You've got six actions in the first sentence.
There's also a lot of pointless minutia here. Why do I care how big the sheet of paper is? Why does it matter what he is writing with? I know that the pen is blue, and it has a ball point. Unless he's going Jason Bourne on someone in the next scene, I don't need to know this.
You tell me he looked at the sheet before counting the lines. The looking is part of the counting, cut the looking.
And I defy you to show me humming that is not casual.
The sentence that says "two months till 2016" is blaringly info-dumpish.
When you say "as well as his wife," I had to pause to make sure you didn't mean Jerrel's wife.
Aside from all that, this is an interesting idea. I want to read more about this guy, and why he's killing people. I want to know what kind of society this is. With some editing I think this could be really great.
posted
Thanks for the critiques. I'll edit it to remove the pointless sections and to separate things better (such as not having multiple unrelated actions in one sentence) then post a re-done intro in this topic.
[This message has been edited by Marcellios (edited August 30, 2008).]
quote:Jerrel Emsuss casually hummed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, folded sheet of paper and blue ballpoint pen, wiping small droplets of blood off of his visor.
I liked what you've written; However, I don't think I would want to read about a person commiting one multiple murder after another, but that's a different issue. I believe I understand what you were going for in this opening sentence - it has a certain shock value. It is a single sentence ending with a participle phrase. What if you put the phrase at the beginning? - "Wiping..., Jerrel..." - it should be more readable. Also get rid of the comma between "small" and "folded" - it causes confusion and is not needed. I agree that you don't need the color or type of pen (I would list the pen first). These are just suggestions. I agree with the others regarding unnecessary info, and check for omissions. Best wishes.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 31, 2008).]
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