posted
I started writing this today, it's about 3500 words. It's a fantasy story and only going to be about 7000-8000 words. I'd appreciated feedback on the first 13 lines and if anyone would like to read it when I've finished it that would be great. Thanks
Tomorrow the sun would rise and he would be tortured. At least some things were constant. “On your feet.” One of the guards shouted roughly from the other side of the metal cell. Sighing and rolling his eyes Saber climbed to his feet and moved to the door. “Turn around.” “I know the drill.” He retorted dryly turning around and placing his hands behind his back. Quickly the guard whom he had nickmamed, the stupid one, clamped iron shackles around his wrista. The weight of the shackles pulled down on his arms and rubbed the already raw and chaffed skin but he didn’t complain, there would be no point.
quote:Tomorrow the sun would rise and he would be tortured. At least some things were constant.
Great idea for a first line, but the construction of the first sentence is weak. Consider rephrasing.
quote:“On your feet.” One of the guards shouted roughly from the other side of the metal cell.
I'm not sure how to visualize their relative positions. Are they in the same cell but on opposite sides? There's got to be a stronger way to say "shouted roughly."
quote:Sighing and rolling his eyes Saber climbed to his feet and moved to the door.
You've got four actions in one sentence. Consider separating them. And sighing tells me the same thing as rolling his eyes. I would cut one of them.
quote:“I know the drill.” He retorted dryly turning around and placing his hands behind his back.
I think you mean: "I know the drill," he retorted dryly, turning around...
I'm going to assume he is retorting dryly, especially if you've already told me he is rolling his eyes.
quote: Quickly the guard whom he had nickmamed, the stupid one, clamped iron shackles around his wrista. The weight of the shackles pulled down on his arms and rubbed the already raw and chaffed skin but he didn’t complain, there would be no point.
I don't care if it's "quickly." This is punctuated incorrectly. I think you mean "wrists." This is a run on sentence. Edit your own work before sending to the forum.
I just can't buy that a guy is being tortured every day and is so casual about it. I need some reason why he is able to endure this.
posted
Thanks for reading it. It isn't that he is able to endure it it's that he hasn't been there that long. Only about a month and gets tortured once a week. That part is explained in the next 300 words or so. I appreciate the feedback. Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2006
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As has already been identified, the opening needs clarifying and sharpening as you've got run-on sentences, multiple actions within one sentence, etc. You risk having the reader a bit lost as to what's happening even though you've got a perfectly good mental picture of the action and the location.
Personally, I'd lose my dry sense of humour after being tortured once. Unless it's torture of a Monty Python style ("No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"), it loses credibility if your protag treats it so flippantly.
posted
I understand what you are saying and I'll try to rewrite the intro so it does not sound as flippant. I think I wrote it that way because the torture is never fully delved into, just a means to an end. My main character is trying his best not to let them break him.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
If you want your character to sound less flippant, you could always write something like,
"He rolled his eyes for the guards' benefit even as his stomach clenched from the memory of pain."
And far be it from me to try to get into the mind of a person who is being tortured - nothing remotely like that has ever happened to me - but perhaps humor (even dry humor) is a way of survival. It all depends on how you want to create your character, Rosalie.
Feel free to send this story to me when you're finished it.
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