posted
This is a WIP that I'm 1100 words into and looking like it's going to be 5 to 6 thousands words long. I am unsure if this opening is working. Comments please.
quote:Elizabeth gazed out the port side window of Tesla’s Legacy. The I-5 freeway cut through the Newhall pass below. The cars and trucks traveling on the freeway put her in mind of blood flowing through a vein. Further south she could see the outlines of Los Angles and her surrounding neighborhoods. She turned her attention to the front window. The wide expanse of the Pacific lay ahead. Off to the left she could see the helicopter, TL-1 , Tesla’s eyes when net condensation commenced. It maintained a constant video link of Tesla, one it fed to the airship. An image of Tesla’s Legacy shown on one of the six monitors inside the derigible. The blimp was covered in a bright silver skin. Large strips of thin copper vertically circled it. The
Second version
quote:Elizabeth gazed out the port side window of Tesla’s Legacy. I-5 cut through the Newhall pass below, the cars and trucks putting her in mind of blood flowing through a vein. Further south she could see Los Angles and her surrounding neighborhoods. Out the front window, the wide expanse of the Pacific lay ahead. Off to the left she could see the helicopter, TL-1 , Tesla’s eyes when net condensation commenced. An image of Tesla’s Legacy shown on one of the six monitors inside the derigible. The blimp was covered in a shiny silver skin. Large strips of thin copper vertically circled it. The gondola had a large dish attached to a mechanical arm near its aft section. She punched at the keyboard to zoom the view in closer. The gondola filled up the screen. She waved at the
Third version (and I'm not sure if its any better)
quote:Elizabeth Henderson ran her hand across the surface of the console. Tesla’s Legacy was her baby, the fruit of her labors for the last ten years. Now so many wanted her baby to die. The pilot, Dave Hurley, pointed at one of the six monitors in front of Elizabeth. It showed a wide view of the airship, a blimp with a shiny silver skin with thin strips of copper vertically circling it. “Looks like a Christmas ornament.” She gave him a light backhand across his arm. “I think it’s beautiful.” Elizabeth jumped when Nathan’s voice boomed over the speaker. “We have well-wishers waiting for us on the beach.” “Thanks TL-1,” Dave answered to the helicopter pilot who would be Tesla’s eyes once condensation commenced.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 29, 2008).]
Elizabeth gazed out the port (hypen--I think)side window of Tesla’s Legacy(Personally would italicise the ships name all the way through, espeially if you start to here). The I-5 freeway cut through the Newhall pass below (Personally I would start this sentence with below as it puts the POV in the right place. e.g. Below, freeway cars cut...). The cars and trucks traveling on the freeway put her in mind of blood flowing through a vein(A little telling here, we know it is her POV .Why not: The cars and trucks sped down the freeway like blood cells pulsing through a vein.). Further south she could see (saw) the outlines of Los Angles and her surrounding neighborhoods. She turned her attention (Wordy. Anywhere she looks is where he attention is, generally. She glanced through the front window; the wide expanse...) to the front window. The wide expanse of the Pacific lay ahead. Off to the left she could see (saw)the helicopter, TL-1 (doing what? I would suggest you give it a verb like hovering), Tesla’s(italicise: I was confused, thinking this was a person--but then I am an idiot) eyes when net condensation (interesting--hook!) commenced. It maintained a constant video link of Tesla, one it fed to the airship.(You say it's Tesla's eyes yet it seems to be only viewing Tesla? This bit is slighlty confusing.) An image of Tesla’s Legacy (italiscise) shown on one (Be specific, it paints a more precise picture--which one?) of the six monitors inside the derigible. The blimp was covered in a bright (bright? DO you mean shiny or reflective? I personally would reserve bright for things like bright yellow etc., but that's just my choice.) silver skin. Large strips of thin copper vertically circled it. The
The prose is nice, the hook is slight, the net condensation thingy. However I kind of lost this with my confusion over the eyes bit. The TL-1 would be eyes of Tesla, but those eyes are seem to currently maintain a constant vido link of Tesla. I think you need to spell out some inpending doom a little more as net condensation could just be routine maintenance. If it was implied it may be a bad thing/risky thing or whatever then it raises the stakes and sinks your hook a little more.
I have identified the need to italicize the ship's name--which you have done in places, but not everywhere--because it didn't remain that way hen I cut and pasted it. So ignore it where it is wrong.
Build the hook a little more and I would definitely read on.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 28, 2008).]
I do have Tesla italicised in my story but forgot to {I} them when I placed it here (Doh). The Tesla eyes reference becomes clearer futher in. The blimp is a magnet for water vapor. It makes a cloud and takes it to a dryer spot. The cloud encircles the blimp so the copter needs to see for it. Trying to cram all that info for a hook I believe won't work but this opening seems a bit bland to me. Thanks a mil.
As you've identified, the hook isn't quite strong enough yet. There's a lot of space taken up with describing the Tesla, etc.
I really like the idea as you've described. Can you remove some of the description until later in the story and move the entry closer to the crisis? Mechanically, the rewrite is pretty solid, there's just not that sense of "that's interesting" for me yet. Nothing has really happened and I think you can skip on some of the placesetting until slightly later. All in all, it's pretty good, but lacks a little punch.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 28, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 28, 2008).]
posted
The prose is fine, but I didn't see a hook. It feels as if I should be expecting an interesting traffic incident in the next paragraph, which would be a slight hook. Of course, if the incident involved flying robot monkeys chasing UFOs in between the traffic, that would be a whole other ball game; but it's the old story of foreshadowing that in the 1st 13.
The shifting focus (airship, freeway, LA, Pacific, helicopter, details on monitors, details on airship...) makes it hard to settle into the story and (possibly) prevents you from getting to what makes the situation unique.
You might want to think about trimming one or more of the 'camera' shifts, a name or two and some of the detail on the monitor and the ship in order to get into the action?
posted
This didn't hook me. There's a lot of room spent describing the surroundings, and then the dirigible itself, neither of which I found particularly interesting or insightful. Besides the reference to blood, the writing is distant and functional, and doesn't convey any sort of mood. If I knew more of what Elizabeth is doing or what her mood is--anxious? Eager? Angry?--I might be more hooked. The reference to the net condensation didn't work for me. I thought it might be a typo or something since I couldn't make the two words make sense. Is this supposed to be a good event? Bad event? Maybe some foreshadowing would help.
posted
hiyas There was a good bit of camera shifting that was hard for me to keep straight what I should be looking for. just a thought but what if your tl-1 was not only the eyes for but maybe a tug for when the blimp was full? it might make a little more separation on your camera shifts. I had no problem getting the over all scene in mind that we were in a blimp doing something interesting but wouldn't have caught the cloud gathering till later. Is it better to withhold that info or perhaps say something like The cloud gathering ship..Tesla etc right up front? I would read more Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
ohh I take Combo dinner 3 I could picture it better...I could feel a bit more empathy for your MC because right away there is a conflict happening...Is she going to lose her baby? small typo near console...I would read more
[This message has been edited by honu (edited October 29, 2008).]
posted
I like it much better. It forms a connection between Elizabeth and the blimp, tells us the blimp is threatened, and so lets us see what's at stake right away.
One thing, though--you introduce three people, plus the blimp, which seems almost a person in itself, and the concept of the blimp's eyes. It was a bit much right off the bat.
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