The previous first 13 can be found here...
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum11/HTML/003222.html

quote:

---

Chuck Hogan thought he might melt. The beautiful young girl’s touch was electric and the feeling of her breath on his neck setting him on fire.

“Ruby,” he protested. “We can’t do this. Not right now.”
In the dim light from the ship’s console, her lips curled into a smile. She unsnapped another button on her blouse. “Sure we can. My dad is out cold in his bunk and no one else would come up here at this hour.”

“Come on, if Cap’ catches you up here with me he’ll drop whats left of me off at the next station --” An alarm sounded on the console.

PROXIMITY ALARM!

Chuck dumped Ruby into the adjacent seat and peered through the

---

I'm looking for thoughts on this as well as full readers. It should be done today.

Thanks!

The beautiful young girl’s touch was electric and the feeling of her warm breath on his neck set him on fire.
“Ruby,” he protested. “We can’t do this.”
In the dim light from the ship’s console, her lips curled into a smile as she unsnapped another button on her blouse. “Sure we can. My dad is out cold in his bunk and no one else would come up here at this hour.”

“Come on, if Cap’ catches you up here with me, he’ll drop whats left of me off at the next station --” He jumped back as an alarm screamed out from the console.

PROXIMITY ALARM!

? Mark

Not that a recommendation of how you would rewrite isn't valuable but I think most people are going to be interested in WHY you would rewrite it.

Thanks again for the reply.

quote:

---

I think most people are going to be interested in WHY you would rewrite it.

---

Also, KD can you change the title of this thread to...

Sci-Fi, The Infected, About 4100 Words

Thanks!

I would be happy to read your work and get back to you. It sounds a interesting, I don't know if there is a great "Hook" but sometimes the best parts are after 13 lines.