posted
Eddy bent down to inspect the frog more closely. He stood as if on an invisible platform fixed several centimeters below the surface of the flat, greasy pond, the water appearing to cut off his semi-translucent legs at a point just above the ankles. It was the kind of thing that had impressed him when he had been newly Cleared, but the novelty had long since worn off, and these days he barely noticed it. The frog, however, was something new. He had seen one in the CityShip zoo once, long ago, Before, but never out here in the city. He wondered if it was the same frog. There couldn't be all that many on the ship, and he imagined the zoo had been wrecked like everything else. Well it would be, wouldn't it? The Fulls wrecked everything they could get their hands on, and you could eat animals. Posts: 29 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
oks I had no problem seeing a boy looking at a frog...the second sentence threw me into confusion...I couldn't picture what you meant....I did pick up a Full and a Clear group of peoples as perhaps a contrast? I have the sense the Mileau is aboard a gen ship... rather than a ftl ship as society seems to be breaking down ...what would paint a clearer picture of sentence 2?
Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
LOL - That second sentence has been through more versions....
Are any of these better?
(1) Eddy bent down to inspect the frog more closely. The water cut his legs off a couple of centimeters above his ankles, but he couldn't feel it, and anyway, that novelty had long since worn off. The frog, however....
(1) Eddy bent down to inspect the frog more closely. He seemed to be standing several centimeters below the surface of the meter-deep water, but that novelty had long since worn off, and these days he barely noticed it. The frog, however....
(2) Eddy bent down to inspect the frog more closely. The water came to just above his ankles, even though the pool extended far deeper. He stood as if on an invisible plane several centimeters below the surface of the water, which remained placid despite his movements. It was as if he was not really there, a shade, a dream. The effect had once astonished him, everything about being Clear had, but the novelty had long since worn off and these days he barely noticed it. The frog, however....
posted
This made me say: Eh? What's going on, and not in the good way. A bit more clarity would help me. The POV for this "seems" to shift around. The second sentance made me think someone was looking at him and describing it. The third sentance is clearly Eddy's POV.
My take:
quote: Eddy bent down to inspect the frog more closely. so I'm thinking Eddy is 5-8 years old. It's not a bad first line, but it's not really something that's going to drag me into the story either. He stood as if on an invisible platform fixed several centimeters below the surface of the flat, greasy pond, the water appearing to cut off his semi-translucent legs at a point just above the ankles. WHO is the POV for this? If it's Eddy, he knows what he's standing on. I'm also having a hard time visualizing a "greasy" pond and "semi-translucent legs."
It What is "It?" the frog, his ankles, which was the last noun, the semi-translucent legs was the kind of thing that had impressed him when he had been newly Cleared What? It's important because "Cleared" is capitalized but you don't give me any hints to wrap my hands around. Is it a title, position, certification that he's plauge free? What? Also, now I'm thinking he's probably much older (20s) than the 5-8 I though, which confuses me , but the novelty had long since worn off, and these days he barely noticed it If he barely notices it and this is his POV, why is HE telling us about it? If it's not his POV and someone else is noticing the standing in the water, then that person probably doesn't know Eddy's thoughts.
The frog, however, was something new. This was the hook for me. Something common to me that's new to him
He had seen one in the CityShip zoo once, long ago, Before, is the capital "B" a typo? If not, again some hint of before what would be nice. Also, how old is this being??? Now I'm thinking in the hundreds but never out here in the city. CITY??? We're in a pond. If the pond is in a city, I probably should know this before now
He wondered if it was the same frog. The POV seems Omni here. If it was a long, long time ago, would a frog still be alive? This "thought" seemed forced and unnatural. Also, the frog was on some CityShip, and now it's on some planet. It seems highly improbable that it's the same frog.
There couldn't be all that many on the ship but we aren't on a ship. Are we??? Where are we? I'm confused , and he imagined imagined??? the zoo had been wrecked like everything else. HU?? Well it would be, wouldn't it? again this seems forced. He's interested in the frog but he's going on a journey down memory lane? Don't try to force the information on me.
The Fulls Oh, goodness another proper noun with no context to help me wrecked this is too close to the other "wrecked" try a different word everything they could get their hands on, and you could eat animals Well, then the Fulls didn't wreck everything. They ate somethings .
There are too many new terms and concepts packed into these 13 lines for me, at least, to follow:
1:the invisible platform 2: semi-translucent legs 3: Cleared 4: CityShip 5: Before 6: the city - which appears to be different than the CityShip 7: the ship - which appears to be different than the CityShip 8: Fulls
It's not the longest list of new terms I've made giving feedback, but more than one or two undefined terms in the first 13 makes the story, IMHO, hard to read.
If you slow down and paint me a clearer picture of the moment, the other information will dribble out more naturally.
For the second sentance, show Eddy moving toward the frog. Show the water rippling against/through his ankles. Let me know if he's a hologram, which I'm beginning to suspect, or there in person. If he's a hologram, show me his interfacing with the display to bring him in closer. DON'T have him musing about something he considers commonplace. When you do that, you are in danger of the dreaded "info dump."
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 31, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 31, 2008).]
Eddy bent down to inspect the frog more closely, twitching only slightly as it hopped off its lily pad and through most of his head. The terror of immateriality that had so gripped him when he had been newly Cleared had long since dissolved into novelty, and even the novelty was fading. These days Eddy was no more apt to notice a frog hopping through his head than that he stood several centimeters below the surface of the scum-flecked pond, his feet at least a meter off the bottom, the ripples passing through him as if he were simply not there. The frog, however, was something new. Eddy had seen one in the CityShip zoo once, but never out here in the city. He wondered if it was the same frog. There couldn't be all that many on the ship and he imagined the zoo had been wrecked like
[This message has been edited by ereitman (edited November 02, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 03, 2008).]
posted
Ok this last 13 works much better for understanding what you were saying...I wouldn't have known he was a holographic projection from the originals...now there's a hook for me cause I would want to know more about why he is .... Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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