posted
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness seemed less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis. He had even lost his fear of heights. The terrorized amazement he'd first felt, upon seeing the monstrous shadow of his reptilian form gliding over trees and fields, had faded. He came to ignore the white dots of sheep and brown specks of cattle that would stampede when he flew too low. None of these things seemed strange anymore--not even his human cargo.
He could sense no movement from the victim clutched in his talons--his captive had ceased her struggling. She had fainted from terror, he knew. Only Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this beast from Hell, could evoke such terror.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 29, 2008).]
I actually liked the writing here. Just a couple of points:
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness seemed less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis This makes it sound like he had beating wings before his metamorphosis, which he might well have done though this isn't made clear in the rest of the 13.
The terrorized amazement Coud just be me, but this doesn't work for me. I don't associate amazement with terror.
She had fainted from terror, he knew. Only Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this beast from Hell, could evoke such terror. She has fainted from terror, but only Horribin can evoke such terror...so obviously Horribin must have made her faint, but then he must have been terrorizing her while she was in the claws?
Like I say, I thought the writing was fine and I'd probably give this another page or two to see where it was going.
posted
Hey Monstewer Thanks for the kind words. I see your point about the beating wings -- it maybe unclear to some. He didn't have wings before the metamorphosis, so I should re-think it. Ditto with the terror evoked by Horribin. I meant that just the knowledge that she was being taken to him was more terrorizing than the abduction by the dragon. I believe 'terrorized amazement' is often used in literature but maybe it doesn't work here. Not sure about that one, anyone else have any thoughts on that? Thanks again. If you want to see more or the entire piece let me know.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
I am not getting "terrorized amazement" either, it would be hard to be that afraid and amazed at the same time, (not impossible) but when combined with a discussion about himself I would see terror and revulsion more than amazement especially if he actually doesn't like what he has become. Interestingly enough I think saying "terror and amazement" makes more sense because then they are two separate emotions instead of the same one.
Hope that makes some sense!
Otherwise I think it says a lot for just 13 lines.
quote:The sound of his wings beating through the darkness seemed less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis.
It seems "Seemed" should be replaced with "became" to convey the idea you are trying to establish
quote:She had fainted from terror, he knew. Only Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this beast from Hell, could evoke such terror.
This line didn't feel right to me. It seems a little forced, a little "as you know" and a tad awkward.
For some reason my thoughts were" Hellish beast"
It seems to me that she could faint from dragon fear and to me, the cause and effect didn't match up for me.
I would slow this a bit and concentrate on simpifying this ito one idea. Establishing who the woman is and her condition is the first objective. I think the rest can come later.
Otherwise this was a pretty solid lead-in. I would give it a chance it it were polished up a bit.
posted
Thanks Bent Tree, Tngcas and monstewer. It seems like a consensus. I'm puting version 2 on. How's this?
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness became less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis. He had even lost his fear of heights. The horror he'd first felt, upon seeing the monstrous shadow of his reptilian form gliding over trees and fields, had faded. He came to ignore the white dots of sheep and brown specks of cattle that would stampede when he flew too low. None of these things seemed strange anymore--not even his human cargo.
He could sense no movement from the victim clutched in his talons--his captive had ceased her struggling. She had fainted from terror, he knew. He pondered whether her terror sprung more from knowing the architect of her abduction, Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this hellish beast.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 01, 2008).]
posted
Having read both versions, I think your opening might work better if you concentrate on the dragon's feelings about the sorcerer, rarher than the victims.
Keep a reference to a victim in his claws, but then put a line in that lets us know how the dragon feels about taking the victim to his master.
I personally am more interested in the dragon, rather than the victim at this point. Could just be me though..
posted
Hey Apprentice Thanks for the review. I talk about the dragon in the next paragraphs but I will definitely give your suggestion some thought. Take care Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
He pondered whether her terror sprung more from knowing the architect of her abduction, Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this hellish beast.
When I see the use of the word "whether" in a sentence, I tend to look for the "or" to follow. For example: "I didn't know whether to go or not." When I read the above sentence, I kept waiting for the "or" that never came. Maybe this is just me, but that's the way I read it.
I do like your second version better than the first. The first version seemed like you were trying to jam way too much into your sentences. The second version was much smoother and read with less bumps.
posted
Hi Crystal Thanks Bent Tree The 'whether' thing has me thinking now. Maybe I should change that. I don't think I need an ' or', it's implied. But if more readers get distracted by that ... I got some thinkin to do.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness became less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis. He had even lost his fear of heights. OK so farThe horror he'd first felt, upon seeing the monstrous shadow of his reptilian form gliding over trees and fields, had faded. He came to ignore the white dots of sheep and brown specks of cattle that would stampede when he flew too low.Wouldn't seeing Dragon food make him hungry? Or at least interested? None of these things seemed strange anymore--not even his human cargo.
He could sense no movement from the victim clutched in his talons--his captive had ceased her struggling. She had fainted from terror, he knew.How does he know this? Is he a mind reader? If he has been flying with her for so long she could just be exhausted and sleeping He pondered whether her terror sprung more from knowing the architect of her abduction, Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this hellish beast.OR?? Whether her terror sprung from knowing the architect or ?????
The green forest ended abruptly and the trees beneath him became twisted and leafless, their branches like the arms of the tortured reaching for a saviour. Interesting visual If the MC is so horrified by what Horribin did to him, why is the MC helping him? This might be explained later, just a question that came to me while I read. Whew, glad to be out of bold typing. I am intrigued, I would read on to see where this is going.
[This message has been edited by jayazman (edited December 01, 2008).]
posted
Thanks Jay I think 'or' is implied, but I might change it at some point. I get into the dragon and his reasons for serving Horribin in the next paragraphs. If you want I can give you the rest ... it's 3500 words. Thanks again. Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2008
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