posted
This one has a draft now at 4,500 words. I wrote it awhile ago and let it sit. Did a read through and quick edit today. I am looking for readers if anyone has some extra time. Thanks!
Final 1st thirteen
Mel Norman squinted at the bathroom mirror and a stranger stared back.
Mel spun around reflexively to find the intruder, but found himself alone. In the mirror was a short, stout, dark-haired and completely unfamiliar reflection mimicking his every move.
Mel felt a slow boil begin in the pit of his stomach.
"Honey!" he drew the word out and terminated it with a shrill whine.
The man in the mirror was sweating by the time his wife poked her head into the bathroom.
"Must you? At this hour? What?" she said.
Mel was irritated by her tone, and her inattention. He spread his hands and gestured, like a game show hostess, at his face
Original version
Mel Norman shuffled over the cold bathroom tile and hesitated a moment before flipping on the light. Mornings were painful, always, but that day he felt like his skull was stuffed with cotton. He squeezed his eyes tighter as the bulbs hummed to blinding life. He sighed heavily, knowing how dramatic it sounded, and forced his eyes open. He looked in the mirror and blinked slowly at the man staring back. It wasn't him. He kept staring, locked in a groggy mental paralysis as his brain tried to reconcile what it was seeing; dream or hallucination. Dizziness and vertigo set in then; panic beginning a slow boil in the pit of his stomach. "Honey!" he drew the word out, terminating it with a shrill whine.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited December 02, 2008).]
posted
It's alittle too reminiscent of the "waking up" story intro trope for my taste.
I'm assuming you are going to give us an explanation almost immediately of what he sees that causes him to react this way - you can hold off on the surprise for only so long without really coming across as manipulating your readership. The real hook is what HAS happened to him, not us waiting to find out what's happened.
posted
I tend to agree. I'm not so drawn in by his reaction. I really just want to know what he saw. I get that it's something terrible and dramatic. But lots of fictional characters have woken up to something strange in the mirror, so I want to know what this is before I invest a lot of time reading.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Wow, I totally blew it with this opening. I thought I was explaining what he saw; with this line : "It wasn't him"
I was trying to say that he saw a man in the mirror who wasn't him, an unfamiliar man. It gets much clearer in a sentence or two, but the fact that you both read that and thought there was something monstrous in the mirror, tells me that I blew it. Any suggestions?
posted
I agree that you’re withholding information by not explaining *how* it isn’t him. Something that is *not* Mel Norman could be a million things and that is effectively withholding information. It’s not being precise with your writing and I think that this is what is causing the reaction.
I’d suggest showing us straight away how he’s a different person (does it look like him, but there’s something subtly off or is it a completely different man?). Does he study the mirror image for a second not sure why it feels wrong or is an instantaneous shock?
Maybe you could get away with some vagueness for while if you have a really good reason for it, but it’s a considered risk.
A minor point is that I think that for a lot of the second paragraph, you could probably stick with the bodily descriptions (him blinking, the churn in his gut) and let the reader infer what he’s feeling, rather than out-and-out stating it. You could probably a lot with a little here.
It takes a little bit of time for anything to actually happen here as you’ve spent a bit of time getting to the point of looking in the mirror. Is it that important that he’s not a morning person? The point of looking into the mirror is the hook, so I think you could almost start with that after you name him.
posted
Right. Is he just a different man or a different creature entirely (a la Metamorphosis). Maybe a quick description of what he sees:
The face that stared back was not him. His jaw dropped--so did the image's. But last time he checked his hair was brown, not blond, and his eyes blue, not the steely grey that stared back at him.
posted
You guys are right on, as usual. That's why I come here.
Revised 1st thirteen:
Mel Norman looked in his bathroom mirror and a stranger stared back. Reflexively, Mel spun around to find the intruder, but he was alone. He turned back towards the mirror in time to see a small dark man mimicking his every move. Dizziness and vertigo set in then; panic beginning a slow boil in the pit of his stomach. "Honey!" he drew the word out, terminating it with a shrill whine. The man in the mirror was sweating by the time his wife poked her head into the bathroom. "Must you? At this hour? What?" she said. Mel was irritated by her tone, and her inattention. He spread his hands and gestured, like a game show hostess, at his face
Any improvement? I guess its not that shocking to not recognize yourself, but I'm trying to convey that he sees someone who doesn't look a thing like Mel is used to seeing.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 28, 2008).]
posted
I actually liked the original. Although, I do understand the others' objections that you were "withholding information." You had said that he saw a "man" and that "It wasn't him." I understood this, but I don't think that it stood out. You could possibly include the first line of the original, suggesting that it was a day like any other, and then get to him seeing himself in the mirror (it doesn't look like you are going to address why every morning was painful for him - so leave that out). Without the first line of the original, I lost my reference point of when this is happening. I also liked the original line "locked in a groggy mental paralysis." I do like the second version, but it is feeling more slapstick, and I miss some of the wording from the first.
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posted
I would prefer a merge between your original and revised opening, plus more description of the difference between Mel's previous and current reflections. For some reason, I envisioned a shadow when I read "a small dark man". The new reflection is important enough to elaborate on, don't you think?
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posted
I think it's definitely worth finishing. I also agree that some version of the two openings is best, if only to add a little more of the nice description in the first version. The second version IS an improvement, and I was interested enough to read on.
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posted
Anybody remember this one? I actually finished a draft of it, and it took a really weird turn, so reader beware. It's about 4,500 words. Anybody want to read it?
Posts: 323 | Registered: Feb 2008
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