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Author Topic: The Hat-Fantasy-2,200 words
Merlion-Emrys
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I'm working on a story loosely inspired by a coworker of mine and the hat she wears. I personally believe it to be enchanted in a manner that makes people want to buy ham sandwhiches from her.

Anyway...thoughts on the first lines are good, offers to read when complete even better.


Deleela had just put on her rainbow-colored knit hat—a gift from her late grandmother—and was about to go outside and begin calling out the days menu when a man walked through the door of her inn.
He was tall, and neither young nor old. He leaned heavily on a staff of dark wood and wore a heavy, travel-stained blue cloak and a wide-brimmed hat that obscured much of his face. He lifted his left hand to the brim of the hat, and Deleela started inside. The hand was more like a claw.
“Good morning, sir, are you well today?”
“Well enough, but tired. May I come and rest by your fire? I’ve traveled all night.”


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Kitti
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I'm interested in the hat, but I don't know if that's partly because you set it up in your intro blurb. Certainly the idea of a rainbow-colored hat is a bit jarring against what seems like a medievalish fantasy world, so it draws attention to itself in the story as well.

There's a lot of description in this first 13 (a sin I'm always guilty of, too!) and I'm wondering how much of it is necessary. Can she really see that he's neither young nor old (given the way he's all covered up)? Is it important that he's got the staff, that he's tall, that her grandmother was the one who gave her the hat, etc. etc.?

Hmm, and now that I'm looking at it again, would she ask how he is, or would she ask him what he'd like to eat? If she's about to go out and start heckling the passers-by with her menu? (I have this irreverent image of her shouting out "get your breakfast burritos here" at these people trying to get around her go to work).

At any rate, I'm definitely curious. I'd keep reading.


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honu
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hiyas....I like this first of all...now...I wouldn't have focused on the hat without the blurb...except to have a quick thought of gay people and village people maybe (but that's my own concept that gets triggered when I hear rainbow anything) I would have to say...there wouldn't have been a hook for me here in the classical sense, but stories that start in inns (taverns) hook me anyway....I can't remember which fantasy site posted their almost auto rejection of taverns starts as too cliche for them...but it's out there....meanwhile the writing is good enough to pull me in others can do the nit side....nice read I would read when finished
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Brant Danay
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Deleela had just put on her rainbow-colored knit hat—a gift from her late grandmother—and was about to go outside and begin calling out the days menu when a man walked through the door of her inn.

I like the name Deleela.

Days needs an apostrophe-i.e. the day's menu

I have to say the hand like a claw was the big hook for me, and the mysterious nature of the visitor a close second. I also noticed that both characters are wearing hats-a connection, perhaps?

This one looks pretty smooth so far. Keep up the good work.

Honu, with all due respect, I don't think it's necessary to make certain comments like the one in your first line. It's just not appropriate. I'm not trying to start a flare or an argument or anything, it just made me uncomfortable, uncomfortable enough that I felt like I needed to mention it.

Best regards to all,

Brant


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Merlion-Emrys
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Its ok Brant. I'm gay, and it didn't bother me :-) I understand what he means...I actually have rather mixed feelings about the fact that now the rainbow is pretty well strongly associated with the "gay movement" in peoples minds...

I wasnt even thinkingabout that when I wrote it tho


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Merlion-Emrys
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All righty, it's done. Can I get Unfinished replaced with 2,200 words please?
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