posted
Just looking for comments on the hook for this one :] - - -
The roar of rolling drums filled the air as a pair of spotlights, bright patches of circling color against the darkness, converged upon the center of the Grand Ring and the short robust man who stood there. Flourishing his top hat, he bellowed magnificently.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are thrilled to present to you the climax of this evening's performance."
The enormous tent fell silent, as the audience waited anxiously. The only sound was that of the rain, drumming out its own continuous beat on the canvas high above their heads. Suddenly, there was a flash of orange smoke which grew, spilling out over the ring . Somehow the ringmaster made himself heard
posted
Even though I haven't yet met a character, I would read on, but I would expect this soon. Usually I want it in the intro.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
You've got the beginnings of a great idea, but I think you could tighten your first 13 by removing some of the adjectives and giving us a bit more of the sounds, sights, and smells of your bigtop. Also, if the tent falls silent, it goes without saying the audience is waiting.
Is there anything that sets THIS bigtop apart from any other? Your title is Dragon's Tongue? Is there an unusual scent present? Can you maybe cast it from a specific watcher's POV to get more connection and reaction? Most ringmasters are flamboyant and masters at selling their "product". What is unusual about him? Is he nervous about whether or not his main event is going to cooperate? If it is a dragon, maybe that's a question?
Okay, I'm asking all these questions because I'm obviously intriqued by the hook, and want to know more, so yes, it is hooky!
posted
I feel your on the right track. I don't mind that the introduction isn't character focused. It seems your focus is creating ambience. I am going to second Carol's comment about sounds, smells, etc. If ambience is your goal embrace all the senses.
On a minor note, the first sentence is poetic but in a way that could hurt the intro. The alliteration of "roar of rolling" followed by the rhym of "filled the air as a pair" was a bit distracting and also made the first sentence feel longwinded.
I would certainly keep reading, just because the final act of the circus is supposed to be the best, so I am curious just to see what it is. Though I would be more enticed to keep reading if this circus made a more unique impression from the get go.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
