The problem I have is that this is written from an adults POV, the first line is adult, yet it is about a child. If you'd started with:"When I was a child, my mother..."
That would explain the adult perception of the child's POV, this way doesn't.
Harried chaos? A little redundant--I know the meanings are different, but most people have been to an airport, the sense of annoyance is implicit, especially if there is an accompaning sense of chaos.
>...frustrated by the smooth surface with no handle for me to open. I slapped the glass with my small hand.
Your use of 'frustrated' is telling. Why not just show us him trying to open it--finding no handle, and then slapping the glass. Bingo, you have shown his frustration--rather than told us he was frustrated.
>It commanded me to “Stop! Go away! No orange juice for you!”
I think this is redundant. If you remove it I fully understand the situation still. By taking it out it allows you to write somethng that isn't redundant and adds to the opening, strengthening the hook.
Would I read on? No. The first line is lost to me by the time I have reached the bottom of the intro. It is set up like a teaser, but it smacks of withholding.
“If you ever get lost, find a woman with children,” my mother had told me. Ironically, this proved to be bad advice when that woman was Sarah Andrews.
It was Sarah Andrews--and her five children--who rescued me from certain death that day at the airport...blah, blah.
Then you have not only introduced Sarah Andrews, you are using her immediately. You can still go on with you orange juice story, but you have linked the two bits and attached a hook (certain death--my hook!)--but also why was it bad advice? She saved you (in my little version), didn't she? So that becomes a hook because not only is that question unasked in the prose, it is also unanswered. Obviously I doubt that would work in whatever story you have got planned, but I am just trying to give you an idea of seeding a stronger hook.
Unfortunately your orange juice story isn't enough for me...it isn't quirky(interest) enough, nor are the stakes (conflict) high enough yet.
Also your prose is a little flat. You could bling it up a bit by choosing snappier verbs. e.g.
“If you ever get lost," my mother would nag me, "find a woman with children,” Ironically, this proved to be terrible advice when that woman was Sarah Andrews.
Amid the chaos near an airport security checkpoint, I spotted an orange juice box exactly like I had in my school lunches. I sprinted to the deli case and jammed my nose against the glass--there was no handle for me to open. I whacked the glass with my small hand...
You also have a few adverbs you should try and remove.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 08, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 08, 2009).]