quote:

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“If you ever get lost, find a woman with children,” my mother told me. This proved to be poor advice. In the harried chaos near an airport security checkpoint, I noticed an orange juice box just like I had in my sack lunches. I had to have it. I ran over to the deli case and pressed my nose against the glass, frustrated by the smooth surface with no handle for me to open. I slapped the glass with my chubby hand. The vendor turned on me with angry eyes and a sharp voice. I didn’t understand her words–probably a foreign language–but I knew that tone. It commanded me to “Stop! Go away! No orange juice for you!” I folded my arms and leaned into the glass with my forehead. I would not give up so easily.
At this moment, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked

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1. If you would read more
2. What works for you
3. What doesn't work for you (pulls you out of the story, clumsy, wordy, whatever).
   

The other was her words–probably a foreign language–but I knew that tone. I've not connected that I'm in a foreign country yet, and the 'probably' doesn't make it so, and the narrator must understand English because the mother's directive has been understood in the first sentence.

Finally, I felt my mother told me might benefit from a tense change with 'had' so that I'm not expected to think this is happening in the 'now' of the story. I got jarred out of it by the tense of the next sentence. However, I mention this last because I'm not really sure how important it is.

Sorry, I just realised I didn't answer your other questions.
1) I probably would read (a bit) more because I liked the question posed in the first couple of sentences, but due to the confusion above wasn't sure what to make of the rest of the opening.
2) The question raised by This proved to be poor advice

Revised:

quote:

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“If you ever get lost, find a woman with children,” my mother had told me. Ironically, this proved to be bad advice when that woman was Sarah Andrews.

In the harried chaos near an airport security checkpoint, I noticed an orange juice box just like I had in my school lunches. I ran over to the deli case and pressed my nose against the glass, frustrated by the smooth surface with no handle for me to open. I slapped the glass with my small hand. The vendor turned on me with angry eyes and a sharp voice. I didn’t understand her words, but I knew that tone. It commanded me to “Stop! Go away! No orange juice for you!” I folded my arms and leaned into the glass with my forehead. I would not give up so easily.

At this moment, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked

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"When I was a child, my mother..."

That would explain the adult perception of the child's POV, this way doesn't.

Harried chaos? A little redundant--I know the meanings are different, but most people have been to an airport, the sense of annoyance is implicit, especially if there is an accompaning sense of chaos.

>...frustrated by the smooth surface with no handle for me to open. I slapped the glass with my small hand.

Your use of 'frustrated' is telling. Why not just show us him trying to open it--finding no handle, and then slapping the glass. Bingo, you have shown his frustration--rather than told us he was frustrated.

>It commanded me to “Stop! Go away! No orange juice for you!”

I think this is redundant. If you remove it I fully understand the situation still. By taking it out it allows you to write somethng that isn't redundant and adds to the opening, strengthening the hook.

Would I read on? No. The first line is lost to me by the time I have reached the bottom of the intro. It is set up like a teaser, but it smacks of withholding.

“If you ever get lost, find a woman with children,” my mother had told me. Ironically, this proved to be bad advice when that woman was Sarah Andrews.
It was Sarah Andrews--and her five children--who rescued me from certain death that day at the airport...blah, blah.

Then you have not only introduced Sarah Andrews, you are using her immediately. You can still go on with you orange juice story, but you have linked the two bits and attached a hook (certain death--my hook!)--but also why was it bad advice? She saved you (in my little version), didn't she? So that becomes a hook because not only is that question unasked in the prose, it is also unanswered. Obviously I doubt that would work in whatever story you have got planned, but I am just trying to give you an idea of seeding a stronger hook.

Unfortunately your orange juice story isn't enough for me...it isn't quirky(interest) enough, nor are the stakes (conflict) high enough yet.

Also your prose is a little flat. You could bling it up a bit by choosing snappier verbs. e.g.

“If you ever get lost," my mother would nag me, "find a woman with children,” Ironically, this proved to be terrible advice when that woman was Sarah Andrews.

Amid the chaos near an airport security checkpoint, I spotted an orange juice box exactly like I had in my school lunches. I sprinted to the deli case and jammed my nose against the glass--there was no handle for me to open. I whacked the glass with my small hand...

You also have a few adverbs you should try and remove.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 08, 2009).]