But, that was nine years ago and I was no longer a girl. Now a woman grown, on the eve of my wedding to a man I knew only through rumor, I stood outside my father's bungalow with my

----------------------------------------------------

Hi, this is a story that came to me after reading an article about India. It's not complete yet, but I plan to have it finished in time for my local writer's group meeting next Saturday and to possibly submit it to a few short story markets.

I have thick skin, so I'm looking for honest critique -- nothing is too brutal.

Specifically: Is my grammar and punctuation ok? Do the first 13 lines hook you? There is no dialogue in these first two paragraphs, but it comes right after that last sentence. Is that too long to wait? Does the third sentence work, or do I need to somehow simplify it? Also, in the fourth sentence, would "bit back a scream" sound better than "swallowed my scream"?

Sorry if that's too many questions. I tend to overanalyze.

Thanks so much!

I was a girl of five, safely tucked away behind my Ammi's skirt, the first time I saw the Husband Eater. So startled was Ammi that the basket balanced atop her head wobbled, sending ripe pomegranates tumbling to the ground to spill their sticky, scarlet seeds at our feet nice imagery. In an instinctive gesture, Ammi's hand flew to my face as though to shield innocent eyes from something perverse. It was through a crack in her outstretched fingers that I swallowed my scream this struck me as a little odd. She's not swallowing her scream through the crack, though she can see through the crack and glimpsed what I perceived to be the most loathsome and feared creature in all of India.right now, this memory just floats in nether space. Clearly it's going to tie in to the story beyond. But you say nothing more of what happened in that event--you don't even tell us what it looked like. It feels contrived because you are withholding so much information and bringing up this memory without seeming rhyme or reason. In first person, IMO, there has to be a narrator's logic--that is, the first person is telling a story. Why are they recounting this memory? I would read on, but begrudgingly.

quote:

---

"Knew only through rumor" threw me off a little. Not much -- a little. I think I might want something else there.

---

Hi Troy, after re-reading the second paragraph, I realized I had overwritten this. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

quote:

---

I think it would be very cool if you gave maybe a two sentence description of what the husband-eater looked like. Not necessary, and I realize you might be doing a thing

---

You're right, I'm doing a "thing" -- whether or not I can pull it off remains to be seen.

quote:

---

The begining of the second paragraph hung me up a bit though. I read it twice cause' I thought I missed something.

---

Uh-oh, that's never good. I'll work on re-wording that second paragraph.

quote:

---

this struck me as a little odd. She's not swallowing her scream through the crack, though she can see through the crack

---

Yeah, I had wondered myself if that sentence sounded awkward. She's swallowing her scream behind her mother's hand but peering through the crack in her fingers. I'm not quite sure how to reword this. Hmm... I'll have to give it some thought.

quote:

---

It feels contrived because you are withholding so much information and bringing up this memory without seeming rhyme or reason. In first person, IMO, there has to be a narrator's logic--that is, the first person is telling a story. Why are they recounting this memory?

---

You raise a good point. It's the occasion (the eve of her wedding) that prompted the recounting of this particular memory. But, if the reader can't infer that, then, as a writer, I've failed in providing enough information for them to connect the dots.

quote:

---

this tense doesn't work here. "Was" indicates same time as "nine years ago." But any tense would be awkward

---

I kept wanting to write "But, that was nine years ago, and I am no longer a girl." But, AM would indicate a switch to first person, present tense, right?

I usually write in third person, past tense. This is my first attempt at first person, and it's been challenging. I'm learning as I go!

....In an instinctive gesture, Ammi's hand flew to my face as though to shield innocent eyes from something perverse. I bit back a scream and, through a crack in her outstretched fingers, glimpsed what I perceived to be the most loathsome and feared creature in all of India.

Nine years had since passed, but on the eve of my wedding to a man I barely knew, the memory lingered along with the oppressive afternoon heat. I spent my last idle hours outside my father's bungalow with my

I still name it. Everything in the first paragraph is the same, except the rewording of the last line. I just posted the revised parts, but I guess I should have posted everything. Sorry for the confusion. Here it is.

-----------------------------------------------

I was a girl of five, safely tucked away behind my Ammi's skirt, the first time I saw the Husband Eater. So startled was Ammi that the basket balanced atop her head wobbled, sending ripe pomegranates tumbling to the ground to spill their sticky, scarlet seeds at our feet. In an instinctive gesture, Ammi's hand flew to my face as though to shield innocent eyes from something perverse. I bit back a scream and, through a crack in her outstretched fingers, glimpsed what I perceived to be the most loathsome and feared creature in all of India.

When you talk about the Husband Eater only in vague terms that refer to its (her?) horribleness, I expect there to be a reveal, probably somewhere in the final third of the story (please don't let it be within the last two paragraphs), that the Husband Eater in fact looks just like a regular person, or a regular animal of some kind -- and only a particular few people (the narrator among them) are able to see her the horrible thing she really is.

^If that is the thing you're doing, be aware that it's already obvious. If you're doing something else, great! Because a lot of readers will be expecting ^, so whatever else happens has a chance to be a nice surprise.

I expect (or should I say hope for) the story to be equally about her impending wedding as it is about the flashback, and that the two tales will intertwine and that ultimately they will _both_ be about the Husband Eater, probably with the narrator's current situation (wedding) causing her to understand something that took place in the flashback that she didn't before.

The other possible path would be to give the wedding a few paragraphs at the beginning, lead into the flashback, which is the bulk of the story, and then give the wedding a few paragraphs at the end. Probably without the two stories intermingling much, except that her wedding reminds her of that time she saw the husband eater...

quote:

---

I expect (or should I say hope for) the story to be equally about her impending wedding as it is about the flashback, and that the two tales will intertwine and that ultimately they will _both_ be about the Husband Eater, probably with the narrator's current situation (wedding) causing her to understand something that took place in the flashback that she didn't before.

---

This story is very much dependent upon her wedding. The Husband Eater makes an appearance about six paragraphs down (not counting dialogue) from what you've already read. I do employ some of what you mention above, but...

quote:

---

If you're doing something other than the two options mentioned above, then you again have the possibility of being surprising

---

My hope is that the reader won't see the wild cards I have hidden up my sleeve.

Thanks for reading. I've had to put this story on hold for a bit in order to finish up other projects. But, I'll be sure to send it your way once it's complete.