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Another in the Sword of Spells series. 5,000 words. Like comments on the first 13 and looking for readers.
Sparks flew up from the small campfire, competing with the lightbugs flashing on and off as night fell in the northern reaches of the Fentian forest. Brull sat on a rock applying oil to his chain mail, whistling as he worked. Another two weeks and he would reach Velba where his king had sent him on a special bounty contract.
He stopped for a second then continued to rub the oil into the links with one hand as he reached down and removed the thong that held his sword in its scabbard. The panting he heard became louder. He kicked over the fire sending a flurry of sparks in the air. He rose from his seat on the rock with his sword in hand in one quick, fluid move and turned to face whatever horror appeared.
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I think you miss out on what could be your biggest hook here by not showing us what your MC knows. Showing us what he thinks could be lurking out there in the shadows could really pull us into the scene. At the moment it feels a little too distant to really interest me.
He stopped for a second then continued to rub the oil into the links with one hand as he reached down and removed the thong that held his sword in its scabbard. The panting he heard became louder. For me, these two sentences are the wrong way around. Why not show us he hears the panting and then show his reaction to it?
He kicked over the fire sending a flurry of sparks in the air. The repetition of "sparks" is probably too soon after the one in the opening sentence. Also, why does he kick the fire over? Does he know where this creature is? Is he kicking the fire in the direction of the creature? Probably not if he kicks the fire and then has to turn to face the creature...so I'm not really sure why he does this. I know if I were fighting some beast in a forest in the night, I'd want to see what I was doing. And can you kick a fire over from a sitting postition? He kicks the fire and then rises from the rock. This is another good place where you could get us more into the head of the MC to show us what is happening and why it is happening.
whatever horror appeared. He's in the forest. How is he so sure it isn't a wild boar or something? Maybe it is in the sound of the panting. Maybe he's in a world where only foul creatures roam the forests on a night. My point being that if you showed us some of this, then you would have an excellent hook.
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So this is just one overnight camp on Brull's way to Velba to retrieve something for bounty. I'm made to wonder what he is to do for the bounty and the anticipation of adventure is the nearest thing to a hook for me. We'll find out early in the story, won't we?
Are the "stopped for a second" and surreptitious release of his sword a reaction to the panting? Perhaps the panting should be mentioned first, then it could get louder as he prepared.
If kicking over the fire raised so many sparks, was it a smart thing to do?
I think the last sentence is well into his head in that he must be expecting a horror whether the panting is actually from a friendly puppy or something gruesome. That is identified in the next paragraph or two, isn't it.
The sword is plain, but there isn't much of the sorcery yet. Would that be needed to hook an editor? I'm not sure I'm hooked, but I'll read if you like.
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