posted
I am trying to rework an old story. How does this opening grab you?
quote:Today was supposed to be the day that Elizabeth Henderson made the world a better place. From the moment she stepped out her door at three thirty-five in the morning, the world greeted her with hostility. Because of all the death threats, a policeman was there to drive her to Edwards Air Force base. A dozen protestors were kept across the street. That didn’t stop them from throwing eggs at the cruiser as they left her driveway. She leaned forward from the backseat. “Sorry for that.” “Part of the job,” he replied dryly. She took note of the folded LA times on the passenger seat. Maiden Voyage of the Lead Balloon: Ten reasons why Henderson’s Tesla’s Legacy is doomed to fail.
version 2
quote:Today was supposed to be the day that Elizabeth Henderson made the world a better place. From the moment she stepped out her door at three thirty-five in the morning, the world greeted her with hostility. “Mother nature yes! Technology no!” Bright lights from the cameras of the ambushing news crews bathed her on her front step, blinding her from the protestors. “Would you like to comment on assertions that your cloud collector won’t work and may be harmful to the environment?” “What about the attempt for an injunction to stop your flight?” “Many in legislature are saying that the state shouldn’t be…” Elizabeth retreated into her home and slammed the door. She rested against head on the oak paneling and dialed her cell.
version 3
quote:Today was supposed to be the day that Elizabeth Henderson made the world a better place. From the moment she stepped out her door at three thirty-five, the world greeted her with hostility. Protestors heckled her when she pulled out of her driveway, threw eggs from overpasses as she headed up the Golden State freeway, and blocked the entrance to Edwards Air Force base. Her day was barely two hours old when she met Dave Hurley on the tarmac and already it felt ten years long. “Brought some reading material for you,” said the blimp pilot. He handed her the latest addition of the LA times. Tesla’s Legacy’s Maiden Voyage: Ten reasons why Henderson’s Lead Balloon is doomed to fail.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 23, 2009).]
posted
Everything is understandable except the last sentence required me, the reader, to really extend. I can't call it a hook exactly because it was a one-phrase infodump:
quote:Maiden Voyage of the Lead Balloon: Ten reasons why Henderson’s Tesla’s Legacy is doomed to fail.
We are not told it's her lead balloon. Her Tesla Legacy might not be the name of the lead balloon. There is not reason at this point that explains the eggs. We should have some inkling why the crowd is so hateful... an idea what the stakes have become for Henderson.
It would be better if the headline read something like: 200 die in ill-fated maiden launch: Henderson's Tesla Folly.
I was hung up a bit reading it fast the first time to see where the crowds were, Edwards Air Force Base or across her street. For some reason, I thought masses of demonstrators were more likely to congregate at the entrance to some base rather than to someone's actual house. I could very likely be very wrong about that.
I hope that helps you along. I do like the concept.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 22, 2009).]
posted
An excellent point, Owasm. I should change the article title to Tesla's Legacy's Maiden Voyage: Ten reason's why Henderson's lead balloon will fail Will that help? Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
It includes the kind of words that hook me -- words like 'air force base', 'tesla', 'balloon' and 'she' -- but I'm not hooked because I don't get what's going on; nor can I tell whether I will like Elizabeth or prefer to sympathize with the egg throwers.
I don't know what 'making the world a better place' means, nor whether she's President of the USA or a balloon pilot.
Egg throwing and death threats seem inconsistent: if what she's doing is so objectionable (and she's only trying to make the world a better place) surely protests would be more violent and a single policeman insufficient.
I guess the newspaper headline is intended to hook, but I don't get it. Is "lead balloon" a journalist's insulting sobriquet for a machine that will actually fly? Is she Jimmy Page's daughter? And "Henderson's Tesla's" (or even "Tesla's Legacy's") -- I can't get my head around two consecutive possessives.
posted
It does TS. However, its also does not help me to think of a suitable, yet one that hooks, opening. Editors want original ideas, I got one. I can't get this thing rolling however.
I should be following the advice of many 'how to' wtiters and forget about the opening for now and write it once the rest is completed, but I am a linear writer. If the opening ain't right then it will bug me until it is fixed. Going to try again. Please stand by.
posted
Version three is so much better... more vivid. Puts you right in the scene. Still the reason why they are so mad goes begging.
Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
Snapper, I think that version two is the stronger piece. If you go with that one you may consider making your chant more monosyllabic - "Earth, yes. ________, no!" - and let the reader know first that it is a chant (maybe repeat it or use capitals).
You may also consider using some visual imagery with the reporter's questions.
I ditched all three and started the story much later. I am satisfied with it enough that I am going to keep it. I appreciate everyones input. I need to get writing because the deadline for it is a week away. Yikes!
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