posted
I'm not sure about the hook here. I'd love to hear some thoughts.
NEW VERSION
quote:“She’s abnormal...troubled...” whispers.
Eleven year old Tatyana tried to tune out the hurtful words as she played with a plain little doll that she had found in the doctor’s waiting room. Her twin sister, Sofia, sat reading in the chair opposite.
“Talks to herself...disturbed...crazy?”
Tatyana hated the sympathetic smile Sofia offered as their mother’s voice peaked again, high enough for them to hear. The only thing wrong with her was that she wasn’t perfect little Sofia.
A shout from outside grabbed Tatyana’s attention and she turned to the entrance. Alexei, an annoying orphan who had begun hanging around the twins just a few months ago, stood just outside the door. He pointed to Tatyana and then
OLD VERSION
quote:“She’s abnormal...troubled...”
Eleven year old Tatyana tried to tune out the hurtful words as she played with a homely doll that she had found in the doctor’s waiting room. Her twin sister, Sofia, sat reading in the chair opposite.
“Talks to herself...disturbed...crazy?”
Tatyana hated the sympathetic smile Sofia offered as Mother’s voice peaked again, high enough for them to hear. The only thing wrong with her was that she wasn’t perfect little Sofia.
The twins snapped their heads around to the entrance when an obnoxious yell came from outside. Alexei, an annoying waif who had begun hanging around the twins just a few months ago, stood just outside the door. He pointed to Tatyana and then twirled a
Thanks!
~Anthony
[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited June 26, 2009).]
posted
I find myself wondering enough about her abnormality that I would read on.
My issue was the fact that this seems to be in an 11 yr old's POV and you are using words like homely, sympathetic, obnoxious, waif. It seems incongruous.
Maybe she's a super genius and that's whats abnormal, but to me the language felt too advanced for a child.
A5 had a great catch. I agree with her accessment. One problem that I see is you started with a tight POV then switched to a distant one in the last paragraph. I found it jarring.
posted
I really didn't have a problem with the vocabulary. It has been quite a few years since I was 11, but the only word that I believe would have been unfamiliar to me was the word "waif". I guess it's a good thing she's not a two year old.
I do agree with snapper regarding the last paragraph. It does feel like there is shift in perspective. You might just want to tighten it up, focusing more on Tatyana.
posted
I read the second version only and I'm hooked. I would read on.
One thing I could say is: add specifics to make it more vivid.
"Plain doll" is not very vivid, nor specific. "Dirty Cabbagepatch doll" is more specific. I'm not saying you should spend 7 words describing the doll - oh no. Just, see if you can change some words to more specific verbs or nouns. Don't add description, just pick specifics "things".
quote:Eleven year old Tatyana tried to tune out the hurtful words as she played with a plain little doll that she had found in the doctor’s waiting room. Her twin sister, Sofia, sat reading in the chair opposite.
I preferred the ‘homely’ to ‘plain’. I do agree that a more specific doll would be better, like ‘Raggedy Ann’
quote:Tatyana hated the sympathetic smile Sofia offered as their mother’s voice peaked again, high enough for them to hear. The only thing wrong with her was that she wasn’t perfect little Sofia.
This is good and sharpest part of your hook. Gives us a clear idea what the conflict is.
quote:A shout from outside grabbed Tatyana’s attention and she turned to the entrance. Alexei, an annoying orphan who had begun hanging around the twins just a few months ago, stood just outside the door. He pointed to Tatyana and then
Yes the POV is cleared up but I still do not like this. Who shouted? grabbed Tatyana’s attention is clunky. and she turned to the entrance sounds forced. Alexei, an annoying orphan who had begun hanging around the twins just a few months ago, stood just outside the door. awkward introduction, this could use some rearranging. just a few months is not a short time for small children. A few months makes for a long friendship in my book. The entire paragraph needs to be reworked. Here is my take…
quote:Tatyana flinched when a familiar voice shrieked at the entrance to the office. Alexei. Like a burr from a picker bush, the annoying orphan had attached himself to Tatyana and her sister months ago.
I have other issues with this now that I have read version number two. Who are these people saying these mean things within ear shot of Tatyana? The opening suggests it is her mother. It better not be the doctor she’s talking to. That would be highly unprofessional. I could see two workers in the office, a nurse and receptionist for example, or gossiping neighbors in the waiting room. That would work. If its mom then she has bigger issues than any little girl (I’ve known plenty of adults that would talk so openly about their own children however). The premise looks interesting but it still needs some polishing.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 26, 2009).]
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