Jiden watched, wistful, as the sleek, massive white shape swam through the air above the fields. A thrill went through him as fine white flakes fell from the creature’s broad tail and curved fins to sparkle into nothing just above the ground. The whale-god banked slowly as a jellyfish-island drifted into its path, pink-ribbon tentacles swaying and shivering in the currents.
He pulled his gaze away and quickly finished the row he was weeding. Bright sun and warm air surrounded him. Laying down his hoe he went and cooled himself at the lake, bathing his feet and gazing at the bright-winged shapes that flew through its unfathomed depths.
Slipping off shirt and sandals, Jiden slid into the

Also I got confused here: "bathing his feet and gazing at the bright-winged shapes that flew through its unfathomed depths." I thought these beings were above in the air, not under the water. If you mean refelections, you might work that word in. If there are more of them under water, make it clearer. Does he dare go swimming with them? I'm a little worried...

EDITED: Just read your intro about it. Air creatures under water? Then make it clear that they are birds in the lake.

I'm hooked. Its not too slow at all, and I trust you'll get further into Jiden later, if needed. This evocative, weird world is cool. In the MICE quotient, I'm prepared for a milieu story.

One small nit: The shift in Jiden's activity level seemed a bit extreme, from wistful gazing at the sky to quickly completing his job to dabbling toes in the water. The word "quickly" bothers me because I don't experience him rushing while he does the job; it doesn't ring true, juxtaposed with the relaxed mood that I felt/experienced.

my suggestion: make first sentence hook more. possibly: The sleek massive whale-god swam across the sky. This would establish right away that it is a whale swimming in the sky...then the rest of the flying description, which I think reads well. Give Jiden some more thoughts as he observes this...is this a normal sight for him, or bizarre?

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The whale-god banked slowly as a jellyfish-island drifted into its path, pink-ribbon tentacles swaying and shivering in the currents.

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then a more forceful reason for Jiden to turn his attention to the water would also be more compelling. maybe the bright winged shapes are calling in some strange bird song or something....

With a little more showing of Jiden's motivations, could be compelling enough for me to read on, makes me wonder what this story is going to be all about, other than just a description of fish in the air and birds in the water...

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EDITED: Just read your intro about it. Air creatures under water? Then make it clear that they are birds in the lake.

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Yeah this is kind of weird and confusing...what it is is, the sky of Jiden's home is the sea of another place and the lakes of his world are the skies of that place.

Of course now I come to find out theres a second axis to the world with a earthy type place and a fire sort of place as well with a similar interaction...I've kept the air/water relationship ambigious in the first part but thats a little harder with earth/fire. I'm basically just along for the rude now.

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I'm hooked. Its not too slow at all, and I trust you'll get further into Jiden later, if needed.

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See initially although the images have been in my mind a long time I was inspired to write this by reading stuff on Fantasy magazine and seeing how much of what they publish seems to lack any sort of typical story structure, clear plot resolution or anything like that. I intended to write this without worrying about any of that stuff and without trying to deal with character immersion or plot stuff and all but the story took itself off in a very different direction...well mostly. So we end up with a bit deeper character penetration level later on.

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One small nit: The shift in Jiden's activity level seemed a bit extreme, from wistful gazing at the sky to quickly completing his job to dabbling toes in the water. The word "quickly" bothers me because I don't experience him rushing while he does the job; it doesn't ring true, juxtaposed with the relaxed mood that I felt/experienced.

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Yeah your right it is a little funky. Thanks

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make first sentence hook more

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Ok, but for who? You? Me? One person's hook is another's bore, thats why I don't worry too much about it. Several people here were "hooked" by it, some not. Thats the way of things.

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I suggest saying currents of air, or air currents, to more firmly establish the difference between the air and the water.

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Its intentionally ambigious.

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With a little more showing of Jiden's motivations

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Subjectivity trouble again...as we've been discussing lately, "showing" is a tricky idea. You talked about giving him more thoughts, but chances are if i did that, many would label it "telling." Also this is much more a setting story than a character story, although I realize non character stories are unpopular here.

I also consider curiosity and exploration strong motivations, but I know many here disagree.

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The whale-god banked slowly as a jellyfish-island drifted into its path, pink-ribbon tentacles swaying and shivering in the currents.

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If the prose itself is interesting, like this is, I'm willing to read a little further to find the central conflict. You've painted charming images and set a surreal mood that draw me in.

Whenever it's finished, please feel free to send it on.

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He pulled (maybe this should read: Jiden) pulled his gaze away and quickly finished the row he was weeding.

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The word "quickly" bothers me because I don't experience him rushing while he does the job; it doesn't ring true, juxtaposed with the relaxed mood that I felt/experienced.

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Suggestions:

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A thrill went through him as fine white flakes fell from the creature’s broad tail and curved fins to sparkle into nothing just above the ground.

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...pink-ribbon tentacles swaying and shivering in the currents.

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And you're right, its a concept from hermeticism, though as I've encountered it having more to do with the interconnectedness of different levels of existence (mental, physical, spiritual etc) or with ideas of macrocosm and microcosm.