posted
Salkalyn, the Twenty-Second of the Manity, entered the system like a thief in the night; his carapace configured to a streamlined, bronze, cruciform and his senses fully extended--searching. He scanned for other Manity, but found none. It was as he expected; he was a hundred years early for his first Shoaling. As the primary arrival, he would have his pick of the ancient's knowledge. With a growing sense of triumph, Salkalyn swept past the ringed, gas-giant, Jeseferus, and plunged toward the inner system. His drive displaced swathes of sub-quantum matrix from ahead of his forward tip to his rear at a phenomenal rate, drawing him into the resultant reality vacuum. The fourth planet was coated with a fine layer of organics and
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 24, 2009).]
posted
I don't see any issues with the writing and, most importantly for me the content itself is VERY interesting. Giant living spaceship thingy, perhaps?
Send it to me if its finished and you want readers, I should be able to get it back within a few days to a week give or take.
posted
Thanks Merlion. Unfortunately I am only about 750 words into this; probably be finished in a week or so. I'll email to see if you still want it then, okay?
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posted
Nicely written. Interesting enough on the merits of what you seem to be creating, but so far as a first 13 goes, you have me only partially hooked by the melieu. I'm not sure I see any hint of coming conflict or difficulties to draw me in further. If something doesn't happen very soon (next 13?), I would stop reading.
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posted
Here I am (sigh) disagreeing. It's not clear for me.
Twenty-Second of the Manity - and - scanned for other Manity
This confused me. It’s a matter of how I’m reading the English here.
“of the Manity” seems to imply some sort of sole something or other (government, bloodline, religion, clan -- ???) while the following “for other Manity” seems to require there being other Manities (or however the plural is formed).
Did you mean of the X Manity?
So, you start off with me confused. And it gathers confusion because I did not realize his carapace was his spaceship. Then you threw in a “first Shoaling” without any indication what that might be.
Primary arrival I can grasp but then I run “into “the ancient’s (ancient being singular) knowledge” and I’m totally lost again.
I assume the ringed gas-giant is named Jeseferus and isn’t Jupiter.
The displaced “swathes” of “sub-quantum matrix” at a phenomenal rate…”drawing him into the resultant reality vacuum” – I’m sorry, but this is not evoking images for me.
The opening reads like a trimmed down info-dump to me. Although I am intrigued by the... whatever it is... entering a star system, the rushed information and unfamiliar terms robs the character of some crucial character. I don't know who this Salkayn is or why he (it) is there. So please give me an idea of who it is, why it is there, and what it all means to it. In short, it lacks depth.
posted
This is SO very funny to me, because all the stuff you guys don't like are the very things that attracted me and the things you say are missing are ones that (at least in the case of these lines) I don't care about at all.
He had me when he started talking about a cruciform carapace :-)
posted
That's why multiple opinions - and an understand of the critiquer's approaches - can be helpful.
For me, the world-building is a touch too showy, but there are enough ihnts of story that I would probably read on.
Cruciform is more commonly an adjective than a noun so the sentence structure there threw me off on first reading. You don't want any risk of confusion in your first sentence if you can avoid it so you may want to consider reworking that a little.
posted
I landed somewhere between the two povs in the comments so far. I was definitely confused by some of the concepts, but am willing to give you a page to start making them more understandable. The concept seems interesting (though I'm not a particularly big fan of exo-skello aliens, I've read a LOT of sci-fi with crab-like creatures and I'm just sort of tired of them.)
However, I like the idea of the creature being something that can live/pilot in space within its own body...that's an intriguing concept, which is why I'm willing to give it some time. But, for me, that amount of time is short - you've got about a page (250 words, give or take) to make me believe you can tell me this story with all these fantastical alien ideas and odd setting and strange characters without me getting too lost.
My suggestion - write it to the end, then go back through and see if you think the intro still does what you need it to in terms of introducing the alien elements. If so, then send it to people who expressed an interest in this type of story you're telling for their feedback and go on from there.
There are certain types of stories (and certain types of storytelling) that I'm just never going to get into. So long as it gets where you intend for it to be, and you can get some feedback on it, go for it.
One last thing - a previous poster said she assumed jeseferus is not jupiter. I would be annoyed if this turned out to be "aliens call this different names but it's our solar system" - it's just a cliche I encounter in sci fi often enough to find it annoying.
posted
Lol, my first thought was that it was Jupiter...
Anyway, I like the writing but it is alot of new information all at once. I think two things really tip the scales for me:
1. "his carapace configured to a streamlined, bronze, cruciform..." I think I found this confusing because I was expecting a shape to follow "streamlined", not a colour. I'm not great at grammar, but it seems like bronze is the thing that's streamline. And then we do get a shape but it's crucifrom, which I think means cross-shaped, which doesn't seem very streamlined... Maybe my whole problem is with the word "streamlined" because it makes me think of aerodynamics and sends me down another path. Could you replace it with the word smooth?
2. His reality-vacuum mode of travel. I like this idea, it's very cool, but I think it's introduced at the wrong place. You just started talking about the Shoaling and the knowledge of the ancients and it feels like this is what the story is about. Then we take a technical detour. If the space travel is crucial to your story maybe move it up a paragraph. If it's less important I would put it later when we are more grounded in the world. (or cut it entirely)
posted
skadder, there's a lot here for a newbie to take in. But, like others, I'm ready to find out about that ancient wisdom that lies just beyond the reality vacuum journey. Personally, I'm a bit scared of promising wisdom, ancient or otherwise, because delivering it requires that, well, I have some. Still, I'm on the hunt, so I'm happy to read more.
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