quote:Golad watched in awe as the sleek red ship maneuvered inside docking bay. “Ever see anything like it?” asked Derek. The gravity sled operator stopped to gaze at the new arrival. Golad shook his head. “No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. How does the pilot fly it?” “I wouldn’t know about that stuff,” said the grav operator. “I just never saw a ship that was red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust always bleach the colors away. How is this one red?” “Good question.” Golad crossed his arms waiting for the ship to land. He didn’t see any resting pods or indentations that would indicate landing
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I have to wonder if it'd be stronger were you to completely cut the first sentence. Reads fine though.
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I’m confused. We have Derek and then we have Golad. It is unclear if one of these is the gravity sled operator. Or if we have three people here. I assume otherwise the grav operator is Derek but not positive.
If Derek is the grav operator and not a pov I have to worry about –
The gravity sled operator stopped [what? Filling out paperwork?] to study the new ship maneuvering inside the docking bay. “Ever seen anything like that?” he asked Golad.
Golad shook his head. “No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. How does the pilot fly it?”
“Beats me. What’s more, it’s red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust bleach the colors away. How is this one red?”
“Good question.” Golad crossed his arms and watched the ship ease into a berth between two space cruisers. He didn’t see any resting pods or indentations that would indicate landing gear.
It’s a nice quiet opening. Thoughtful. I like it. There’s a mystery about this ship and the two guys watching are painted in slightly by what they say and how they phrase it.
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Golad watched in awe as the sleek red ship maneuvered inside docking bay. I'm with the others. This is unnecessary. “Ever see anything like it?” asked Derek. The gravity sled operator stopped to gaze at the new arrival. I did get that Derek was the operator. What I did not get was what the new arrival was. Is it the ship, or is it Golad? I'm also unsure what the gravity sled is doing, and my first read was that it was helping to maneuver the ship (though I doubt you intended it, that's just the action my brain latched on to) Golad shook his head. “No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. How does the pilot fly it?” “I wouldn’t know about that stuff,” said the grav operator. “I just never saw a ship that was red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust always bleach the colors away. How is this one red?” Why does Derek think this ship can enter hyperspace? Why does Golad? If what he says is true, wouldn't the first thing that comes to mind be that it was a space-age puddle jumper? “Good question.” Golad crossed his arms waiting for the ship to land. He didn’t see any resting pods or indentations that would indicate landing
I'm interested though. You've got me for another page or so.
[This message has been edited by JSchuler (edited January 15, 2010).]
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I'm afraid it just isn't interesting me. Although I can understand the concept of color wearing off of spacecraft, the facination Derek has with the ship being red does nothing for me. Basically, you're asking me to be interested because the ship still has paint (it could be new?) and doesn't have windows. Nothing is happening to interest me.
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posted
Good first try--needs some tidying up. I would suggest writing the whole thing and then going back to redo the begining. Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Seems I'm the only one here who thinks there's no need to cut the first sentence, if fact, were it cut, I'd be annoyed as a reader. It's a peeve of mine: characters talking about something that's never explained up front. I know I quickly learn that it's some kind of flying ship but I lose the info about it docking.
If you cut the first line then you're left with characters talking about "something" that's "somewhere". Feels a lot like withholding information.
My interest is piqued by the usual color of the ship and the voice. I'd read on. I'd drop it like a hot potato if the first like weren't there.
Maybe I'm just weird.
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited January 16, 2010).]
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As a comprimise, perhaps you can put some of the information into the initial dialog, so that it doesn't sound evasive. For example.
"That's some weird ship," said the gravity sled operator, sidling up next to Golan.
Also, if Derek isn't an important character, you won't need to name him. Additionally, you could put some of the explanation of Golad's intrigue as internalization. E.g.
Golad looked at the sleek design. No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. "How does the pilot fly it?”
This would enable you to prevent the other line that I didn't like-
quote:“I wouldn’t know about that stuff,” said the grav operator. “I just never saw a ship that was red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust always bleach the colors away. How is this one red?”
He's a gravity sled operator that knows about hyperspace rads and particle dust bleaching color, but is characterized with line like "I wouldn’t know about that stuff"? It's not so much that he shouldn't know what he does (he is some sort of expert), it's that it is an anti-curiosity type line, one used to suggest that there is a certain order of knowledge that wouldn't normally be entertained. So knowing the other interesting information, and being willing to share it with (likely) a stranger, goes against the character trait of someone that isn't readily curious.
Anyway, having two experts that find the craft interesting is certainly a hook. It doesn't matter that it could be a fresh coat of paint, because the experts say that it is unusual. Who knows, it could be a story about a new way of beating the FTL barrier, and that would interest a number of SF readers. Or even a new type of paint that mends itself, and the potential implications of that. So I would read on.
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