I haven't posted anything here since I have been so busy lately. I recently rewrote the beginning to We Do It For The Love. Tell me what your feelings are toward my 1st 13. Does it capture you? Does it make you feel? Is it a waste? I have the first section done now. I am sure there needs to be tweaking. I have started the story in a completely different place and with almost a completely different character. He is far from squeaky clean this time. Let me know what you think.
The woman at Caleb Belcachio’s feet was screaming, sending echoes through the alleyway. Clawing at his legs. Leaving muddy marks on his crisp purple uniform along with his boots. Her eyes were full of fear as she begged past quivering, spittle covered, lips for mercy.
Nothing the woman said registered as language to him. This woman was a fugitive. She never showed for her meeting with the Athletic Industries Department to begin mandatory training for the Intergalactic Games. Seeing her quiver in fear made him wonder for a brief second why the Supreme Chancellor would ever want her to represent Earth at such an important event.
“ Ms. Rivera you have been summoned by order of the Supreme Chancellor. Your life is no longer your own...
I vaguely remember the first version and this is a lot stronger, giving us the facts through action. I like it a lot more.
Regards,
Nick
A few suggested trims:
quote:The woman at Caleb Belcachio’s feet was screaming, sending echoes through the alleyway.
You could probably trim this by substituting “screamed” for “was screaming”. It seems to me that the screaming is not quite continuous if she’s also clawing at his legs and begging. If you’re using deep 3rd POV (which you seem to be), it might be an idea to simply call your protagonist “Caleb” as this is likely to be how he thinks of himself.
I’d agree with Utahute72’s trim on
quote: Leaving muddy marks on his crisp purple uniform along with his boots.
I half-agree about the language/begging issue. It’s usually pretty clear when someone is begging even if you don’t understand the language, but the way you’ve written this implies that Caleb does understand what she’s saying.
I’d keep it as simple as “He couldn’t understand the woman’s language” and then remove words such as “begged” and “mercy.” Just show her quivering and her clawing at his legs and we know what she’s doing.
posted
I thought this opening was pretty interesting. Nick already said what I was going to say, though, so this won't be as long a message as his was. Sorry.
I like the visual in the alleyway you're giving me. I'll be honest, and this was probably me being a poor reader, so feel free to ignore this, but when I first read it, I couldn't see Caleb anywhere. I saw him in complete darkness, and this woman at his feet. Then I read it a second time, trying to figure out, still, and I couldn't see him anywhere (then again, that's probably because I read it really fast both times). But the third time I read it, slowly, I spotted "alleyway". That was probably just me, though...I mean, alleyway is right there in front of my face. If Nick and Utahute72 didn't question it, then it's probably nothing to worry about.
posted
Here's my 2 cents (or maybe just 1 and 1/2) worth.
The sentence structuring is odd. In some places there are too many commas Her eyes were full of fear as she begged past quivering, spittle covered, lips for mercy. then in other places there are sentence fragments Clawing at his legs. The phrasing also put me off a bit, using the first example again, or maybe there is just too many words in the sentence, I'm not sure. I would lose the the first sentence in the second paragraph. I don't think it's necessary and it seems to contradict the end of the first paragraph. The idea is interesting, I think if you took out some of the words/sentences then you would have more material that you could get in the first 13 and would help move the story faster.
posted
On first reading I thought the feet were screaming. It made me pause. Feet don't scream, and if they do the correct grammar would be to say were, not was. But then I read it again and had an ah-ha moment.
I would suggest ditching Caleb's last name, maybe give his placement clearly first, like Caleb knelt down in a dirty alleyway (or something). The woman at his feet was screaming, sending echoes through...
The rest of it hooks. ~Sheena
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited May 28, 2010).]
posted
I remember the original posting, and this is definitely stronger, more interesting. Hooked; good opening.
You also seem to have shifted your protag from a recruit to a recruiter. I wonder if this will be for the entire story?
I agree with changing to "screamed", and dropping the surname. I would also cut "along with his boots" (do we care he's wearing them?) and "Her eyes were full of fear" (I can assume that without being told), and combine some sentences in the first paragraph:
quote:The woman at Caleb’s feet screamed, sending echoes through the alleyway. She clawed at his legs, leaving muddy marks on his crisp purple uniform as she begged past quivering, spittle-covered lips for mercy.
posted
This situation is interesting. Some of the background gets in the way of me identifying with a character though. Agree that "screamed" is stronger than "was screaming". Agree that the "along with his boots" line is clunky. "full of fear" is a squishy image. Maybe her eyes pleading as her lips move would be sharper. That sentence works too hard right now (especially when we learn he doesn't understand her in the next sentence - convey that lack of understanding immediately if you can). I'd like a sense of Caleb's emotional state as well, especially if he is to become a protagonist. He's detached from the scene for the most part. It makes sense that he's cold and relatively emotionless, but he ought to feel something here, even if it's mild disgust.
Definitely get rid of the "brief second". If you mean a second, say a second, if you mean something else, say something else. Whenever I read "brief second" I start wondering what a long second feels like. Sometimes that can be productive use of my reader neurons. Usually not.
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