posted
This is a very long story, 14,500 words. Wrote it for BT's contest sometime ago. I would like to send it out but would like to know if this opening is at all intriguing. Thanks in advance for any comments.
quote:The Boston Times, editorial page July 24th, 2009. …a disputed will, an incompetent cryonics lab; not what baseball’s greatest hitter deserved. The only good thing to this sorry affair is ‘The Kid’ will never know what happened to him after his death. I can’t imagine what old Ted would have thought of his head, frozen and in a vat, suffering such abuses. If, by chance, he is ever revived by a future generation, may they show him the respect that his body (and head) didn’t receive.
Ted Williams opened his eyes and saw spots. He was lying on his back and at complete loss of where he was and how he got there. Was I just beaned? He didn’t recall taking a baseball to the head. He blinked a few times. Through the spots, a bright light shown from above with two silhouetted figures staring down
1. Is it a baseball story? It may limit its appeal--and saleability. Personally I would avoid stories about sports I know nothing about--mostly due to not understanding the terminology--both official and slang. It becomes hard work to read and continually guess..
That said, it's written and I'm not your demographic, so I'll shut up.
2. I think you can drop line two in the second paragraph. When someone wakes up I pretty much assume they are lying on their backs, especially as he thinks he was hit (beaned?) by a ball and two people peer down at him.
It's the waking cliche (despite the editorial bit)....but you knew that.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 13, 2010).]
posted
Hmmm...I think the editorial is a bit gimmicky, but I see how it sets up tension. Ted, I'm assuming, is waking up from his cryogenic sleep and I do wonder what that would be like, so I'd want to see where you take this.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I like that you let us in on what Ted is regaining consciousness from. I would have been annoyed waiting to find out along with Ted, and it would have felt more cliche. I also feel that you've introduced tension in the reader, watching Ted as he's about to discover how bad things really are...
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
The opening works for me. I have to agree that the newspaper snippet feels a bit gimicky but I think the reader needs that information. I would read on just to figure out what happened to his head.
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XD3V0NX
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posted
Hmmm. I like paragraph two, for the most part (I won't address what skadder already said) and I half like paragraph one. I like what you said about "The Kid" wouldn't remember anything after his death, but I couldn't exactly follow "a disputed will" It looks to me like you just cut that sentence off or something. I don't know really, but it just appears kind of strange to me....
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited May 13, 2010).]
posted
Interesting premise Snapper. The lead-in seems like the type of outside the normal formatting that appear in a lot of the WOTF stories.
The news article takes a bit of the story away from the first 13 so I am left with less than I would have liked on the Ted Williams awakening scene but it was enough to hook me. Though I have to admit it immediately makes me think of Futurama and the episodes with Ted Williams talking head in a jar.
quote:Was I just beaned? He didn’t recall taking a baseball to the head. He blinked a few times. Through the spots, a bright light shown from above with two silhouetted figures staring down
My only issue is the thought Was I just beaned? Ted Williams was an old man when he died years removed from baseball. If he was revived would that really be his first thought? Not, where is my wife or something non-baseball related?
Just so you know...Ted Williams family really sent his body to a to be preserved and his head was removed in a cyronic lab (they made a mistake). The stories of what happened to him after he died is so odd that if I tried to write it, you would all claim that it was too outrageous (google Ted Williams frozen head). Once I read that, I had to write a story about it.
One other note, one of Ted's nicknames was 'The Kid'.
posted
I like it, but then I'm old enough to have seen him play. I got the context and liked the opening. Would love to see where you go from here.
Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I have this written in chapter form. If anyone is interested, I could send you the first chapter (about 3500 words). That would be enough for me to know if this idea has legs or not.
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posted
For me, the awakening from Ted's point of view feels awkward. I would be more interested in seeing it from the point of view of those who went through the trouble of awakening Ted
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posted
Thanks. I sent it to all that were interested. I really, really appreciated. Oh, and to warn you. It does have a PG-13 flavor. A bit racy.
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posted
You may have significant trouble selling this if it deals with a real person whose relatives etc. are still alive. By all means take ideas from real life, but make enough changes to avoid any legal issues that might arise down the road...
It's a good way to handle the "waking up" opening, I think, and establishes that in this instance, the waking moment really IS the "moment of change" that initiates events.
quote:You may have significant trouble selling this if it deals with a real person whose relatives etc. are still alive.
Why? Mr Williams was a public figure, and he is dead. I have read plenty of fictional works with public figures, alive and dead. Anything written during the present I have taken from public record. As far as what happens to him in the future? Well, it is a matter of my perseption but I believe I have done a fair job on how old Ted would react with the obstacles I had him face.
posted
You might think that. Others, editors included, might choose to take a different view.
I didn't say "don't write it", I was just offering up an intended-to-be-helpful warning that some editors may choose to pass up on a story that involves someone who died recently.
posted
I'm intrigued. The editorial is written in a breezy fashion that conveys information without feeling info-dumpy and the opening line takes me right THERE, where you want me to be as a reader, inside Ted Williams, looking out.
I agree that the next sentence should be dropped.
He was lying on his back and at complete loss of where he was and how he got there.
I don't care (yet) if he's on his back - we find that out shortly anyway, and it's obvious that he's at a loss by the way he reacts. You don't need to also tell us, when you've done a nice job of showing.
The "beaned" line is perfect. Non-baseball enthusiasts might not get it, but we're inside Ted here; HE would think of it this way. If you get resistance, this line could be coupled with a flash memory of a time when he was hit by a pitch, but that was months ago. Wasn't it? That would give additional context (but also added words).
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