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The Deadly Flirt (first 13 lines)

I think I may have actually been falling for this gorgeous girl. She has long golden blond hair, beautiful ocean eyes, and a smile that was brighter than the sun. She has a marvelous figure, too, and every time I was around her, the world seemed to be spinning around me.

There’s only one problem, though: she’s engaged. That’s right, you heard me correctly, she’s engaged. She’s been dating this guy for a couple months now and already he asked her to marry him. Unfortunately, I was a bit too late. If I got to her only a week earlier, then maybe, just maybe I’d have been able to get with her.

I just wish she wasn’t such a tease; she would continuously flirt with me and I’d allow it. Like right now, for instance.

For me, this opening 13 needs to be a lot tighter and I'm not seeing the hook at the moment (mind you, I'm pretty fussy when I'm reading on Hatrack, much more so than in real life). Perhaps it's an artifact of the 1st 13 being cut, but I'm not intrigued by the opening. My thoughts below; apologies for the formatting, I'm working from dodgy computers.

Regards,

Nick

quote:

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I think (filtering words, we're in first person so we're getting the protag's thoughts directly) I may have actually been falling (this is a very indirect speech...how about something like "I may be falling...") for this gorgeous (a bit non-specific as a description...in the following sentence you try and show us how she's gorgeous) girl. She has long golden blond hair, beautiful ocean eyes, and a smile that was brighter than the sun (for me, this description gives me no idea what she actually looks like and it is a little banal). She has a marvelous figure, too, and every time I was around her, the world seemed to be (how about being more direct?, i.e. "every time I was around her, the world spun around me") spinning around me.

There’s only one problem, though: she’s engaged. That’s right, you heard me correctly, she’s engaged (I think it would be more effective if you just said she's engaged once; it's not so amazing we have to hear it twice). She’s been dating this guy for a couple months now and already (already is redundant in the context of other information...we know it's sudden if they've been dating for a couple of months) he asked her to marry him. Unfortunately, I was a bit too late. If I got to her only a week earlier, then maybe, just maybe I’d have been able to get with her.

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quote:

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I think I may have actually been falling <PAST> for this gorgeous girl. She has <PRESENT> long golden blond hair, beautiful ocean eyes, and a smile that was <PAST> brighter than the sun. She has <PRESENT> a marvelous figure, too, and every time I was <PAST> around her, the world seemed <PAST> to be spinning around me.

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Rather than using a narrative style, you might try the introduction as a conservation between two guys. Or, between another guy and his girlfriend. Girlfriends are good, they bring the femine side to the conservation, and since they have no investment in the romantic side of the hero, they are free to say what they think.

Because, as it sits, it comes across as a person that hasn't been on a real date before. The overrated male ego, which is a turn-off. So, invite the reader to view both sides of the issue while you explain the apparent paradox, the evil flirtation.

I could be wrong, since I'm only seeing a brief introduction. But that's the way it comes across to me.

Good luck, Bob.