posted
After writing several openings, I have one that I think works. (The story is aimed at an anthology of Western horror in which the editor mentioned he might like some steampunk thrown in.) Horror element to come later.
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He called himself the Rattlesnake King, proclaimed in tall, red letters on the dirigible he set down on Main Street between the saloon and Pickett’s Feed-and-Farm store.
Steam hissed from the airship’s underside. Horses reared at their hitching posts, and the folks of Severance abandoned the relative cool of stores and overhangs, and hurried into the dust cloud kicked up by the landing.
Ben Pickett was filling flour sacks in his father’s store when old Buddy set back on his haunches and growled. He patted the dog’s head. “What’s wrong, boy?”
“Is something going on?” Father asked from the back.
“I’ll go check.” Ben untied his apron and ran out.
The street had become impassible with gawkers, and Ben was
posted
I haven't read much steam punk, but this seems well written. The biggest pause I had was when the dirigible landed on the street. Dirigibles are huge and I'm not sure I buy one landing on the street. A dirigible would not be able to land on most streets now-a-days and modern streets are wider than what passed as streets back in the day. This might be a normal thing in the world of steam punk and I'm just not familiar with the genre to understand, and that's fine, it just made me stop and think. Over all, I found it well written and interesting, I would continue reading.
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posted
I like the opening; throwing dirigible in the first line definitely puts me in the right place. My only concern was a technical one - the possibly Hollywood theatrics of steam hissing from the underside. Might not steam be piped upwards and hiss out of the top? Steam hissing out of the underside would condense on the airship skin and result in additional weight.
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quote:Steam hissed from the airship’s underside. Horses reared at their hitching posts, and the folks of Severance abandoned the relative cool of stores and overhangs, and hurried into the dust cloud kicked up by the landing.
I would probably take out the extra 'and.' in this line. I think it would still work the same.
**Steam hissed from the airship’s underside. Horses reared at their hitching posts. The folks of Severance abandoned the relative cool of stores and overhangs, and hurried into the dust cloud kicked up by the landing.
You might also need to change 'dust cloud', remember steam is water vapor, and as it come in contact with loose dirt tends to combine to make mud. You could ether have them rushing into the water vapor from the steam which remember would be hot but cools as it dissipates, or just have regular jets of compressed air blown against the ground and used to help break its decent for a soft landing. So it would descended, then burst to break, then then slight rise and then settle softly down. The burst of air would cause the dust to fly. Remember if you already have pistons, it's not a leap to compressed air. Your steam could be used to push pistons that force a large volume air through pipes decreasing in diameter of size till when escaping shall have multiplied there force. This also if movable or placed appropriately and by opening and closing valves can provide a seemingly invisible method of turning. Your character may have rigged that the hot steam could be added to compressed air to deter enemies seeking to get close or board the dirigible, or obscure his whereabouts within the craft if shots are fired at it as it takes off. The jets of air could also be used for fast ascension in a get away.
Also Western towns often had wide streets so livestock could be moved through it's center without wrecking everything, so depending upon the size of the craft which you don't make mention of, and probably should, it might have room to land.
These are just a few thoughts, remember I'm an artist. Visualizing crazy things is a work hazard for me on a daily basis.
Your story has an anime feel with the opening. It's interesting. Feel free to laugh at my suggestions.
posted
I really liked the voice and characterization - I'd definitely keep reading. Excellent opening.
Technically, a derigible is a lighter than air vehicle, such as a balloon or zeppelin. However, I seem to remember the term being used in Aliens as a ship to ground transport. I like the word - not sure how picky others would be.
quote:Steam hissed from the airship’s underside. Horses reared at their hitching posts, and the folks of Severance abandoned the relative cool of stores and overhangs, and hurried into the dust cloud kicked up by the landing.
I agree with walexander about the second paragraph. I believe it is more of an ordinal problem. I realize the dust cloud comes from the landing. It seems that the steam release should come last in this sentence, but I'm not sure how that would affect the flow into the next paragraph - it might be better, giving the dog a more immediate reason to growl.
Correction: I originally stated that your last sentence was passive. It was tricky, because you used a substitute for "be" in "become". After looking at it further, I do not believe it is passive, because there is no other verb, only an adjective. Sorry for the confusion.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited July 26, 2010).]
posted
Nice feel at the start, & setting established very quickly. FWIW, I never felt like you were squeezing the derigible into too tight a space. After the first paragraph, it felt like the story decided to take a break so you could introduce Ben. Consider having him immediately join the gawkers (with apron on & Buddy alongside), and establish his personality in the middle of what's happening. You might even want to have him to already be in the street, see the derigible land, and have the openinng paragraph told through Ben's eyes.
If you're looking for readers I'm game.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited July 28, 2010).]
posted
Thank you the input, everyone! Sounds like I need to do some research on the specifics of certain types of airships before I go much farther with this.
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