Looking for readers if anyone's interested:

Little things that made me pause, instead of flow right through.

'Curse', I take is an actual curse? Not a 'burden.' When I first read this line made me wonder if you had used the wrong word. What does the 'curse' actual do? Weigh him forward? Move his feet? Both?

It is the 'effect' of the curse that has put him in his predicament and you might want to note that to make it clearer.

'Drunk' Even if 'Drunk' is the right tense(Which I don't know) it sounds awkward in the sentence and breaks the flow,(At least to me.) you might want to rephrase.

quote:

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Tiny rocks cascaded around him from the high cliffs above.

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This sentence makes it sound like the rocks are falling like rain-- Continuously, but you have the MC look up as if it just barely happened.

I enjoy that your overall structure makes it easy to comprehend a different time and space, which is not something easy to convey.

This last comment, is more of a personal perspective about his name. The one thing I enjoyed about Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings'
Was names, there were no Mordik Ironfist and Adreia Smitanhammer which of course brings you right into the world of RPG, which obviously Warhammer is, but does it make a good story? Mordik Ironfist vs. Durin, Son of Dwalyn.

The only reason I point this out is Grey Gobligrook sounds RPGish and immediately made me feel like I wasn't in for a good story but a roleplayer fan-fic of his own RPG character.
This is a complete side thought: Grey ap Grook (or 'Apgrook'), meaning: Grey, Son of Grook, something like this might pull the reader in a little deeper since it ties to how actual pre-medieval names use to work in many cultures, and the subconscious is a funny thing.

Overall a good story in the making. I'd be willing to read the whole story, I would only comment on flow and overall story quality, since I am still in a novice stage with grammar and punctuation and there are pro's here for that, but if you feel like it, send it to me, and I'll give you my 2cents for what there worth.

W.

quote:

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Downtrodden though he was, Gray Gobligrook [Sounds a little like "gobbledigook", which means "nonsense"] continued relentlessly [unneeded adverb] plodding his way toward Orgrimmar [tough name for a first sentence] on the same well[-]worn path he had hundreds of times before. [suggesting an average day] The ornate treasure chest strapped to his back weighed him down and strained his muscles, but the curse kept him lumbering forward. [I'm guessing this is the hook] The smells wafting to his nostrils as he laboriously passed [get rid of adverb and find a better verb] through each small fort and village only served to torture him further, for it had been an age [ages] since he’d eaten or drunk anything. Why must each town have an innkeeper selling drinks and a butcher cooking delightful meats? [use italics to represent thoughts]
Tiny rocks cascaded around him from the high cliffs above. His feet continued one in front of the other as he looked up and saw a young troll with a pick slung over his shoulder.

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It all sounds very "downtrodden" - the mood is very gloomy. I'm also having a hard time figuring out if Gray is a human or some other fantasy creature. I suspect he may be an ogre, but I'm not sure. If I later discovered he was something other than what I suspected, I would probably get knocked out of the story. All in all, I'm not hooked. I think this could hook me, but it would probably take a rewrite and a different mood.

Curse: Yes, actual curse. I'll see if I can clarify the curse in the first 13, but it's very clear later on. (at least, I think so.)

Drunk is the wrong word. I fixed it at home, forgot to upload my changes here to work, used the old word. It now reads: "It had been ages since he'd had anything to eat or drink."

I changed cascaded to sprinkled. Still a rain reference, but I'm trying to make it a small amount that gets his attention while focusing on his feet moving forward. Nothing stops his progression.

Regarding his name: It's Gray Gobligrook because he's a goblin. I'm going for the G alliteration and "Gobli..." But I'm not married to it. I can investigate another name.

I'd be happy to send it over when I'm finished editing. This will be tomorrow AM.

@Babooher:
I will send to you too. I'm not sure what you meant by "not the best feel for fiction."

@Philo
The name was meant to sound silly. He's a goblin. (and goblin's are innately funny) However, since it was brought up by 50% of the folks who replied I will have to reconsider.

Orgrimmar is a city in Warcraft. They'll expect this type of reference.

It is indeed an average day for him.

Laboriously passed - I couldn't find one word can do what I want here, but I did remove laboriously.

Age / Ages - I agree. Age is so Tolkein.

Re: Italics. I had a "he thought" at the end of that, but it felt clunky. This is his only inner thought in the whole story. It felt weird underlining it, especially right up front. I may just reword.

The mood was meant to be gloomy, but I may have gone overboard. The next few pages are light but having set this up I'm hoping to contrast others happiness at his presence vs. his own hatred of his curse which brings him to them. Not sure if it works or not.

I just checked the story - it's not clear he's a goblin for a while. I may change "his feet..." to "The goblin's feet..."

The mood I can't really change. I'm hoping to stay on the path of downtrodden without crossing over to depressing.

Thanks all for your thoughts!