posted
Night Side Speculative Fiction (Sci-Fi) Looking for critique on first 13 since that's all I have at the moment. Wrote this just so the idea for the story wouldn't disappear from my sieve of a brain. Liked the result, thought I'd share it with you all. Enjoy
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You had to be careful once you crossed the sun line. Jett adjusted his goggles one last time before depressing the pad that opened up the iris. The temperature readings on his HUD jumped up into the yellow, nothing too serious yet, but then he was still more or less inside the protected confines of his rover.
“Ten minutes until overheating,” sounded the computerized voice from the earpiece tucked into the cowl of his suit.
Ten minutes, that was plenty of time for what he wanted to do. Resisting the urge to adjust his goggles again, he stepped out into the light.
No one alive knew what happened to the Earth to lock it in this eternal day and night. Whatever it was, it happened long ago.
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited May 06, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 06, 2010).]
posted
I like it. Nicely done for the most part. The last line could, I think, be strengthened some. I don't think you need both the second and third sentences, one or the other can probably go, or all of it be more smoothly combined.
posted
The first line didn't feel like a real "first line" to me. It threw me off a little. Then I read the second line and that's where my interest jumped. I started thinking you could put the first line after the second or third. The first thirteen on a whole are really good.
There was only one thing I think you missed when you proofed this:
"but then he was still more or less still inside the protected confines of his rover."
You used the word "still" twice. I do this all the time: I type and read faster than is good for me when I go over my own work. lol
Good luck with the story, it sounds very interesting!
posted
"still" fixed. Took me a few reads of the sentence in question to see what you were talking about. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2008
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Good start, it’s perfectly clear what’s happening. The situation is sufficiently interesting to wait for the inciting incident. Minor trims suggested below:
quote: You had to be careful once you crossed the sun line.
As much as I like to slip into the 2nd person, it’s obviously the author’s voice, not the character’s voice and I don't think it fits so early in the story. I’d cut completely, the situation is clear from what follows.
quote: The temperature readings on his HUD jumped up into the yellow, nothing too serious yet, but then he was still more or less inside the protected confines of his rover.
“More or less” isn’t very precise and I think the meaning is preserved if you cut it.
quote: Jett adjusted his goggles one last time before depressing the pad that opened up the iris.
Not really a trim, but a flag…will it be clear to all potential readers that the “iris” is a door, not an actual iris? I’m leaning towards the fact it’s okay, especially since the iris door line is famous (was it Bradbury who wrote that?)
quote: “Ten minutes until overheating,” sounded the computerized voice from the earpiece tucked into the cowl of his suit.
I think “said” works just as well as “sounded” if you’re clear it’s a computerized voice. Is it necessary to give the extra detail about the earpiece being tucked into the cowl of his suit?
posted
My biggest irk is the last line. It is a gargantuan tell that is as sharp as a newborn's butt and as smooth as a one-legged man's moonwalk. I'm not one for explaining much of anything, but even acknowledging that some readers need the info dump, I think the info should be handled more deftly.
I think the rest was pretty good. I liked everything up to the last line, and I'd read more. I would just wish you had handled the info dump better.
posted
I don't like the last line either, it was written essentially just to get me up to the 13 lines for this. When I do actually get to this story it will probably go bye-bye.
Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Here's take 2 at this short story. It is done at just under 1900 words. Accepting all takers for offers to read in entirety.
The mantra “get in get out, get in get out,” played through Jett’s mind as he guided his walker across the sun-scorched plains. Five years running recon in the Day and still that first lesson was the one he thought of the most. He gazed out the bulbous view-port surveying the landscape moving past in time with the walker’s halting gait. It was hard to believe that this had all been habitable land centuries ago. The only sign that life once dwelt here being the spindly corpses of long dead trees reaching towards the murdering sun. An urgent beeping from one of the holographic displays ringing the view-port notified Jett that he was approaching the target for this mission. Looking for it now, he could see the dark shape through the haze. It was still a few miles away.
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I am planning on sending this story in for consideration soon, and would really appreciate some other people looking at it before I do.
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited October 30, 2010).]
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