posted
I have temporarily shelved my epistolary story (I'm already depressed enough), and I have opted to start a new story instead. It is a little info-dumpy, but I'm hoping it works. I'd like to get general feedback and, more specifically, to know if the info-dump is more acceptable with this type of story. Thanks.
Nobody knows why them things didn’t die off like they had everywhere else. The rest were bones, except here in the new world. It sure had made colonization a bit tricky. Taming the West was even more of a feat. But we did it, we did it all, with a little help from the Indians...and of course, Wild Bill.
Somebody had named ‘em “di-no-saurs”, and they were everywhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line and west of the Mississippi River. Horses were useless. Every time we’d tie one to a post, some big chicken-lookin’ thing would come stormin’ outta the woods and gobble it up. Fortunately, they didn’t have much of a taste for people. However, it was Wild Bill who turned the tides on ‘em. He showed us how to ride them raptors and herd sauropods. It was the beginning of the western expansion.
<SECOND VERSION> (Not many changes):
Nobody knows why them things didn’t die off like they had everywhere else. The rest were bones, except here in the new world. It sure had made colonization a bit tricky. Tamin’ the West was even more of a feat. But we did it, we did it all, with a little help from the Indians...and of course, Wild Bill.
Somebody had named ‘em “di-no-saurs”, and they were everywhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line and west of the Mississippi River. Horses were useless. Every time we’d tie one to a post, some big chicken-lookin’ thing would come stormin’ outta the woods and gobble it up. Thank God they never had much of a taste for people. It was Wild Bill who turned the tides on ‘em. He showed us how to ride them raptors and herd sauropods. It was the beginnin’ of the western expansion.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 21, 2010).]
posted
I would definitely read on. I laughed out loud at "some big chicken-lookin thing". Great voice. No nits for me. I'd like to read it.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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I think you get away with the info-dumping here because of the voice and humor, so it works for 13 lines for me. If the whole story were like this, you'd probably lose me, but if you kept the voice and went into a more standard story, I'd read on.
Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jul 2010
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Amusing. I liked it. Couldn't help but think of the narrator of the animation-within-the-film in Jurassic Park (welcome/intro for park guests), with his goofy pronunciation, something like di-na-sars.
The following isn't a comment about the dreaded 'ly words. It has more to do with the voice. Consider something iike:
<Fortunately, >[Thank Gawd] they didn’t have much of a taste for people. <However, it>[It] was Wild Bill who turned the tides on ‘em.
The last sentence seems tacked on and a little out-of-voice. It's hard to say, without seeing what comes after. As another commenter suggested, it's a delicate matter to keep that voice without wearing out the reader. The opening is good; perhaps a gradual shift to a slightly lighter hand would work.
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