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Here's the first thirteen of a work in progress. I spent the last couple of months without Directv, watching a lot of adaptations of Dickens and Austen on DVD. This is the result.(Obviously I'm no Dickens or Austen!)Just wanted to get y'all's take on it.
This is the story of a dream. A dream of horrors, of mirrors, of candle-flames shuddering on window-sills. Of murder - yes, blood will be spilled on these pages, and, ultimately, the dream will end. It is for you, reader, to make of it something worthwhile, for this, my last work, stands or falls on what you bring into it. The dream first came to Athelney Whitaker when he was but thirteen. It came again when he was nearing the maw of eighty. It first came to Sally Merriman in her bloom, then a second time not long after she left the little pub in Dorset. It came to Marcus Percuspis at the tender age of nine, and not again until the night he returned to his room and washed innocent blood from his hands. And what was the dream? This is the dream:
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I like this. You do a great job of introducing the characters and hooking me into wanting to know what happened to Sally after the pub, what happened to Marcus that he killed someone, how the relatively tame (in comparison) Athelney fits in with them....and what this dream is.
I don't like the last line of the first paragraph - it puts too much weight on me as the reader, and browsing in a bookstore, I'd be likely to think "too heavy, too much work" and move on. It also makes me think that the ending will let me down...because the story stands or falls on what *I* make of it, not what the author made of it.
The voice is great. Have you written in this style before? It may be hard to maintain for a whole novel if it's not already habit. So maybe sign up for the Dickens and Austen Channel to keep you in the mood while you're writing. ;-)
A couple of minor niggles: candle flames (no hyphen); windowsills.
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Thanks Grayson! That line you didn't like may get tossed out. It was supposed to foreshadow the ending, but since I haven't completely worked out the ending... Anyway, I think I can keep the style going - hopefully. If you would like to read a little more let me know. Thanks!
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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Anderson, I'm actually a big fan of Dickens (and Poe). Style-wise, this reads more like Poe. Both tended to use long, complex, and very detailed sentences (As did Austen). Poe used a little more difficult vocabulary then the other two. However, it is your address to the reader and your poetic approach that are more indicative of Poe. I actually like this type of writing, but it doesn't have much of a fan-base nowadays.
Regardless of that, let me make two comments: - I agree with Grayson about the last sentence of the first paragraph - I think it puts an unnecessary burden on the reader. - It feels like you have made the "dream" the main character of your story. Obviously the dream is essential to this story, but by naming all of your main characters up front, they now feel secondary to the dream. In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, you should stick with just one main character at first (possibly alluding to others to come) and then transition to the other characters as the story progresses. You might even want to use the names as subheadings. Anyway, that is my take - hope it helps.
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Bravo, I enjoyed this very much actually. I love the voice, and the first two lines hooked me like a gaffed marlin. You deftly inserted another hook when Marcus washes innocent blood from his hands.
Here are my nits/comments:
quote:Of murder - yes, blood will be spilled on these pages, and, ultimately, the dream will end.
When I read this the first time, I thought it meant blood would be spilled in the story, but not literally on the pages themselves. The second time, I took it literally. For me, if it is literal, it makes more sense. If it is figuratively, then I'd reword the sentence.
quote:It is for you, reader, to make of it something worthwhile, for this, my last work, stands or falls on what you bring into it.
I don't like it when a narrator addresses the reader as 'reader.' It seems unnecessary and jarring for me. Its sort of like a swift kick out of the immersion into the story created by the hook. It just serves to remind me that I am reading a story on a computer screen, or holding a book in my hand. I'd just strike it out completely. The fact that the narrator says 'you' and we aren't in dialog is enough to indicate that I am the one being addressed.
quote:And what was the dream? This is the dream:
I'd strike "This is the dream." I don't think you need it.
If you take Philo's advice on introducing only one character, I'd make it Marcus Percuspis, because you have that hook in their about the innocent blood. I'm inclined to agree with him, introducing too many characters at once increases the chances we will confuse them.
Other than that, I liked it very much, and would be happy to read and crit the rest if you like.
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Thanks philocenimas and Osiris. I didn't mean to imply that I was imitating Dickens or Austen, merely that I was inspired to write this after watching all those adaptations. I sat down to write and this is what came out, nothing pre-planned. Then ideas began to take shape. Probably does sound more like Poe. This is a first draft and I'll be making changes later. I'll send out what I have Osiris. Hope you like what I've done so far. Thanks guys.
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Like some others, here, I (the reader) personally don't like being addressed by the author, though it may be appropriate for the genre, especially if it is your intent to openly mimic the style of another author. It's not a 'mistake', like a POV shift, but is similarly distracting.
I didn't care for the last two-sentence combo. Seems a little over the top. Perhaps a simpler 'And here is the dream,' or some such.
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You deftly inserted another hook when Marcus washes innocent blood from his hands.
