I thought this was pretty cool and an effective hook. How can soap-making save a man's life? I hope it is something interesting but fear it will turn out to be just boring magic soap.
"The magister was dying on our table" this by itself is surprisingly compelling, i think due to the word "our". it would be worse with "the table"
ok, his voice is both dry as parch. and like a knife wrapped in silk. delete one of these. the knife one is better. parch. is cliche
whore...pleasure. this worked for me.
honestly, i admit i am ignorant, i don;t know what a quirt is. coming so soon after the whore, i don;t what to tell you what i thought master h. was swinging at the girl, and i was alarmed that it made a dry hiss.
"There was a dry hiss and the smacking sound of leather against skin. Blood trickled down my face." this is effective because she doesn;t scream out in pain, she is tough. but i fear it is too indirect. it took me a while to figure out what was going on.
prediction. next line is as follows. "Well, Lye. If you don't pick up the pace we are going to need a new magister. You will forever be known as let-em-die-lye. So get going."
is lye really the best name for a soap maker? unless in this world all soap makers have names such as lye, amonia, turpentine, etc.
lastly, i agree that magister vs master is too much to take in at first. can we use another word instead of magister such as "the official."
[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited October 02, 2011).]