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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Not just another daily commute

   
Author Topic: Not just another daily commute
Scout
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I happily pulled out of my driveway in my new Dodge Wrath. I had waited a long time for this day. I was no longer going to be a road wimp. Driving to work was going to be fun now.
It only took me a few minutes to get to the expressway. I was looking for a rogue. I did not want just any idiot driver. Not that I would pass up a shot at anyone that dared to break a rule of the road near me. I would take whatever shot I could but there were legal limits about what I could fire depending on the severity of the offense.
There are a lot of people like me that just love to take a shot at an outlaw. We just wait for someone to take an illegal shot at another driver or break some major rule. As soon as this


Do you want to read more? The full story is less than 1000 words if someone wants to read it.

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rcmann
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Interesting. Similar to something that Foster did, but with a different twist to it.

Questions occur. Why is he authorized to shoot? Is he special, or can anyone do it? Are the targets allowed to shoot back, or does he have judge/jury/executioner authority? If he's just a vigilante, my sympathy is going to be with the "outlaw".

Is he a he, btw. Who si the protagonist? Adult or adolescent? Male or female? Human or dog?

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Crank
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I would probably enjoy this story during my commute home. [Big Grin]

The quote "I was no longer going to be a road wimp" tells me your MC has an abused-wanting-to-now-be-the-abuser-esque complex about him/her...in which case, I tend to agree with rcmann about where my sympathies lie...unless you can give us a compelling reason why we should side with your MC instead. That compelling reason might be later in your story, and you might have a good character development gameplan as to why. So be it. But, as your first 13 stands now, you've filled it up with talk of what your MC is going to do, but not much in the way of [/i]why[/i]...which took me away from the story moreso than not knowing whether to sympathize or cheer for your MC.

Hope that makes sense.

S!

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Scout
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Thank you for the comments. They have made me think deeper about a story that was thrown together rather quickly.

What Foster?

On authorization: More of that does come out through the story. I was trying to work that in so that I was not doing too much telling (as opposed to showing). I had considered a brief excerpt from the "law" before the story. This would allow me to stay more focused on the action, but might also take a good portion of my 13 lines. Other thoughts on this approach?

On the MC sex: again more of the character will come out in the story, but it actually never states male or female. My plan was to leave that open and let people fill it in with their own imagination. I know writers are often leaving out descriptions of characters for the same reason. But if this takes the read out of the story then I need to fix it.

More on the MC: I never really considered him/her a vigilante... just someone who wanted to be in on all the fun stuff. So on the one hand I was thinking that I should lighten the language a bit. On the other hand the final twist might be funnier if I portray him/her as a jerk and vigilante.

And I see that I still need to focus on more showing and less telling.

Thanks again.
Scout

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BoldWriter
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I got a bit of a Deathrace 2000 vibe, maybe mixed with some Judge Dredd. Intriguing, if not really my cup of tea.

As far as not labeling the sex of the MC, I don't think it's a great idea to keep it ambiguous, thought it seems a lot more possibe in a first-person POV.

The sex of a person often has a lot to do with thier motivations and thier world view, and I think not defining that aspect of your character could put you at a disadvantage when trying to envision the events of the story from thier perspective.

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Twiggy
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I'm wondering why he's not going to be a wimp. Is it something he's decided internally,or is it because of some change of position? I would like to know. I get the feeling that everyone of a certain age is allowed weapons to deal with road offenders.

I don't think you need the last two sentences. They are repeating things you've already said.
Also, it would be good to come up with different ways of saying 'shot' or it could get a bit repetitive.
It's not something that I would usually read, but I know people who would. Good luck with it.

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