Dear ….

I would like to introduce you to my first novel, Tam and I. It is currently complete at 76,000 words. It is a biography and focuses on the period from my seventh grade year to shortly after I got out of basic training.
While it is a biography about my life during that period the real subject is a girl I met during eighth grade. She would eventually become my best friend, later my girl friend and much later my wife. She was diagnosed with cancer during the summer between our eighth grade and freshmen year and it lead her to a fight for her life. I experienced everything she went through from the moment of her diagnosis all the way through her treatments. It is an often times overlooked element in stories about cancer patients. The actual treatments and the side effects that they cause create what can literally be considered a medically induced hell. Not only are the medications devastating to the body but the overall effect on the person’s life is also hard to take. Tammy was required to move away in order to be closer to the hospital and lost many of her friends in the process. Life is no longer something you simply live but instead becomes a fight for survival.
Her path was with her treatments and simply trying to stay alive while mine was making sure that her spirits always stayed up. I watched as most of her friends stopped talking to her and eventually abandoned her entirely. My only goal throughout it all was to simply make sure that she still had the will to fight. That will to live that is so easy to lose in the face of so much pain.
The story can easily be described as a love story but at the same time it is so much more. While I am only twenty one years old I have experienced everything from basic training, the life of a cancer patient, divorce, and even death. This gives the novel a universal appeal that everyone from future enlistees to cancer patients can learn from. It is not simply a book that any one single group can relate to. Instead it depicts elements from many different groups which give it a much broader audience.
This is my first attempt at publication but not my first attempt at writing. I have been writing since I was in sixth grade and have written several fictional stories throughout high school. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

And, as a final note about your last paragraph, you do not necessarily need to include the fact that you wrote stories since you were in sixth grade. If they were published in some way (magazine, journal, newspaper, etc.), then mention them. Otherwise whoever is reading this letter couldn't care less that you've been writing since you were a child. None of this is proof that you are a quality writer, just that you have had access to either a pencil and some paper, or a computer, sometime in the past. Try fleshing this portion out with a few more personal details about yourself. Military history maybe, age, etc.

Just my opinion.

"I would like to introduce you to my first novel, ***The fact that this is a first novel is NOT a selling point -- quite the opposite! Never forget that you're selling yourself in a query letter. The first thing I want to see is how your novel is going to make me a ton of money. ***** Tam and I. It is currently complete at 76,000 words. ***Yawn. What's it about? You should mention something like this at the end.*** It is a biography and focuses on the period from my seventh grade year to shortly after I got out of basic training. ***Why is that interesting?***

While it is a biography about my life during that period the real subject is a girl I met during eighth grade. ***Still not interesting me. Lots of people meet girls and boys in eighth grade. How is this different? *** She would eventually become my best friend, later my girl friend and much later my wife.***Again, how is this different?**** She was diagnosed with cancer during the summer between our eighth grade and freshmen year and it lead her to a fight for her life. ****Now we're getting somewhere! This is tragic and compelling. If this is the heart of the book, this should be the FIRST SENTENCE in this query letter.***

I don't think that the rest of this summary does justice to the struggle you and your wife went through. For one thing, it's much too drawn out for a query letter, which should be short, sweet, and to the point. Reach out, grab them by the heartstrings, pull, and don't let go. Don't overexplain things, either. I know this was a long, drawn out process for you and it is probably very difficult to put it into a paragraph, but that paragraph is just what will sell it. You can go into details in the book itself.

I am sorry for your loss and welcome to our disfuncitonal little family.

Because you are writing nonfiction, you have to follow the format for a nonfiction query, which I don't think this complies with. I'll grab my book on proposals and give you more feedback tomorrow.

You have to convince an agent that your and your wife's biographies are sellable. Unless you are a celebrity you are going to have a hard time selling the story. It might be more publishable if you fictionalize this account.

On what you've written I second Christine's comments. You have some wonderful heart wrenching sentances in the query that are getting lost.
Consider this first line:
"The will to live is (so) easy to lose in the face of (so much) pain." versus your current first line:
"I would like to introduce you to my first novel, Tam and I."

You wrote both of them (although I suggest taking out the stuff in the ().)but the "new" first one catches my attention and makes me want to read on. I just pulled it out of a block paragraph where it was getting lost.

You are going to have to write a book proposal and not a query letter for nonfiction. If I recall right you will need an outline of chapters and your credentials.

I'll post some good books on nonfiction proposals tomorrow for you.

Good luck.

Dear ….

Think about what it would be like to lose your spouse tomorrow? Then I want you to think about watching them suffer for the past four years as you sat helplessly watching by the hospital bed. Watching as you try to think of ways to keep her spirit up and ways to keep her will to live going. This is the story that I have written. The story of my wife and the struggle I watched her go through.
The story is complete at 76, 000 words and I look forward to hearing from you.

Think about what it would be like to lose your spouse tomorrow? (THIS IS NOT A QUESTION -PERIOD AT END) Then I want you to think about watching them suffer for the past four years as you sat helplessly watching by the hospital bed. Watching as you try to think of ways to keep her spirit up and ways to keep her (IN EARLIER SENTENCE YOU ARE USING A GENERIC "THEM" AND THEN SWITCH TO "HER" CONFUSING) will to live going. This is the story that I have written. The story of my wife and the struggle I watched her go through.
The story is complete at 76, 000 words and I look forward to hearing from you.

I'M THINKING A LITTLE TOO BRIEF HERE. mY SUGGESTION IS TO TAKE HALF A DOZEN BOOKS THAT YOU REALLY LIKE, LINE THEM UP, THEN FLIP THEM OVER AND READ THE BLURB ON THE BACK. THAT SHORT, PITHY SUMMARY THAT READS LIKE A COMMERCIAL FOR THE BOOK IS, IMHO, WHAT WE'RE ALL GOING FOR.

ENCLOSED IS A 76,000 WORD NON-FICTION NOVEL, Tam and I. IT DESCRIBES THE THE LIFE AND DEATH OF AM ORDINARY/LOVELY/COURAGEOUS (pick your adjective) WOMAN TO TO RAVAGES OF A CANCER THAT COULD NOT BE STOPPED.
THE STORY IS TOLD FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE AUTHOR, THE MAIN CHARACTER'S LOVER, HUSBAND AND FRIEND. "TAM AND I" DETAILS THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL COSTS OF BATTLING CANCER IN AN INTIMATE WAY. "TAM AND I" IS A BEAUTIFUL, TRAGIC STORY ABOUT LOVE AND LOSS AND FATE. ANYONE WHO HAS EVER FOUGHT AN IMPOSSIBLE BATTLE, OR LOST SOMEONE THEY LOVED, WILL FIND 'TAM A MOVING AND HEARTBREAKING STORY.

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

*no huffalumps were harmed in the concoction of this query, and under general disclaimer laws, i must tell you that while i have written numerous queries, none have caused any work of mine to be accepted. deb