The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the end of the world before hauling me back here to Devil's cove, to die. There had been no trial; they didn't need one. The ink on my back, the Shen family crest, was proof enough of my treason. It was the sign of a family long known as pirates, and therefore traitors to the crown.

"The guard forced me brutally through the gate and slammed it in my face 'Welcome back to Devil's cove, pirate scum. Wonder how long it'll be before that nice tatoo is rotting off your corpse?' I flipped my braid back over my shoulder to give the guard a better look at the Shen crest boldly emblazoned onto my back. The symbol was worn only by Shen blood heirs, a pirate clan, and proof enough of treason that a trial had been unnecessary. But only I, the pirate king, had ever dared wear it so boldly..."

I mean, what can you do with your hands tied behind your back and three hundred miles of sea around you?

Besides that, the EMPIRE called him 'king of the Pirates' a title that Jalen has not yet taken for himself. I'll reconsider it, but it isn't lending itself to much more action.

Right now I'm not connected to Jalen at all. You've lost the immediacy of his being in the gallows with a rope over his neck. Tell me that he's standing there and then, for me at least, the rest would work to keep my interest.

It's a pet peeve. <shrug>

The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the end of the world before hauling me back here to Devil's cove, to die. There had been no trial; they didn't need one. My family crest, tattooed on my back, was all they needed to prove my piracy, and therefore my treason to the crown. No one save a blood heir to the Shen name would wear it, and they knew that none but the so-called king of the pirates would wear it with such open pride. My braid had been cut so that all could see the symbol of my heritage on my back; I knew that from this height on the gallows the condeming ink was visible to all.

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That way, I think you can keep everything connected in one paragraph. I know I added the "My braid had been cut" but I figured "Pirate = about to die = honorless traitor to the empire= no braid" type of idea.

The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the end of the world before dragging me back to Devils' cove to die in chains. A trial had been unnecessary since I proudly wore the Phoenix and bones of the Shen family across my back.

That mark had damned many men as pirates, and only I, the man they called 'king of the Pirates' would wear that mark so boldly. My braid had been cut short, leaving the mark to be easily seen, and to deny me a resting place with the honored dead.

I think your revision is better. I do agree wth ash above the passive voice. There are a lot of 'had's in the piece and that is often diagnostic of passive writing. It feels as though everything is behind him and he's writing his memoirs tucked up safe at home. I think it could be improved with more immediacy and also by personalising certain words a bit more.

For instance, where you say:

quote:

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That mark had damned many men as pirates...

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quote:

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That mark has damned many of my friends...

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The next line could be used to show us some of his perspective and attitude:

quote:

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My braid had been cut short, leaving the mark to be easily seen, and to deny me a resting place with the honored dead.

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quote:

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They hacked off my braid to deny me rest among the honored dead.
I laughed at that. I'd rather go to hell and be among friends, anyway.

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Clearly these aren't perfect, but I'm trying to illustrate a point. Jalen seems too dissociative, or emotionally removed from what he is relating. It seems to me he should be all fire-in-the-belly. Get tougher and less ornamental. Really let us have it.

Edit: Just realised others had basically said the same thing.

So:

The rope around my neck bit into flesh as if it was eager to get the job done, but I didn't care. If I died a traitor, but rather, I cared that I would, at least, die free. And that was the point. The Empire had chased me to the very edge of the end of the world before dragging me back to Devils' cove to die (from a short drop and a quick stop ) in chains.

Is he really still going to be chained when the push him off? The "in chains" is hard for me to visualize when I know he's about to be hung.

Also, "My braid had been cut short, leaving the mark to be easily seen, and to deny me a resting place with the honored dead." This sentence doesn't work, grammatically. I believe you meant to write: "My braid had been cut short to leave the mark easily seen and to deny me a resting place with the honored dead"?

The sentence "I didn't care, as the rope began to chafe, if I died a traitor, but rather, I cared that I would, at least, die free" also needs a little rearranging to make it flow better. I'd suggest at least putting "as the rope began to chafe" at the beginning of the sentence. I also think the sentence might have a tad bit more impact if you cut it into two sentences, like: "As the rope began to chafe, I didn't care if I died a traitor. Rather, I cared that I would, at least, die free." But that's just my opinion.

kings_falcon: a person about to be hung has his hands tied behind his back or otherwise restrained so that he can't stop the 'short drop and a quick stop.' I, personally, don't have a problem with him being in chains, though I'm mildly curious as to why he's still in chains instead of having tied hands since they aren't nearly as restrictive for said purpose.

Yeah, I just noticed I needed to work on the wording... But it is getting clearer. The thing is, I don't want the whole point to be the hanging because, as we find out later in the scene he beats the odds and ends up escaping the noose AGAIN. This is his second time.

quote:

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The thing is, I don't want the whole point to be the hanging because, as we find out later in the scene he beats the odds and ends up escaping the noose AGAIN.

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Ellepepper, I think most readers will assume that your POV character is not going to die (until proven otherwise). I appreciate that you are trying not to spend too much time on the hanging. However, an event like a hanging is charged with tension, and you can't gloss over it without losing the impact necessary to pull a convincing scene off. This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get wordy--it's much better if you don't. But I don't think that you need to be afraid that fully focusing on the hanging will somehow diminish what happens after it.

I tried not to figit as the hangman droned on. The noose was already starting to chafe, but I merely arched my back to try and stretch out the kink. The boards under my bare feet were getting slippery as the tide began to come in, and I wondered how long this motherforgotten son of a peacock was going to go on about the venerable Empire.

That same Empire had chased me to the very edge of the “End of the world,” only to drag me back here to Devil’s Cove to die a traitor. I no longer feared the lash or the noose. I’d been a sea captain of ‘dubious means’ for almost two hundred Talon. Most of my life, and now I was within a few measures of time, of being dead, or severely changed.

The fire from the flag of bones they had burned was still

In the Feb. 23 version, the tone is a tad distant and I don't feel immediately drawn into the action, but this is a novel. You have to time do that soon after the first 13 lines. The set-up is intriguing. I enjoy the defiant tone of the POV and am ready to settle in for a fun 'noble rogue' Underdog story. I want to know how he gets free. If he doesn't, I'm eager to know who his death so profoundly affects that we have a story spring from it.

In the most recent version, I loved your descriptions. It put me straight into the scene, with the boring hangman, chafing rope, and rising tide. Just wonderful. Unfortunately, you did the description of a bored man so well that _I_ was bored. I got no real sense of defiance or fear. Either the POV isn't the slightest bit worried about being hanged (in which case, why should I be? The excitement/tension is lost) or has no fear of death. Frankly, I don't buy that a man with a noose around his neck isn't the slightest bit worried that his rescue won't succeed in saving him. I also don't buy that the man has lost all fear of death--or, if I do, he's not a character I'm interested in reading about. Even cold-blooded murders waiting on death row (and who are sick and tired of living like caged animals for year after year) fear death. The longer they have to wait while not knowing if they will live or die, the worse the fear gets. One of my death row pen pals isn't entirely sane anymore because of living with that uncertainty.

This is your story, so I hope you'll forgive me for messing with it, but I hope this gives you an idea of what I meant with my previous advice:

I tried not to fidget as the hangman droned on about the glory and might of the venerable Empire. The noose chafed at my neck, and the boards under my bare feet were getting slippery as the tide began to come in. I wondered how long this motherforgotten son of a peacock was going to go on.

What the Empire lacked in cleverness, it made up for with persistence. They had chased me to the very edge of the End of the World, only to drag me back here to Devil’s Cove to die a traitor. I’d been a sea captain of ‘dubious means’ for almost two hundred Talon. I didn't care if I died a traitor. I would, at least, die free.

The flag of bones from my ship had been burned and still smoldered in the distance, like a reluctant Phaeon not quite ready to rebirth.