posted
This is my first attempt at a novel, so I decided to go with my favorite genre, the Western. it’s called Coming Storm, and is about a half Indian child who watches his family die before his eyes, then is picked up by another tribe of Indian (Apaches) and is given a name. Later, he joins a group of die hard vigilantes with almost no mercy, in hopes of avenging his families deaths.
Here are my 13...
/I just want to die, please let me die; can’t you pull that off god? If you are so ****ing special why not just kill me now, come one, please do it… Please…/ Storm stood, his hands shaking, blood splattered across his chest. Of course, he wasn’t called Storm then, he was Jackie, Jackie Forge. But that was a time he didn’t remember, all he remembered from that day was his heads blood on his shirt, his mom’s dead body, cut and torn in his arms, and his baby sister, only eleven months... cut in two In two. Storm stood slowly, his legs trembled. He cried out in anguish, in terror, horror, misery and anger all at the same time. It was a horrible scream that reached any ears but his and his dead families. His mother’s body fell onto the floor, tumbling, making a soft fleshy thud on the hard dry ground.
[This message has been edited by RyanJohnson (edited May 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2007).]
posted
The rule isn't 13 lines per post, it's 13 lines per story, with 13 lines per story-length chapter allowed if you are writing a novel and really need to have people look at the beginning of each chapter.
If your second post is supposed to be additional lines beyond the first 13, Ryan Johnson, I will need to delete it.
posted
sorry, I didnt get all 13 lines in the first post.. it came out as seven.. I meant to add it to my post.. Still kind of learning the ropes a bit.
Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Thirteen lines are defined on the Hatrack River Writers Workshop as 13 manuscript-format lines, which means in 12-point courier font.
The reply box is designed to be exactly 13 manuscript-format lines when it is full. So no matter how many lines you may have on your word processor, we go by how much fills a reply box.
What you posted in your first post the first time counts as your first 13 lines, and that's all the rules allow.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2007).]
quote: /I just want to die, please[,] let me die[;<--I would end here and Capitalize-->]can’t you pull that off[, G]od? If you are so ****ing special[,] why not just kill me now[? C]ome on[e<--misspelling, if you meant "Come on..."], please do it… Please…/ Storm stood, his hands shaking, blood splattered across his chest. Of course, he wasn’t called Storm then, he was Jackie, Jackie Forge.[<--If it isn't Storm, then why do you call him Storm. Call him Jakie until his name becomes Storm] But that was a time he didn’t remember[<--If he couldn't remember it, why IS he?], all he remembered from that day was his [heads<--needed? This next part of the sentence is problematic-->] blood on his shirt, his mom’s dead body, cut and torn in his arms, and his baby sister, only eleven months... cut in two[.] In two. Storm stood slowly, his legs trembled. He cried out in anguish, [in terror, horror, misery and anger all at the same time<--this combination was adequately described with "anguish", it starts to wear on after that.]. It was a horrible scream [What was a horrible scream? Where did it come from. If he didn't hear it, why do you mention it?] that reached any ears but his and his dead families. His mother’s body fell [or he dropped her?] onto the floor, tumbling [ How can it be "tumbling" if it's dead, and already on the floor] or, making a soft fleshy thud on the hard dry ground.
With a little restructuring and cleaning the unnecessary or redundant information up, I would read on.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 18, 2007).]
posted
/I just want to die. Can’t you pull that one of God?/ Coming Storm trembled under the cool breeze. Blood was splattered across his chest and hands. Not his blood, Storm wished it had been. He wished that it had been his own body cut and shot, his own body bleeding out onto the dirt. Storm’s own body should have been the one cut in two, not his baby sister’s. This wish made him yell out in anguish. His scream was a terrible one, and only the ears of his perished family lying around him. Storm stood up slowly and dropped his mother’s body. The body fell, creating a soft fleshy thud on the hard dry ground.
posted
Better, a lot more clear on what's happening. But, it still needs a little work.
quote:
[/<--Do you mean these to be italics?]I just want to die. Can’t you pull that one of[f,] God?/ Coming Storm trembled under the cool breeze. Blood was splattered across his chest and hands. Not his blood, Storm wished it had been. He wished that it had been his own body cut and shot, his own body bleeding out onto the dirt. Storm’s own body should have been the one cut in two, not his baby sister’s.
I liked this part the way it is -- except the two thing I mentioned.
quote: This wish made him yell out in anguish.[<--I'm fine with him simply yelling out -- inarticulately-- in anguish: He yelled out in anguish.]His scream was a terrible one, and only the ears of his perished family lying around him.[<--IMHO, simplify: His terrible scream only fell upon the ears of the dead.] Storm stood up slowly and dropped his mother’s body. The body fell, creating a soft fleshy thud on the hard dry ground.[<--I would think he would gently -- perhaps even reverently -- lay his mother's body on the ground. I can't imagine that I would drop my mother, and (from his PoV, he wouldn't be so descriptive of the sound, he'd probably try to avoid describing it.]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 19, 2007).]
posted
Are these the first 13 lines of the story? OSC warns us against starting a story with violent emotions from the main character. Because the fact is, we don't know Storm yet, so why should we care? Before we have any opportunity to get to know, like, and therefore develop empathy for him, we are bombarded with a really gruesome image of how he lost his family. To be totally honest, a beginning like that turned me off to wanting to read any further. I think perhaps a less dramatic start would be better. The flashback of his families death should come, but a bit later, after we get to know Storm a little.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
yeah, that makes since now that I think about it. I'm used to writing screenplays, which house some different views (i.E. James Bond's start ups)
So I'm changing up the plot and pulling a Larry McMurty, and starting with him where the main part of the plot takes place, then moving to his past back up to where the beginning of the story started, and on to the climaxing fight scene I have rolling in the back of my mind.
posted
Ok, I cannot decide between two choices to make for how to run my story.
First: the murder of Coming Storm’s family is the prologue, and then it start a about a year after with Chapter 1 The story starts ten years after the murder, with Storm in his group of vigilante bounty hunters on a “job” then go into telling the story of his past,
posted
Is the basic plot revenge? Self discovery? Murder mystery? The type of story -- more so than the genre -- will dictate how you tell the story.
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I dont really know what to say. its kind of, life... Him being raised, then joining a bounty hunter group, falling in love, killing some bad guys
the real main plot starts with him finding that the two people who raise him after his parent's death (two former slaves making thier fortune in the West)have nounties on thier heads.. but that isnt until later in the story.
posted
So everything until then is basically setting up for the main plot? Do you really think modern readers have that much patience?
Why not start the story when he finds out that the people who took him in after his parents were killed have a price on their heads? Now that is a hook.
quote: the real main plot starts with him finding that the two people who raise him after his parent's death (two former slaves making thier fortune in the West)have bounties on thier heads..
Start there.
All the other stuff is just his backstory. Important for you to know but not so much for the reader to wade through.
You have to have a handle on the basic type of story. What kind of story do you want to tell?
Life is well and good but I live it every day. Give me a reason to tune out my life and fall into his.
The reason why I'm implying the backstory so much, is that the plot doesnt amtter unless I can tell teh story of how these two men raised Storm when he had nothing, and how they are the only two people he has left.
One of the points of the plot is the cahnge between suicidal hatred after Storm's family is murdered, and love again when he meets the two Former slaves.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
-- in anguish: He yelled out in anguish.]His scream was a terrible one, and only the ears of his perished family lying around him.[<--IMHO, simplify: His terrible scream only fell upon the ears of the dead.] Storm stood up slowly and dropped his mother’s body. The body fell, creating a soft fleshy thud on the hard dry ground.[<--I would think he would gently -- perhaps even reverently -- lay his mother's body on the ground. I can't imagine that I would drop my mother, and (from his PoV, he wouldn't be so descriptive of the sound, he'd probably try to avoid describing it.]
