posted
Chapter I Baghdad: 7/29/2056, 1:00PM Aram was not of those anti-reformists. He saw no point all that hate, that resentment. He wondered how it was possible for people to hold grudges that long. Saddam Hussein was actually a peace-keeper in one side. Although he killed those who opposed him, he managed to keep the religious and political factions from causing wars. Fear of the government made them live as neighbors. Riots would only end in death and torture; and there wouldn’t be anyone to protect their rights. But America came, and the hope of justice also came with it. But there was a price: Once Saddam’s reign fell; a power struggle began; both political and religious. Freedom of religion and beliefs was a laughable matter. Saudi Arabia is filled with leaders and groups trying to enforce their beliefs.....
-Technically, this my view on the situation in Iraq. Of course, this is not a non-fictional work. The story begins after these paragraphs.
posted
This appears to me to be a good prologue - you say it's explanatory background that is not part of the story. What I'd like to see is the story. A political treatise isn't that interesting.
Posts: 243 | Registered: Jul 2007
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If you have to have this I'd recommend either working this info dump into either dialog or perhaps at least a monologue like a speech or presentation.
Right now its way too heavy on the summary narration. It does not let me feel the story except as a statement of the author's motives not the character's motives.
posted
You say the story begins after those paragraphs, but I don't think many will get that far. Personally, I was turned off by what felt like preaching of your personal stance on a current situation. I wanted a story.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I agree. It needs a story. That would mean a character, setting and a hook. I don't feel hooked by political statement, controversial or not. I feel hooked by seeing how that applies to a character I can sympathize with.
Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2005
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quote: Aram was not of those anti-reformists.[What kind of anti-reformist was he? Or, about whom is he refering?] He saw no point all that hate[What hate?], that resentment[What resentment?]. He wondered how it was possible for people to hold grudges[What grudge? Who is holding a grudge?] that long[How long?]. [Saddam Hussein was actually a peace-keeper in one side<--Huh? This sentence is structured wierd and the "in one side" throws me. One side of what?]. Although he killed those who opposed him[I supposed this could be considered "keeping the peace", the way that shooting you for smoking would stop you from getting lung cancer.], he managed to keep the religious and political factions from causing wars. [Fear of the government made them live as neighbors. Riots would only end in death and torture; and there wouldn’t be anyone to protect their rights. But America came, and the hope of justice also came with it. But there was a price: Once Saddam’s reign fell; a power struggle began; both political and religious. Freedom of religion and beliefs was a laughable matter. Saudi Arabia is filled with leaders and groups trying to enforce their beliefs.....All of this has become an info-dump, with no direct relation to the POV.]
1) I found myself drifting because you stopped telling a story on started lecturing me on politics. After the first Saddam sentence, I couldn't help but see this as a way to stir up a touchy subject, and offer no resolution.
2) The first three sentences were in a PoV, and I could accept the fourth as his opinion, too. But, where was it going, before he -- or this -- got off on a rant?
3) I see no elements that this takes place fifty years in the future. So far, I could find this sentiment in a pethora of places, and some with a story built around it.
I suggest you create conflict and sympathy for Aram, before focusing on the/his politics. Bleed his political feelings throughout the story, showing examples that support his theories, so that it doesn't seem so lecture-ish/preachy. Why does this matter to him? How does his life stand to change? Why?
Chapter I: Aram Baghdad: 7/29/2056, 1:00PM As Aram walked down the dusty street, he stopped and took a left, entering a bazaar. Hunger is an all time high and he was used to stealing. It was necessity and if the merchants did not want to give him food, then he would take it. Some merchants seceded, some did not. But in this city, you can not be soft, especially if you live on the streets. If you refused to fight, steal, and exploit for survival, then you would die in a matter of months, or weeks. So ever since he was six, abandoned and burning with the Arabian heat, Aram took the reins of his life and did everything and anything that he must do to survive. He had seen all the dark sides of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 13, 2007).]
quote: As Aram walked down the dusty street, he stopped and took a left, entering a bazaar. Hunger [is<--violates past tense.] [at] an all time high[,] and he was used to stealing. [It was necessity and if the merchants did not want to give him food, then he would take it.<--This seems like he expects something for nothing.] Some merchants seceded, some did not. But in this city, [you<--Talking to the reader takes them out of immersion.] can not be soft, especially if you live on the streets. [If you<--You were telling us about Aram, remember?] refused to fight, steal, and exploit for survival, then you would die in a matter of months, or weeks. So ever since [he<--Ah, you do remember. ] was six, abandoned and burn[ed] with the Arabian heat, Aram [took the reins of his life and did everything and anything that he must <--This seems like the long way of just saying: did what he had to] do to survive. He had seen all the dark sides of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
I cut off my critique where I did so that it would remain 13 lines. It needs cleaning, and that would add room to add into it, but where it ends now, it has a hook.
I like this much better. I'd like to know how old Aram is and where he lives (city, not house).
I think if you refine it a bit further, it will be fine.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 10, 2007).]
posted
good job on the rewrite, Gibran, you took a huge critical step in making use of the feedback you got. This is a much more gripping opening. If people care about your character, they will care about how he feels and what he believes.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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I'm still noticing that you spend most of the 13 lines not in the present. If you're going to need to flashback that much... I feel like you are either beginning in the wrong place, or you need to put it on a second scene or something.
posted
About the re-write, there are a few things I'd like to say: Even though there was a dramatic change between my first and second version, I will not utterly throw those things away. I've decided to mesh those abstract thoughts into the story -without stumbling over words and saying it so directly. In fact, I had to delete about 5 paragraphs to remake the beginning.
About the current draft, I want you to know Aram is a hungry beggar. Of course, being this way, he DOES expect something for nothing; it was the way he grew up. Also, Aram's looks and age were described. About "speaking to the reader," I meant it as Aram's state of mind. Maybe if I replace "you" with "one"?
[This message has been edited by Gibran (edited July 11, 2007).]
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] was six, abandoned and burn[ed] with the Arabian heat, Aram [took the reins of his life and did everything and anything that he must <--This seems like the long way of just saying: did what he had to] do to survive. He had seen all the dark sides of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
