First, the first 13:

The one thing Amy hated more than anything in the known universe was being stuck within the confines of a tin can. No, wait – she decided she hated the cramped confines of arcologies even more.
But it didn’t make travel by tin can any more comforting.
And it was even worse when every available space was crammed full of generators, weapons, armor and waste heat evaporators. Living quarters and passageways were an afterthought. This cruiser carried coilguns and lasers, not people.
And the lack of gravity didn’t help either. At least an arcology had full gravity. With a max acceleration of only about point-five g’s, a misstep meant bouncing against the low overhead, or flying smack into a bulkhead face-first.

And now the summary: our heroine goes down to a war-ravaged planet to carry out a mission she's contracted to do. While there, she begins to re-evaluate just who she is and what her purpose is for, while at the same time builds up an elite fighting unit from scratch (since this is OSC's board and there's no use hiding it, it kinda ends up being an Ender's Game rip-off :/)

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 15, 2007).]

Why don't you get the mission in there right away.

As to a good title, how about the name of the planet she is going to? I named my only Science Fiction book so far 'Solarus' after the planet home of my main characters, then discovered there was already a book called that, and they were turning it into a film, so I changed the name of the planet and the name of the book.

Grant

quote:

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The one thing Amy hated more than anything [in the known universe<--Is this needed? It seems to clutter the first sentence up a little.] was being stuck within the confines of a [tin can.<--I didn't mind the cliche here.] No, wait – [she decided<--Needed?] she hated the cramped confines of arcologies even more.
But it didn’t make travel by [tin can<--now it's redundant. Is this sentence even necessary?] any more comforting.
And it was even worse when every available space was crammed full of generators, weapons, armor and [waste heat<-- what is "waste heat"?] evaporators. Living quarters and passageways were an afterthought[To whom? This seems to go from Amy's PoV to Omniscient.] This cruiser carried coilguns and lasers, not people.
And the lack of gravity didn’t help either. At least an arcology had full gravity. With a max acceleration of only about point-five g’s, a misstep meant bouncing against the low overhead, or flying smack into a bulkhead face-first.[Is this her first trip? If she flew this way often, wouldn't she be used to it?] And when

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I agree with Spaceman and mfreivald: It's an infodump mostly from Amy's PoV. The pertinent questions being: Who cares about an everyday cargo-hauling ship? and Why should I care enough about Amy to read on?

I know about a mission from the summary, not the story. I suggest that you take us into character by having her think about her mission. It would seem natural.

And maybe I'm reading an edited version... but I, in no way, felt the info-being-"dumped" was out of place. It gave character to her situation and gave me the image that I too would hate travel by tin can.

I will try to look at as quickly as possible though,

Hey Grant, teaching math (or maths for you blokes from the royal domain) is more than a few red checks….Oh, all right, I usually just throw my student’s papers down the stairs to mark them: top step is an A, next is an A-, and so on….Sometimes if I want to put some effort in I take the mean stair as a C and work outward in standard deviations...(OK, I admit it, grading math is pretty easy. I once assigned an essay. Grading that was the worst experience of my life - I feel for you man.)

Here are my thoughts on the passage.

============================================================
The one thing Amy hated more than anything [in the known universe <- made my stumble in reading it, and seems unnecessary] was being stuck within the confines of a tin can. No, wait – she decided she hated the cramped confines of arcologies even more.
But it didn’t make travel by tin can any more comforting.
And it was even worse when every available space was crammed full of generators, weapons, armor and waste heat evaporators. Living quarters and passageways were an afterthought. This cruiser carried ["was designed to carry" or something similar since I assume the cruiser does carry people?] coilguns and lasers, not people.
And the lack of gravity didn’t help either. At least an arcology had full gravity. With a max acceleration of only about point-five g’s, a misstep meant bouncing against the low overhead, or flying smack into a bulkhead face-first. And when
============================================================

I enjoy the writing. A subtle sense of humor here promises humor throughout the story. I would keep reading to find out more about Amy and her world, but I would need something more soon. I think it is more than infodump because we are learning about the character and her view of her world. That said, I think we need conflict soon, either another person to talk to or a problem to be overcome, somebody she is in conflict with – hint to me about her needs, her mission, why it’s hard, what has to change, etc.

Oh, it seems that she is unsatisfied with her position, perhaps with her status in life. (Without being dark, sarcastic, or whining, by the way, which I find sympathetic.) Is this intentional, perhaps as part of something she wants to change or part of the 'world' she lives in? Maybe its just part of who she is?

That’s my $0.02.

Bill

Amy despised being stuck within this tin can, more than anything she could think of - on second though, she hated those ultra-cramped arcologies even more. Not like interstellar travel and arcologies were all that different, though.
But warships were worse than arcologies. Living quarters and passageways seemed like an afterthought. This cruiser carried coilguns and lasers, not people. And at least arcologies had full gravity. Even after hundreds of missions, she never got used to it, always bumping her head and sometimes flying face-first into a bulkhead. And when the ship cut off its engines and coasted the rest of the way to the jump point, it only got worse.

Also, in regards to "waste heat," since someone brought it up (and I know it's bad form to explain something in this manner, but oh well :P) - waste heat is meant to refer to, well, the waste heat that's generated on a space ship, so you need a means to remove it, otherwise your ship starts to melt.

More info on that concept can be found here:

http://www.projectrho.com/rocket/rocket3e.html#radiator

Also, Bill and Grant John - I'm e-mailing you full copies of what I have so far.

...actually, before I do that, I noticed that your e-mails are for your academic accounts. Is it ok if I sent it there or to another e-mail address?

[This message has been edited by The G-Bus Man (edited August 16, 2007).]

quote:

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Amy despised being stuck within this tin can, more than anything she could think of. On second thought, she hated those ultra-cramped arcologies even more. Not as if interstellar travel and arcologies were all that different, though.
Warships were worse than arcologies. Living quarters and passageways seemed like an afterthought. This cruiser carried coilguns and lasers, not people. And at least arcologies had full gravity. Even after hundreds of missions, she never got used to it. Always bumping her head and sometimes flying face-first into a bulkhead. When the ship cut off its engines and coasted the rest of the way to the jump point, it only got worse.

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You're using a more informal tone of voice, which works for the character (to match her perspective) but something about it kind of puts me off. I like the setting so far, but it seemed awkward to read (for example the last line "And when the ship cut off its engines and coasted the rest of the way to the jump point, it only got worse" could be "it only became worse." Or "after hundreds of missions, she never got used to it" would be "she never was used to it" or "became used to it." Or even "Even after hundreds of missions she couldn't get used to no gravity."

Hope that helps.

[This message has been edited by ixis (edited August 17, 2007).]