The interesting part of the query, to me, is the part where you introduce Adiak Peller. I think you;d do much better if you rework the query without the dialogue and the scene, and then start the story synopsis right away.

Something like:

What Del really wants is to be in his nice warm bed and finished with his latest field training mission. Instead, he finds himself skirmishing with a snake. But things are about to get much worse for Del as Adiak Peller, head of the terrorist group Gadion Faction, has determined that Del is the key in finding the Kolomite ore allegedly stolen 18 years prior by Del's father, Dak – a former StarScout, turned traitor, or so the rumors say. And Adiak Peller will do anything, anything to retrieve his Kolomite.

Evil editor at http://evileditor.blogspot.com/ has a number of queries you can read, even one or two that have been accepted. You can get a sense of how it's done.

Others may weigh in here with a different opinion, though.

Reading the prose takes longer than reading the synopsis. And, if you're an unpublished writer (or only small amts of short story sales in non-professional markets) you should stick to convention. It's the people who've got name recognition or made headway in their writing careers who get to break the rules. The rest of us can only look in their general direction in envy.

FWIW, if your hope with the excerpt was to hook the person reading, I'm not in publishing and even I skimmed, I guess is my main point.

-----------
Dear Editor,

Alpha Prime is a completed science fiction novel of 185,000 words.

Deep in the Amazonian jungle, Del Baldura, novice StarScout really wants this routine field training mission over. But, routine becomes sinister as assailants kidnap Del and his team and transport them offworld. Adiak Peller, leader of the terrorist group Gadion Faction, believes that Del is the key in finding a huge store of Kolomite ore, the most valuable commodity in the known universe, stolen from him years prior. The thief is none other than Del's father, Dak – former renowned StarScout, and now alleged traitor. And Adiak Peller will do anything, anything to retrieve his Kolomite.

The kidnappers take Del and his teammates to uncharted worlds where Del faces a lake of burning acid, erupting volcanoes, deadly creatures and ultimately First Contact with hostile sentient extraterrestrials – Alpha Prime. Only his ingenuity, courage, and a lot of help from his teammates save him.

The main character Del is a young man driven by his mother's premature death and her undying belief that her husband is guiltless. By joining the StarScouts, he begins his journey to prove his father's innocence, his own potential, and restore honor to his family name.

During my career as a military officer, I wrote a major field training manual, that the US Army published Army-wide and numerous training courses. My public speaking experience ranges from lectures to small classes to audiences of hundreds.

I welcome the opportunity to send you the complete manuscript, or, if you prefer, I can provide the first three chapters and an outline of the rest. Enclosed is a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your reply, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[This message has been edited by palmon (edited September 19, 2007).]

Most of your revised query is a list which makes me skim or gloss over it. Try to cut unnecessary details.

My take:

quote:

---

Deep in the Amazonian jungle, Del Baldura, novice StarScout really wants this routine field training mission over. This is a hard way to start. Generally don't start with telling me what they want because I am wondering why I care.

But, routine becomes sinister as assailants kidnap Del and his team and transport them offworld. There is no hard and fast rule about starting with a "but", but try to avoid it. The sentance is stronger without it and the melodrama. This is a query tell me why they would kidnap him. What assailants? Off world? What world was I on?

Adiak Peller, leader of the terrorist group Gadion Faction, believes that Del is the key in finding a huge store of Kolomite ore, the most valuable commodity in the known universe, stolen from him years prior. WAY TOO MUCH detail in one sentance. Why does Adiak believe that Del is the key? The Kolomite was stolen from Del? I know what you mean to say, but you don't say it.

The thief is none other than Del's father, Dak – former renowned StarScout, and now alleged traitor. This bit of information should come earlier

And Adiak Peller will do anything, anything to retrieve his Kolomite. This doesn't tell me anything

The kidnappers take Del and his teammates to uncharted worlds where Del faces a lake of burning acid, erupting volcanoes, deadly creatures and ultimately First Contact with hostile sentient extraterrestrials – Alpha Prime. This is a list

Only his ingenuity, courage, and a lot of help from his teammates save him. How? Details can help here

The main character Del is a young man driven by his mother's premature death and her undying belief that her husband is guiltless. By joining the StarScouts, he begins his journey to prove his father's innocence, his own potential, and restore honor to his family name. don't tell me this. Show me it. Although that last line with some tweaking could be your hook

During my career as a military officer, I wrote a major field training manual, that the US Army published Army-wide and numerous training courses. My public speaking experience ranges from lectures to small classes to audiences of hundreds. First, thank you for your service.

While impressive credentials, these credits aren't tied into your story or fiction writing abilities. Oh wait, you said "army training manual" - well that is fiction. Keep the credits relevent to the story. You know about military life because you've been there and done that.

I welcome the opportunity to send you the complete manuscript, or, if you prefer, I can provide the first three chapters and an outline of the rest. Enclosed is a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your reply, and I look forward to hearing from you soon. this is first date whiney. Beef up into a more professional tone .

---

Lest you think I hated it, I didn't. You just aren't doing your story justice. Focus on your MC. Your antagonist are the Alpha Prime aliens. Also, on that word count - YIPES! Can you edit it down to 130K or so? That word count is likely to make your job selling a first novel much tougher.

Maybe something like:

I am seeking representation for Alpha Prime a completed science fiction novel of 185,000 words.

Del Baldura joined the StarScouts, an elite military unit of the Evil Robot Monkey ("ERM") Empire, to disprove the charges of treaon against his father and restore honor to his family name. When a band of terrorists capture him, Del must confront his past and his father, Adiak Peller, the terroist leader. In order to remove the brand of traitor, Del and Adiak attempt to reclaim the Kolomite ore that was stolen from Adiak years earlier.

The search takes them to Evil Monkeyville where they discover a new alien species, Alpha Prime. The Alpha Prime stole the ore to Save the Whale - no wait - Evil Monkeyville - and they aren't willing to surrender it. Del saves his father and retrieves the Kolomite in true McGuiver fashion with a roll of duct tape, two paperclips and a standard poodle. They return to the ERM Empire as heros. Adiak gets 30 years of back pay and blows it all on hats while Del becomes the High Commander of the StarGuard.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Obviously its not perfect (or remotely accurate) since I don't know how the story goes but now I at least have a reasonable plot arc going. Keep working on it and good luck.

Corrected for typos

I think this works because it goes straight through the story and just tells what happens and tells us about the character.

My advice is to trim anything unnecessary. Make each word justify its existence.

I suggest trimming words like "huge" and the extra "anything", and even "the most valuable commodity in the known universe." I think an agent or publisher will assume it's valuable since it's wanted.

I also think you could trim "The main character," because it already looks like Del is the main character at that point.

Also, "burning acid" might be just as good as just "acid". Burning seems to be implied in an acid. In my mind, anyway.

"Deadly creatures" comes off as a bit generic. Is there a brief description you can give them here? "Giant mosquito-aliens" as an example.

I'm not sure First Contact needs to be capitalized.

I read in an agent blog that you don't need to tell them an SASE is enclosed. They can figure that out. I don't know if that applies to all agents, but it seems to make sense to me.

Here's a quick line by line:

Dear Editor,

Alpha Prime is a completed science fiction novel of 185,000 words.

Deep in the Amazonian jungle, Del Baldura, novice StarScout need comma here really wants "really wants" sounds weak and a little whiney.... Make this stronger and nix that pesky adverb! this routine field training mission over. But, routine becomes sinister This sounds awkward... maybe "the routine turns sinister"as when assailants kidnap Del and his team and transport them offworld need hyphen: off-world, or two separate words.. Adiak Peller, leader of the terrorist group Gadion Faction, believes that Del is the key in to finding a huge store of Kolomite ore, the most valuable commodity in the known universe, stolen from him years prior. The thief is none other than Del's father, Dak – former renowned StarScout, and now alleged traitor. And Adiak Peller will do anything, anything repetition didn't work for me here--sounds forced. to retrieve his Kolomite.

The kidnappers take Del and his teammates to uncharted worlds where Del faces a lake of burning acid, erupting volcanoes, deadly creatures and ultimately First Contact I don't think this is usually capitalized with hostile sentient extraterrestrials I think you can cut extraterrestrials--it's pretty clear we're no where near earth at this point. – Alpha Prime Maybe "the Alpha Prime" ?. Only his ingenuity, courage, and a lot of help from his teammates Okay, You say "only" but then you rattle off three things, which sort of weakens the effect. I think it's better to say something like, "Del must rely on his blah blah... to save him. save him. Save him from what, exactly? What is he trying to do here?

The main character cut "main character" --this is pretty clear already because you've done a good job with the synopsis. Del is a young man driven by his mother's premature death and her undying juxtaposition of "death" and "undying" didn't really work for me here. belief that her husband is guiltless. By joining the StarScouts, he begins his journey to prove his father's innocence, his own potential This was a little odd.,, not sure "proving one's potential" works., and restore honor to his family name. The way this is written it almost sounds like a separate plot. How does this goal tie in to what's happening above? What's the connection I'm missing here? Also, it sounded as if he were reluctant to be a StarScout at all. So what does he want to prove his potential in? I ask this because the fact that his father was a renowned StarScout suggests that's where he feels lacking.

During my career as a military officer, I wrote a major field training manual, that the US Army published Army-wide and numerous training courses. My public speaking experience ranges from lectures to small classes to audiences of hundreds. From what I've read, it's best not to mention any of your credential unless they relate to story writing. Better to cut, esp the public speaking part. I'm not sure how much the major field training manual will help, either (though it certainly makes me curious).

The kidnappers take Del and his teammates to uncharted worlds where Del faces a lake of burning acid, erupting volcanoes, deadly creatures and ultimately First Contact with hostile sentient extraterrestrials – Alpha Prime. Only his ingenuity, courage, and a lot of help from his teammates save him.

You've described the back story and setup pretty well but the above snippet says very little about the guts of the story other than the MC escaped with his life. Did he simply escape (there were 10 volcanoes)? or did he contend with many other specific hurdles, redeem his father, exact some comeuppance on the terrorists, find the kolomite and do something with it, and escape (there were 2 volcanoes)? The editor will definitely want more about this, especially with such a lengthy story. Otherwise, the editor will assume it is a tedious chase scene, or the story hasn't been written, yet, IMHO. Good luck.

"that her husband is guiltless. By joining the StarScouts, he begins his journey to prove his father's innocence."

Proving him guiltless seemed a tad awkward wording to me. Maybe:

"that her husband is innocent. By joining the StarScouts, he begins his journey to clear his father's name."

----

Alpha Prime is a completed science fiction novel of 185,000 words, set in the future.

Sinister rumors surround missing StarScout hero Dak McCarel after his last mission, driving his son Del to join the junior StarScouts so that he can solve the mystery of his father and restore their family's honor. Adiak Peller, leader of the Gadion Faction terrorists, believes that Dak is not lost, but instead vanished after killing Adiak's son. He devises a plot to flush out the StarScout, using Del as the bait. The conspiracy threatens not only Del's chance of becoming a StarScout, but his life and the lives of his friends.

During a training mission, poachers kidnap Del and his four teammates and transport them off-world. Blackmailed into helping their captors, the novice explorers sense that the expertise of the criminals and their equipment are not what you expect from common thieves. The young scouts suspect the worst: they are in the clutches of the Gadion Faction.

They escape and everything changes. After centuries of wondering if humankind is truly alone, the question is answered as the scouts make First Contact with Alpha Prime – sentient extraterrestrials. The dream of peaceful co-existence is dashed when they are thrown into an ancient war between two alien races and must choose sides. Captor and captive unite in a fight for survival.

The journey is filled with hard choices, and harsh consequences. Each act of courage brings Del one step closer to his dream of erasing his father's shame. Finally, he understands what it means to be a StarScout – To Return With Honor.

Sinister rumors surround the dissapearance of StarScout hero Dak McCarel after his last mission.This drives his son, Del, to join the junior StarScouts to solve the mystery and restore their family'sI don't know here if it should be family's or family honour? honor.

[New paragraph]Adiak Peller, leader of the Gadion Faction terrorists, believes that Dak has in fact vanished after killing Adiak's son. He devises a plot to flush out the StarScout, using Del as bait. The conspiracy threatens not only Del's chancesof becoming a StarScout, but his life and those of his friends.

During a training mission, Del and his teammates are captured and transpored off-world. They soon realise these are no ordinary criminals, their expertise far beyond that of mere thiefs, and begin to suspect they are in the clutches of the Gadion Faction. They managed to escape their captors.

After centuries of wondering if humankind is truly alone, the question is answered when the scouts make First Contact with Alpha Prime – sentient extraterrestrials. The dream of peaceful co-existence is dashed when they are thrown into an ancient war between two alien races and must choose sides. Captor and captive unite in a fight for survival.

The journey is filled with hard choices and harsh consequences. Each act of courage brings Del one step closer to his dream of erasing his father's shame. He begins to understand what it means to be a StarScout – To Return With Honor.

My changes are in bold. I've tried to tighten it up and erase the rendunancies. I'm not sure about the last sentance. It seems to me that the story is about Del finding his father, and the war with between ancient races. The last sentance makes it sound like its about being a StarScout. My suggestion would be to either end it with his father's shame, or elaborate on the wat or something. Also, it doesn't really explain how the ancient war effects the plot.

Hope this helps you to get closer to the perfect query. I'm still working on mine!

The first paragraph feels a little problematic to me because it almost sounds as if Adiak Peller is the MC. I'd suggest rejiggering the first sentence to make Del more strongly and prominently the subject. Actually, when I first read it, I thought "driving his son..." referred to "his last mission", as in, his father's last mission was to drive his son to the recruiting station or whatever.

[quote]
Sinister rumors surround missing StarScout hero Dak McCarel after his last mission, driving his son Del to join the junior StarScouts so that he can solve the mystery of his father father's disappearance and restore their family's honor. A bit of a run-on here. Adiak Peller, leader of the Gadion Faction terrorists, believes that Dak is not lost, but instead vanished after killing Adiak's son.This is the sentence that makes Peller sound like the MC. I don't think we need to know what Peller believes, only that he wants revenge for Dak's killing his son. He devises a plot to flush out the StarScout, using Del as the bait. The conspiracy threatens not only Del's chance of becoming a StarScout, but his life and the lives of his friends.

During a training mission, poachers kidnap Del and his four teammates and transport them off-world.This feels a little redundant in idea, since you tell us above that Peller aims to use Del as bait. I wonder if it would work to combine reduce these two thoughts into one, written with Del as the subject. Blackmailed into helping their captors, the novice explorers sense that the expertise of the criminals and their equipment are not what you expect from common thieves Are they thieves or poachers?. The young scouts suspect the worst: they are in the clutches of the Gadion Faction.

They escape and everything changes. After centuries of wondering if humankind is truly alone, the question is answered as the scouts make First Contact with Alpha Prime – sentient extraterrestrials. The dream of peaceful co-existence is dashed when they are thrown into an ancient war between two alien races and must choose sides. Captor and captive So by this I'm assuming you mean Adiak and Pell, right? unite in a fight for survival.

My take:

quote:

---

Sinister rumors surround the last mission of missing StarScout hero Dak McCarel delete --> after his last mission . His son , Del joins the junior StarScouts This sounds like the Junioy Cub Scouts. delete --> "so that he can" to solve the mystery of his father's disappearance and restore their family's honor. Adiak Peller, leader of the Gadion Faction terrorists, believes that Dak is not lost, but instead vanished after killing Adiak's son. He devises a plot to flush out the StarScout, using Del as the bait. He doesn't devise - He kidnaps Del hoping to flush the father out of hiding.

The conspiracy threatens not only Del's chance of becoming a StarScout, but his life and the lives of his friends. <-- this sentance probably isn't necessary. Obviously if he kidnaps them they are at risk

During a training mission, poachers kidnap Del and his four teammates and transport them off-world. Tell me Adiak does this rather than repeat it - ie he plans, he does. Just say he does. Blackmailed HOW? into helping their captors, the novice explorers What notice explorers - drop the team from the query. Focus on Del, Aidak and Ian

sense that the expertise of the criminals and their equipment are not what you expect from common thieves. The young scouts suspect the worst: they are in the clutches of the Gadion Faction. IMHO, this can go too. You've already told me that they are the Gadion Faction. So, just "Del learns/discovers that the Gadion Faction is his abductor" works better and saves you word count.

They escape and everything changes. After centuries of wondering if humankind is truly alone, the question is answered as the scouts make First Contact with Alpha Prime – sentient extraterrestrials. again - cut to the chase. Del escapes and runs into the Alpha Prime at the local truck stop.

The dream of peaceful co-existence is dashed when they are thrown into an ancient war between two alien races and must choose sides. Which other race? How is Del thrown into this war? Captor and captive Wait, isn't Del free? When was he re-captured and who did it? Or does he now have to join forces with Adiak? unite in a fight for survival.

The journey is filled with hard choices, and harsh consequences. This sentance does nothing for you - give me one important example. Del can save himself only if he leaves his father to die. Each act of courage brings Del one step closer to his dream of erasing his father's shame. Finally, he understands what it means to be a StarScout – To Return With Honor.

---

I don't get the sense that there is an ending. While I am sure you have one, the query doesn't pay off. Del wants to prove his Dad's not a thief. Dad's former freind kidnaps him in the hopes of finding Dad. Del (somehow) escapes and (somehow) meets up with TWO alien races. Del (somehow) is drawn into the alien civil war. Del has to make (some) choice.

What does he choose? Does he redeem the family name? Does he find Dad? What's up with the alien war?

You are much closer since I can see the outline of the story but I need to know there is some resolution and you need to take this out of the quest/choice cliche. While I am sure the story does, if the query doesn't there will be nothing to excite an agent.

Alpha Prime is a completed futuristic science fiction novel of 185,000 words.
.
Sinister rumors surround missing StarScout Dak McCarel which drive his son Del to join the StarScouts to overcome the shameful legacy left by Dak. Adiak Peller, Gadion Faction terrorist leader, seeks revenge for his son's death at the hand of Dak. He devises a plot to flush out the StarScout, using Del as the bait. The conspiracy threatens Del's chance of becoming a StarScout, his life, and his friends' lives as well.

During a training mission, poachers kidnap Del and his four teammates and transport them off-world. Blackmailed into helping their captors, the novice explorers realize that the expertise of the criminals and their equipment are not what the they expected from common thieves. The young scouts assume the worst: they are in the clutches of the Gadion Faction.

Captor and captive unite in a fight for survival when they make First Contact with Alpha Prime – sentient extraterrestrials. Thrown into an ancient war between two alien races, they must choose sides. In a running battle, Del sees his companions fall one-by-one. Fighting off fiendish creatures, Del stands shoulder-to-shoulder with an alien warrior. In an act of ultimate sacrifice, the warrior saves Del.

As Del stands in the StarScout Hall of Heroes honoring his fallen friends, he begins to understand how their sacrifices and his own courage have brought him out of his father's shadow and he is finally able to stand proudly with the title, StarScout.

I've made a few changes to your first paragraph and minor ones to the second and third (marked in parentheses). Take them as you will. And good luck with the querying process!
...
Sinister rumors surround missing StarScout Dak McCarel. Driven by the shameful legacy Dak left behind, his son, Del, joins the StarScouts. Adiak Peller, Gadion Faction terrorist leader, seeks revenge for his own son's death at the hands of Dak. He devises a plot to flush the fugitive out, using Del as bait. The conspiracy threatens Del's chance of becoming a StarScout, his very life, and his friends' lives as well.

During a training mission, poachers kidnap Del and his four teammates and transport them off-world. Blackmailed into helping their captors, the novice explorers realize (delete "that")the expertise of the criminals and their equipment are not what the they expected from common thieves. The young scouts assume the worst: they are in the clutches of the Gadion Faction.

Captor and captive unite in a fight for survival when they make First Contact with Alpha Prime – sentient extraterrestrials. Thrown into an ancient war between two alien races, they must choose sides. In a running battle, Del sees his companions fall one by one (delete hyphens). Fighting off fiendish creatures, Del stands shoulder to shoulder (delete hyphens) with an alien warrior, who, in an act of ultimate sacrifice, saves Del. (make last two sentences one)

The StarScout Motto: Honor, Courage, Commitment (whatever it is). The elite force of ...... It's everything that Del McCarel wants but can't have, not when you're the son of a traitor. Del pushes himself to the edge in effort to make a name for himself clear from his father's shadow. He has one shot at his final exam for the prestigous StarScout academy. The target is in sight. His team is moments away from success and then hell breaks loose. He and his team are captured by an unknown factor. Their equipment is too sleek. Their tactics too clean. They're not just pirates. Del is the key.

Galaxies away, two alien races battle for the stars. Their eons of fighting climax in the mystery that surrounds the fateful story of a missing StarScout team, Del's father and unlimited power. In the back rooms of inter-galatic politics, lives are bought and sold. Adiak Peller seeks revenge for a father's mistake. The Faction erodes the borders of law.

At the end of the galaxy, innocence will crumble as secrets are told and the battle for the the lives of millions is resolved. Will Del stand in the Hall of Heroes as a champion or will he become the next martyr for peace.