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The novel I've been working on for about a year, Thirty pages finished, + 100 pages of prewriting.
For Adam there was no moment where he decided that he would steal. If he were asked, he would still say he didn't steal anything. But he was fully aware of what was going down. There was no moment where Francis told him what he was going to do - he simply did it. Adam saw his hand reach down his pants and a large bulk under his sweater, then it disappeared as he pulled his sweater over it. Adam didn't see what he was pinching, but he knew that he was stealing. Adam had up to this point never learned what the right thing would be. The easy thing was obvious, just go with it. Every man is responsible for his own destiny - Francis Simpson by his actions was a thief, Adam was innocent as long as he remained separate from the crime. As they walked toward the exit, they
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 31, 2007).]
posted
To be honest, I'm a bit confused by a few things. Perhaps its the early hour.
First, the opening sentence lead me to believe Adam was about to steal something, but by the end, it seemed that Francis was doing the stealing.
"Adam saw his hand reach down his pants and a large bulk under his sweater, then it disappeared as he pulled his sweater over it." I got it the second time, but it confused me on the first read. I think this feels a bit discordant.
Pinching seems like more of an expert term, to me, not an innocent bystander word.
"As they walked toward the exit, they first had to collect their bags." This seemed like something new, and felt like it should begin a new paragraph.
Overall, I don't feel hooked. I learn something of the characters, but I'm not sure of the setting. I think there is opportunity there for conflict and a hook, but I don't find either in the opening. I know novels can start out slower than short stories, but I feel I would be more interested in going on if there were action and dialog here, with the thoughts and information sprinkled throughout.
posted
I don't feel hooked either. I think the issue for me is in deciding why I should care. There doesn't seem to be anything unusual about the situation or the characters that draws me in and makes me care why there was no moment of decision, or what Adam decides to do about Francis's sticky fingers.
I shared lehollis's confusion about the first line, which seems to set up Adam as the pilferer.
I could do with a little more grounding, and maybe less analysis of the situation, which seemed pretty simple to me. What sort of store are they in? Why do they have to collect their bags? What age are they? Fantastical land or contemporary setting? Also, the details of Adam's stealing motion confused me--he's reaching into his pants? It sounds like he's about to pull something out. And then there's a large bulk under his sweater. How can he pull his sweater over it if it's already under his sweater? And how does it disappear in that action.
Also, I'd prefer some sharper emotional clarity or characterization. Right now, your characters feel to me faceless and generic. What makes them who they are? What makes them specific to this story and place? Sharpening this aspect would, in my opinion, help make me care about the characters. I'd prefer to see a glimpse of the characters' emotional conflict and tension, rather than just having it expounded.
posted
This takes some effort to read and sort out. Some of the sentences are convoluted and confusing - as has already been pointed out.
IMO this opening could be much improved through dialogue and gestures which could tell us much about the characters - without the author ever having to tell us what they thought/felt As it is, the story feels distant and flat.
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