As Aram walked down the dusty street, he stopped and took a left, entering a bazaar. Hunger is an all time high and he was used to stealing. It was necessity, and if the merchants did not want to give him food, then he would take it. Some merchants seceded, some did not. But in this world, you can not be soft, especially if you live on the streets. If you refused to fight, steal, and exploit for survival, then you would die in a matter of months, or weeks. So ever since he was six, abandoned and burning with the Arabian heat, Aram took the reins of his life and did everything and anything that he must do to survive. He had seen all the dark sides of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 20, 2007).]
posted
I once put this here. But that was a long time (and many drafts) ago. The story has changed, but now it is what I wanted it to be. However, the first 13 lines are pretty much the same. I'm actually looking for a critique of the first and second chapters, if anybody is willing. I must admit that is the reason for my posting of the story.
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quote:As Aram walked down the dusty street, he stopped and took a left, entering a bazaar.(Why not: Aram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. Why does he have to stop and turn--seems a bit robotic.) Hunger is (was) (an all time high) (commonplace)and (he was used to stealing)(Something more active -- 'but Aram didn't plan on going hungry, his hands were swift, etc.). (It was necessity, and -- cut) If the merchants did not want to give him food, then he would take it. Some merchants (seceded)(Unusual word -- cahnge to something simpler -- accepted this, etc.), some did not. (But in this world, you can not be soft, especially if you live on the streets)(It was hard life on the streets). If you (refused to) (didn't)fight, steal, and exploit (for survival-cut), then you would die in a matter of months, or (even)weeks. (So ever since he was six, abandoned and burning with the Arabian heat,) Aram took the reins of his life and did everything and anything (Abandoned at six, Aram had done everything and anything to survive./b](that he must do to survive--[b]cut). He had seen (all--cut) the dark side(s-cut) of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
Not real hook yet. He's hungry and has had a hard life. We know he is planning to steal something but it seems removed. Perhaps you should start with him spying an item he plans to steal. Then we could feel his anxiety building etc. It would be more hooky.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 21, 2007).]
posted
Hi Gibran. I have to agree with a lot of what skadder says. In my oppinion, this needs to be more active. My suggestion would be to show us what Aram is feeling and thinking. As a novel, you have plenty of time to show us he is living on the street and that hunger is commonplace.
I'll take a look at the chapters for you, if you're in no hurry for a reply.
posted
I'll be sure to change those errors. I seem to have trouble with the entrance. However, Aram has years stealing and hustling. There is no anxiety building in him, for he knows he will steal the apples. There are other reasons for his lack of anxiety too, but I do not want to reveal them here. I admit I put more attention to the rest of the body than this first paragraph.
[This message has been edited by Gibran (edited November 21, 2007).]
Aram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. As he walked near a fruit stand, the vendor eyed him warily. Well, that was fine. Aram knew he made an immediate urchin-looking sight. He was a skinny twenty-one-year-old with clothes too big for him and bags under his auburn eyes. His face was tight and stretched; black hair ruffled and dirty. Aram returned the stare, showing insult. The vendor then shrugged and continued what he was doing. It was an old, cheap trick. The vendor was pretending to be unwary, but his senses were searching, waiting for Aram’s move. That didn’t make any difference though; he would also play along. Aram began taking coins out of his pocket. The vendor looked up, an eagerness ignited in his eyes. Aram put the coins on the counter; the
Note from Kathleen:
If you select the edit icon (the little pencil and piece of paper icon which is the one on the right of the icons at the top of each post) and look at this post in the reply/edit text box, you should see that what I have left after cutting exactly fills the box.
The reply/edit text box has been set to hold exactly 13 lines of 12-point courier font (manuscript format) text.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 27, 2007).]
posted
[quote]Aram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. As he walked near a fruit stand, the vendor eyed him warily. Well, that was fine. Aram knew he made (an immediate urchin-looking sight)(urchin=10year old boy approx.Aram was older I thought. Try 'Aram knew how he must seem to the man'. Then follow with your description, which shows him as a starving street person.)[b]. He was a skinny twenty-one-year-old [b](not an urchin,then) with clothes too big for him and bags under his auburn(?) eyes. His face was tight and stretched; black hair ruffled and dirty. Aram returned the stare, (showing insult) (clunky). The vendor then shrugged and continued what he was doing. It was an old, cheap trick. (Aram knew that) The vendor (was pretending) (only pretended) to be unwary, but (really) (his senses were searching)(he remained keenly aware,) waiting for Aram’s move. That didn’t make any difference though; (he) (The vendor? -- Aram) would (also)(cut) play along. (He) (Aram--cut) began taking coins out of his pocket. The vendor looked up, (an eagerness ignited in his eyes)(clunky -- suddenly more interested or eagerly, etc) . Aram put the coins on the counter; the [quote]
Much better. But still needs some work. Try and opt for the simpler ways of saying things rather than the complicated version.
posted
You have a lot of extra words that sort of get in the way of the story telling. I think skadder did pretty well at pointing out those awkwardnesses. Here are a few more.
quote: Baghdad: 7/29/2056, 1:00pm
Aram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. As he walked near a fruit stand, the vendor eyed him warily. Well, that was fine. Aram knew he made an immediate urchin-looking sight.What's an "immediate urchin-looking sight"? For that matter, what's an "immediate sight"? He was a skinny twenty-one-year-old with clothes too big for him and bags under his auburn eyes. His face was tight and stretched Not sure what you mean--maybe the skin of his face?; black hair ruffled and dirty.A lot of description to slip in here when we haven't even gotten the story moving. Aram returned the stare, showing insult. The vendor then shrugged and continued what he was doing.Which was what, exactly? When we first meet the vendor he's already checking Aram out. It was an old, cheap trick. The vendor was pretending to be unwary, but his senses were searching This makes it sound like the vendor is using psi powers or something., waiting for Aram’s move. That didn’t make any difference though; he would also play along. Aram began taking coins out of his pocket. The vendor looked up, an eagerness ignited in his eyes. Aram put the coins on the counter; the
I like that Aram is involved in some action. I like his nonchalant attitude. I'm assuming that he does this sort of thing all the time, and he's lived on the streets his whole life.
What doesn't work for me is that there's no real hook here. I might give it a few pages, but I'd be looking for something to come up pretty soon.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 27, 2007).]
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