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This is the first 13 from my 90,000-word manuscript, The Sea of Serenity, which takes place on the Moon. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Dechert clenched his fists and watched the crumbled rim of Arago B pass beneath his boots. He checked his rate of descent and said a quiet prayer that Quarles wasn’t stoned when he calibrated the minijets controlling his fall from space. The crater floor loomed in shadow more than two kilometers below. Dechert focused on the view just now receding above the rim rock, of the vertical impact cliffs rising along the edges of Ritter and Sabine to the southwest, and the dull slope of crater Dionysus as its chalky walls gleamed in the receding sunlight. His breathing grew heavy as he fell into darkness. “You’re looking good, boss,” Quarles said into his helmet. “Jets are firing in synch and you’re at two meters per second, angle of attack sixty-eight degrees. You got your lamps on?”
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It's pretty good, though it sounds like he's flying. Is he in a spacecraft/suit or is he like Superman?
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Thanks very much for the feedback. He is flying, but he's not a superhero.
He's testing a prototype jetsuit - basically a spacesuit fitted with vectoring thrusters, which will allow astronauts to "bounce" over the surface of the Moon in three or four-kilometer hops.
This becomes more apparent as the chapter moves forward, but maybe it is a little confusing at the beginning?
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I liked this opening--I would read on. I had a little trouble picturing a few things, though. If it's in darkness, why can he see landmarks? Also, it was a little thick on names for my taste. I'm not familiar with Moon geography, so it's all just foreign names to me. Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Thanks for taking a look, Annepin. I can see how the description of darkness and light can be confusing.
The character is leaping into the crater, slowly falling into the darkness. When the sun is setting on the Moon, crater floors are in full shadow, but the surface of the Moon remains illuminated. I'll work on that and take a look at naming all the craters as well. After hearing your feedback, it does seem like I was just throwing names out there to prove I've studied a Lunar map.
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I had a bit of trouble figuring out what was going on. I've inserted what I was imagining as I read your piece so that you can see where I was having troubles.
quote:Dechert clenched his fists and watched the crumbled rim of Arago B pass beneath his boots.Okay, so he's mad or fearful about something (clenched fists) and he's walking on the rim of something--a crater?--causing it to crumble. He checked his rate of descent and said a quiet prayer that Quarles wasn’t stoned when he calibrated the minijets controlling his fall from space.Oh, wait, I must have mis-read that first sentence. He's jumped from a higher spot, maybe a space ship, and is controling his decent using jets. The rim of the crater was already crumbled and he's looking down to see that. Okay. The crater floor loomed in shadow more than two kilometers below. Okay, clear enough. The sunlight is coming in at an angle so the crater floor is in shadow. Dechert focused on the view just now receding above the rim rock I thought he was looking down past his feet. Is he changing focus or did I understand something wrong? And how can he focus on something that is just now slipping out of his view?, of the vertical impact cliffs rising along the edges of Ritter and Sabine to the southwest, and the dull slope of crater Dionysus as its chalky walls gleamed in the receding sunlight.Sounds to me more like he's looking around rather than focusing (looking intently) at anything. If he really is studying these scenes for some reason, then why? His breathing grew heavy as he fell into darkness.Is he passing out? “You’re looking good, boss,”No, I guess not. I guess he's now in the shadow of the crater. Quarles said into his helmet. There's someone else with him? If Quarles is speaking into his (Quarle's) helmet, how can Dechert know what Quarles is saying? Or are they pressing helmets together? Or what? “Jets are firing in synch and you’re at two meters per second, angle of attack sixty-eight degrees. You got your lamps on?”Oh, is this Quarles back at the spaceship that Dechert jumped from?
Clearing things up for me would be pretty easy. Just move some of your information up to where I'm asking my questions so that I don't have to constantly be pausing to figure out what's going on and re-imagining it. I hope this was helpful.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited December 11, 2007).]
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I like it! and its an intriquing concept too. the only thing i would really change is when you mention Quarles could be 'stoned'. it through me a bit and makes me think that pot use is common on the moon? that kind of thing. you could introduce that later once the 'normal' is established. you could sau he hopped Quarles was 'awake' or 'paying attention'. that flows better and its a bigger reveal later if he does do drugs. But otherwise that would be a book i'd pick to publish! Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Thanks for the feedback DebbieKW and sphinxsphere. I'll try to be more clear up-front about what exactly is happening to Dechert, but I do want to maintain a sense of uncertainty and tension in the moment.
And sphinxsphere, you're absolutely correct. The "stoned" part was misplaced, and should be later in the story. I appreciate it!
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The sense of uncertainty is hurting you, IMHO, rather than helping. Tell me up front what he's doing. The tension is going to be there anyway - will this work or will he get splattered? If you clarify what he's doing you'll have me hooked because I'll know what the sakes are for Dechert and where the heck he is.
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