Entering orbit near Ranyk’s starship, the courier drone initiated its signal, emitting the most distressing and life-changing words Ranyk would ever hear. But the drone had traveled hundreds of light-years to be completely unnoticed. A swarm of projectiles banged like hail against Ranyk's hull. He did a double take at his aft viewer as he piloted evasively. “A freightship from the China-Mars Delegation? Who uses those anymore? Even if they weren’t shooting at me this would be suspicious.”
posted
I'm going to make a quick suggestion to you Trav - give this first 13 a rest and work on the rest of your story. You posted this under novels, and mentioned that you've only got 70 or so pages. If you're going to finish your novel, you're going to have a fair ways to go to finish. Over-focusing on the first thirteen to the detriment of either the quality or completion of your novel isn't good. What you've got so far is pretty good. Take that and what you've learned from the five revisions of your first thirteen and go improve the rest of your writing.
All of the hard work you'll put into the first page won't mean a thing if you can't finish the last page. Go work on getting to that.
posted
Tiergan, M-E, bandgeek, nitewriter, MrsB, and IB; thank you for your feedback. It has been a great exercise in moving hooks to the beginning of the story and getting them closer to the quality of the rest of my writing. I apologize if my enthusiasm and perfectionism have crossed a threshold of tolerability.
[This message has been edited by Trav (edited May 02, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Trav (edited May 02, 2008).]
posted
Trav, my advice has little to do with your enthusiasm and perfectionism crossing any kind of threshold of tolerability. Your first 13 has shown marked improvement from version to version. There is a tendency to over-focus on the first thirteen though - a tendency we all share from time to time. I was just trying to offer some friendly advice, that from my own experience the rest of the book is every bit as important as the first thirteen. Even more so, since a perfectly crafted first thirteen will never actually sell unless it is attached to a completed piece of writing.
By all means, keep working on this passage and requesting critiques until you (and the critiquers) are happy with it. Don't let me stand in your way.
posted
I did the same thing when I started here, putzing around with my first 13, but when I continued writing the story, it became clear that my beginning needed a complete re-write.
Also I received a great critique on my first couple of chapters. It showed me stuff to watch for when I'm writing. I started making the item-by-item changes, and stopped when I realized my story needed another re-write.
Now I try to just make notes about what to fix and keep going. Its tough, but I care more about the story; I'll polish (and learn to polish) later.
Do whatever works for you. If your focus is improving your craft, and you're not concerned with getting this story out, play away. If your goal is to tell this particular story, I agree with Wolfe-boy.
posted
You have a couple of potentially good hooks here, but they are a bit flat.
What were those “distressing and life-changing words”? You left me hanging, because I get the impression that he will hear them later. If he didn’t notice the drone, why talk about it first? It sounds like you should start with the swarm of projectiles.
POV: Ranyk would hear the sounds (hail) before he looked to see what they were (projectiles). Unless he knows from the sound, that they must be projectiles of some kind; it’s not clear. Its doubtful he would think of himself as doing a “double-take”.
Is he talking? To whom? It would help to break the dialog with a beat (or tag) after the second question. The dialogue slows the action a bit, making it sounds like he’s not that worried about being shot at. But maybe that’s the point, with an old-fashioned freight ship after him. It could even be humorous, but the word “suspicious” make me think you’re going more for tension.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 02, 2008).]
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