posted
This is my first attempt at a novel. It is sci-fi, and this is the start of the introduction which is intentionally cryptic. I designed it so that a brief (a page and a half) explanation would slowly be revealed corresponding with the actions of the "the attendant" who is formally introduced in chapter one. Please let me know if it works or if I should simply abandon my introduction (this would be very hard for me). My style is unique in that I layer everything I write in multiple meanings - even titles.
Introduction: Genesis Undone – An Apocalypse
Arising from life’s fertile garden, there is a microcosm where the seeds of change dance within a rose-colored sphere. The attendant’s eyes peered down into the hollow darkness, his essence plummeting with a viscerally unsettling decent, deep into these bowels of creation. In his journey he had sought to unearth secrets beyond the scope of mortal eyes. Now, as his quest was finally coming to fruition, he was on the verge of forever changing this magnificent garden at life’s girded core...
There is a garden within each of us. All of the physical properties that make up ones being, the organs, bones, sinews, and skin, grow from within this rich soil like a tree with its branches reaching for the sky and its roots digging deep down
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 01, 2008).]
The combination of visceral and unsettling seemed incongruous to me because visceral is such a strong word and unsettling implies a mildness.
Is the description in the beginning of the attendants actions italicized/ a prologue or what is the indication that we are entering into a descriptive phase. It felt slightly disjointed.
However, I greatly enjoyed the attendants imagery. It was very interesting watching what he was doing from that perspective.
I agree with you about the use of "visceral" - I wasn't sure if I could use it as a stand-alone adjective with "decent." I was trying to imply the feeling one has going down the hill of a roller coaster. If anyone knows please chime in.
- I have the descriptive text set apart using spacing.
quote: Arising from life’s fertile garden, there is a microcosm where the seeds of change dance within a rose-colored sphere. The attendant’s eyes peer[ed<--[Changes from present tense to past-tense] down into the hollow darkness, his essence plummeting with a viscerally unsettling decent, deep into [these<--[Are you changing tense again, mid-sentence?] bowels of creation. In his [His who?] journey he had sought to unearth secrets[What secrets? If he's seeking them, he knows what they are?] beyond the scope of mortal eyes. Now, as his quest was finally coming to fruition, he was on the verge of forever changing this magnificent garden at life’s girded core...
There [is<--[Changes tense again, and begins to sound lecture-y--which cancels what little immersion you had.] a garden within each of [us<--[Reinforces that I'm being "told" a story.]. All of the physical properties that make up one[']s being[:] the organs, bones, sinews, and skin, grow from within this rich soil like a tree with its branches reaching for the sky and its roots digging deep down
1) I don't have a character to associate with; to follow through the story.
2) Tense shifting eliminates me as a reader because I lose trust in your abilities as a writer to stick to one format--which also disrupts the immersion into the story.
3) The beginning is an info-dump (some of which--telling us what we're made of--is redundant).
4) No hook. Since I don't have anyone to care about, there's no sense of jeopardyI wouldn't continue. Your prose is weakened by adjectives, adverbs and some grammar problems, resulting in disjointed story-telling whic cancels out the milieu as a hook.
If you have a protagonist (Main Character/MC) I'd suggest starting with her/him, and giving us the info as relevant to him/her in his/her PoV. This Omniscient usage doesn't work for me.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 03, 2008).]
posted
IB - thanks for the feedback. I was aware of the problem with the tense change at the opening, which speaks poorly in regards to my willingness to do it anyway, but I was combining a stand-alone italicized sentence with the next paragraph. In my haste, "these" was changed in the process. I know - who cares why - right?
All that said and done, I am going to revise this (relocating "The attendant's..." elsewhere with his name attached), but I have a few questions. Is it etiquette to address these here or in Open Discussions about Writing?
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 04, 2008).]
posted
I really enjoyed this. I'm going against the grain here, but I prefer poetic and literary styles and omniscient viewpoints, so I found this very appealing and I would definitely continue reading.
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