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Author Topic: untitled First 13 - Fantasy
jkhodgepodge
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This is the first 13 of my incomplete fantasy novel, around 40k words. I hope it isn't too much, these are actually the first 12 on my document. I'd like for you all to post whatever you think about the piece so I can make it better

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Dull moonlight filtered through the canopy of trees, while a light drizzle managed to find the forest floor, landing gently on a crackling fire. Two figures clung to the edge of the fire, trying to keep warm in the chilly night.
Pungent smoke mingled with the sweet aroma of vegetable stew. Taise wrinkled her nose wishing she had had time to find better wood for the fire before night fall. She glanced across the fire at her mother who was trying to appear more occupied than she really was. By the long lines creasing her forehead, Taise knew her mother was already irritated. Taise also knew she would have to try one last time, for at dawn, their journey together would draw to a close.


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C L Lynn
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Your first line is lovely. Nice images. Nice ambiance. But, as a reader, "two figures" bugs me. Why not just say who or what they are since we've got to know now or later anyway?

My next concern is one of organization. You mention the two figures, which I immediately expect more info on, but next you describe a stew. Then immediately following this, Taise wrinkles her nose, which causes me to assume the stew stinks, but the rest of the sentence isn't about stew but about firewood - so why is Taise wrinkling her cute nose?

Next, the phrase "trying to appear more occupied than she really was" tells me nothing useful, nor does it continue to paint the lovely pictures you've established so far. I suggest making mother's actions more specific. Even lack of occupation looks like something.

Lastly, the phrases "already irritated" and "try one last time" serve only to frustrate me. I understand the concept of trying to draw the reader with these little mysteries, but there's a fine balance between an intriguing hint and vague frustrating information - or the lack thereof. I'd much rather know why Mom's irritated, to continue building her character and the scene, and perhaps receive the hint at "try one last time." To "try convincing her one last time" or "try the ritual one last time," whatever the case may be, might serve to keep me reading a little longer.

However, I worry when a writer puts out the first thirteen of a novel they haven't completed yet. Please, finish the rough draft before you get too caught up in editing and rewriting. Editing isn't vital right now, finishing is. But I'm glad I got a glimpse of your writing. It shows promise.


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MrsBrown
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Congratulations on 40k! I occasionally ask for a crit to get a feel for how I’m doing. It helps me hone my skills, see where I’ve improved and where I need to pay more attention. The danger is to make a habit of tweaking and re-writing instead of getting the story down.

Nice story elements here, and I like the tension. With some tweaks, I would read on.

“Two figures” sounds cinematic. I’d rather start out inside someone’s point-of-view (POV). Unless the POV character is watching the “two figures” Also I think you mention “fire” to often.

My suggestions are [text to cut] and text to insert. (I have a bad habit of falling into the same sentence rhythm.)

Dull moonlight filtered through the canopy of trees, while a light drizzle fell to [managed to find] the forest floor[, landing gently on a crackling fire]. [Two figures] Taise clung to the edge of [the] a crackling fire, trying to keep warm in the chilly night.

Pungent smoke mingled with the sweet aroma of vegetable stew. Taise [wrinkled her nose wishing] wished she had [had] time to find more wood [better wood for the fire] before night[ ]fall. She glanced across the fire at her mother, who picked at her sewing/stared off into space/etc. [was trying to appear more occupied than she really was]. By the [long] lines creasing her forehead, Taise knew [her mother] Mama? was already irritated. Taise also knew she would have to try what? one last time, for at dawn, their journey together would draw to a close.

“long lines” made me think of sorrow, not irritation. I really want to know what she has to “try” … it feels incomplete.

The "had had" jumped out at me. Either elimnate one (its not quite nightfall yet) or say something like "wished she had found more...".

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 10, 2008).]


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SolarStone
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Listen to Mrs. Brown on this one b/c she nailed it.
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jkhodgepodge
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Sorry for the delay in getting back. Ike has put me behind. Thanks so much for your input. A few of the things I saw, like the 'fire' usage, but no one else agreed with me

I will definitely change most of it. As far as Taise trying again, she does so in the actual 13th line, but only partially so I didn't include it. She wants to end the journey and go home. The mother is irritated because Taise is too young to understand they can't turn around and sad because at the end of the journey Taise will be leaving her. I could still re-write portions of it so it will be a little clearer. The 'irritated' and 'trying' wasn't meant to frustrate and is cleared up in the next paragraph.

I understand the hesitancy of critiquing something that isn't finished. I also understand many writers complete a manuscript then go back and fix everything. It just works better for me to get the chapter 80% done then go on to the next. I know where I'm going, but getting there is still surprising sometimes.

Thanks again for your time and great advice.


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