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I pulled the last thing out of my closet, folded it and placed it in the already overfull suitcase. Looking down at the garment beneath my hand, I laughed a little. It seemed fitting that it should be the shirt Lyddie gave me last Christmas, the one that caused so much trouble between us. Still touching the shirt I thought back to the fight, which now seemed so insignificant, a sisterly spat quickly made up, in light of all that passed since: my parents’s divorce, my brother’s death, Nate’s stint in rehab (although Lyddie wouldn’t know much about that since Nate was my boyfriend, not hers) and the way in which my world view changed almost completely since then. I wondered what the girl I was then would think of the girl I was now, so open to life, brave, bold leaving for a college . . .
Totally new first 13 of Beth
I slid into my place at the dinner table and looked at Kyle’s seat. There was no place setting in front of it, just as there hadn't been the last week and a half. My dad, noticing my look, asked the table in general, "Kyle not eating tonight?"
“Kyle called earlier. He’s at a friend’s and won’t be home in time for dinner.” My mom said.
I flicked a glance at Lyddie. She shook her head, once quickly and then looked down at her plate. I knew Mom was lying even without Lyddie’s confirmation. Just another in the litany of excuses my mom concocted to cover Kyle’s increasingly long and frequent absences. I knew my dad knew it too. I also knew they’d fight about it later tonight behind closed doors.
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited October 06, 2008).]
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I am confused as to why Beth finds the garment humorous, given its attachment to such hardships in her life. I understand what the purpose of the laugh is, but maybe a gasp would fit better? Also, I don't want to assume anything, but the way it is worded makes it sound like the shirt is what caused the trouble, not Christmas. Is that right?
The fourth sentence should be split up and reworded. For example, remove "a sisterly spat quickly made up", since I think it throws off the flow and it's superfluous. Also, I feel bombarded by the background story. I think Beth, the shirt or last Christmas, and the fight should be the only focal points.
I find it interesting enough to critique the entire first chapter, if you like.
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Let me preface my comments by saying that I don't like ChickLit, but I am a SciFi guy, and as such I know an info dump when I see one. My head is spinning. If the POV character had a relationship meltdown that the story will revolve around I want to be there for the fight. If it happens in a flashback I'll gag. Gag! Why? Because no matter how well written it is it just won't matter. Why? Because I already know how things turn out to a great extent and therefore the sense of immediacy is ruined. It’s like a guy remembering how he almost fell off a cliff. He’s alive to tell the story so…what? Ditto for the 'entire worldview shifting' thing. I want to experience that through the POV character. The growth and changes in a character throughout a story is what great literature is all about. I suspect you might do that in flashback or by mere suggestion---in other words telling and not showing---because you don't feel like you can pull it off. If I'm wrong, forgive me, I don't know you, but I know myself and when I start telling and not showing it's usually because I don't feel like I'll be able to pull off the exposition the way I want to...so I attempt to skip it. But I can't just skip it because I know the story will suffer or feel hollow. So I attempt to cheat.
Show us, don't tell us. Maybe start with the fight?
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Kevin douglas and solar stone thanks for your critiques. KD yes the fight was about the shirt not Christmas. Sounds like you both agree about the information dump and I was thinking that also when I posted it last night. Here's the problem I'm having. I didn't read OSC's advice about openings until yesterday and I'm roughly 130,000 words into my novel (really close to being done and ready to start the first rewrite and edit actually). After I read OSC's advice it made me scared to rework the opening afraid if I do it will screw up the roughly 100,000 words that come after. The original opening of my story isn't very interesting. It starts in the calm before the storm, so the reader has an idea of what Beth's life is like before all this stuff goes down. Last night I just decided, 'hey I'll add a new opening by starting at the end and then go back to the first' which according to Solar Stone is a bad idea Frankly, I'm at a loss and 130,000 words in may be too late to ask for advice, but any help anyone could offer would be great. KD I would definitely appreciate it if you read the first chapter and tell me what you think. How should I send it to you?
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited October 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited October 03, 2008).]
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PS Solar Stone, the whole book is about Beth's world view shifting, so I do show that at length (or am attempting to) Like I said, just really struggling with the opening based on OSC's advice. Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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I like LDS chick lit. You can send me the first chapter if you would like, or as much as you want. Do whatever you feel is best for you begining. At over 100000 words, you definitily know your story, and if that is were it starts for you, than that is awesome. IMHO. ~Sheena
Posts: 1201 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Sheena, Thanks so much for your feedback. I've been struggling with this over the past few days and I realized that the story is about the family and I should start with them. Taking this into account I realized my best starting point is actually a few chapters into the book, so I got rid of the intervening chapters and voila, new starting point. I like it and I think it works. I made the mistake of putting the revised (or totally new beginning) into another thread rather than posting it in this one, so if you could read that and tell me what you think I'd appreciate it. I'd love to send you the first few chapters. I'm just not sure how I do that on here. Do I email them to you? Please let me know.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Angfla, you can post the revised 13 lines here and I'll delete the other topic.
In answer to your other question, if someone wants to see more than the first 13 lines, you email it to them. You can find a person's email address by clicking on the middle of the three icons next to each post's date and time (at the top of each post). The left icon (ear with question mark) shows you the person's profile. The right icon (pencil and paper) is the edit icon (you can use it on your own posts to edit what you posted, or you can use it on someone else's post to see how they did fancy things like quote boxes and italics). The middle icon (envelope) takes you to a page that gives you the email address of the person who made the post.
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Kathleen, Thanks so much for all your help. I did post the revised (actually totally new) 13 of Beth in this thread, so feel free to delete the other and thanks for the pointers on how to send people stuff. I should have poked around a little more and probably could have figured it out on my own. Thanks again.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Frankly, I'm at a loss and 130,000 words in may be too late to ask for advice, but any help anyone could offer would be great. KD I would definitely appreciate it if you read the first chapter and tell me what you think. How should I send it to you?
