I'm still editing the second half of the book but it should settle around 110K Fantasty.
I'll post the 1st 13 in a minute too.
Query:
Falcon, the disinherited princess of Tarishah, has no intention of meeting the terms to regain the throne. Saved from the burdens of royalty, she’s content as the agent of a foreign sovereign. The decision comes with a price. Mordent, the exiled mage king of warrior kingdom, uses his position as the Tarish Administrator to plunder its resources to save his realm. Seeking legitimacy to his rule, Mordent courts Falcon with romance and a bit of magical persuasion, which seduction ends in armed confrontation. A near fatal wound unlocks Falcon’s mage potential. But is it too late to save her people? Through a maze of intrigue, sorcery and dual identities, Falcon must make the most difficult decision of her life—and hope there is time enough to succeed. To prevent Mordent from destroying her people, she must lead a rebellion against the king she serves and take by force the very responsibility she’s tried so hard to avoid.
posted
The story sounds very interesting; this description entices me to read it. Well done! I especially like the first two sentences and the second paragraph.
I don’t know the usual wisdom on queries, so take my comments as uneducated. For example: What price? I expected some specific, current condition, not the eventual consequences, when you used that word. But I think its okay.
I am confused about Mordent’s political status and goals. He is the “foreign sovereign” for whom Falcon works. He’s an exiled king of a warrior kingdom (name?), working in a different kingdom (Tarish) in a powerful position. He steals resources from Tarish to help his own country. He wants to rule his own country, but needs legitimacy (so he’s not an acting king). Am I right so far? But then you refer to it as “his rule” as though he IS that other country’s ruler now. Why is he exiled? Then later you say that to counter Mordent, Falcon must lead a rebellion against the king she serves; is that Mordent? I thought he is an administrator? Or does she serve Mordent as the king of that other country? Or is the rebellion against the king of Tarish (not Mordent)? Does the leadership of Tarish not know about his aspirations? Why would they let him into this role in the first place? I know you don’t want to go into all that here. Come to think of it, it seems you may have done pretty well stating the minimum of what is required to summarize the story. If I have questions, I can read the book…
Two suggestions: Her decision comes with a price. Mordent, the exiled mage king of a warrior kingdom
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited December 12, 2008).]
posted
Falcon has no desire to meet the requirements for her ascension to the throne of Tarishah. Instead, she is more than content with her work as a secret agent for her friend Queeen Sabryna of ________. She pays a hefty price for her freedom, Mordent, the exiled king of ______, uses his appointed postion of Tarishah administrator to plunder her kingdom's resources to save his realm. Hoping to legitimize his claim to her throne, he courts her with romance and magical persuasion. ( I love this!) The seduction ends badly with naked blades being drawn. When a near fatal wound unlocks Falcon's mage potential, Falcon wonders if it is too late to save her people. Through a sorcerous maze of double identities and court intrigue, Falcon finds herself at a crossroads. To help her people she finds herself leading a rebellion against the king she serves to take by force the throne she so happily left behind.
Question that I have thus far...
So Mordent knows the true of identity of Falcon?
Does the near fatal wound occur during the seduction?
I've been trying to keep all the names out of it and still keep it clear. Mordent works for the king (Jurriaan) Falcon serves. So, yes, Mordent's working in a different country. Yes, he knows Falcon's true identity. Yes, the wound occurs during the civil war which is after the seduction ends.
Let me try another tweak tonight to see if I can clarify Mordent's status.
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