Vatar could not contain his elation. A joyful whoop escaped his lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! This time, they were going to succeed.

Torkaz returned his grin. He was confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Fenar reflected their joy. He was the youngest of the boys by more than a year. But he would go anywhere they went, especially anywhere his older brother, Vatar, went.

As they got farther from the herd, Torkaz took the lead, as usual. He led them in a wide arc that would bring them back to the river well beyond the sight of the herdsmen. Torkaz was the oldest of the boys by almost a month.

I really think this is the beginning point of the story. I can move it a little backward, to show them planning. I can't move it very much forward. Something pivotal is about to happen.

But I might not have to move it at all. Just stay with the main character and bring in his companions a little more slowly.

I have an idea that just struck. How's this:

Vatar could not contain his elation. A joyful whoop escaped his lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! This time, they were going to succeed.

Torkaz returned his grin, confident, as always, that his plan would work.

In his joy, Vatar leaned forward, urging his horse to go faster. Torkaz and Fenar recognized the challenge to a race. Soon the three boys were galloping across the open grassland. But Vatar did not keep the lead for long.

Vatar would never be able to outrace his younger brother. Fenar was by far the best horseman of the three. He leaned forward until he was lying along his horse’s neck

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 11, 2009).]

quote:

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Vatar could not contain his elation. A joyful whoop escaped his lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! This time, they were going to succeed.

---

So far so good. I'm not sure I like the exclamation point, but its not a big deal, and more a personal preference.

quote:

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Torkaz returned his grin. He was confident, as always, that his plan would work.

---

Nothing I can see to correct here.

quote:

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Fenar reflected their joy. He was the youngest of the boys by more than a year. But he would go anywhere they went, especially anywhere his older brother, Vatar, went.

---

I don't really like the last sentence here. The commas around Vatar's name made me feel I was pausing too much. Not a big deal really, and again, probably just personal preference.

quote:

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As they got farther from the herd, Torkaz took the lead, as usual. He led them in a wide arc that would bring them back to the river well beyond the sight of the herdsmen. Torkaz was the oldest of the boys by almost a month.

---

Once again, very good.

Sorry I don't have too much to comment on. It was really good I felt.

The main complaint I had has already been addressed. Its a lot of characters to learn about at once. I would probably find myself, later in the passage, confused as to which character was which. If possible, I would recommend easing one of the non-essential characters in at a slightly later point in time.

All in all, though, very good. It really makes me wonder what is going to happen, while simultaneously making me wonder what already has happened.

Unfortunately, there are no less essential characters for this chapter. Fortunately, though, there are only these three characters in the first chapter. Hopefully, that makes it a little easier.