posted
Hey, i just joined, and I am really looking forward to working with all of you. I have been spending some time reading first 13's and all of your comments to start learning the process and what sort of criticisms i should start trying to give myself. I thought it would help me to put up my first thirteen myself, and see what it was like to get crtiqued and the process of editing and fixing.
This is a supernatural story, and i took Stephen Kings advice from On Writing when he said pick a character and then just go, so i picked Emma Gray, an 18 year old girl who died in 1941. The story takes place in present day. Let me know if i am doing it right, and how i can fix it. Thanx all! I hope i can help you too!
This was her favorite time of day. She didn't know anyone else who felt this way; human interaction wasn't a popular past-time for the rest of her kind. She supposed it made them feel uncomfotable, reminded them of all the things they had lost, but it always made her feel just a little bit more whole. It was only the children who could see her, so it was playtime in the park that drew her out. She would sit and watch them run and laugh together, all different sizes and shapes, and sometimes one would wonder close enough to notice her. Even the slightest of recognitions would make her day. This afternoon was better than usual. A small girl with bright red hair had toddled over to her only moments after she had settled in at the edge of the playground and held out her hand.
posted
hi amelia one thing on your 13 lines that helps is if you keep in mind that an editor won't have the benefit of your explanation of what the story is about///therefore if you can show what is going to happen and set things up in your first 13 lines/// you will have more of a chance to hook their interest///now with that in mind///
quote: human interaction wasn't a popular past-time for the rest of her kind
this is both good and hooky for me///the following sentences are a little too detailed to give me a sense of what is really going on//// without the benefit of your Steven King blurb I might feel a bit lost at this point and wonder just what it is that I should be caring about/// for me to care for your ghostie/// if I knew more about "her" than about her surroundings I just might care more I might not read on at this point/// hope this helps and as always/// the more opinions you get leading in a certain direction the better
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Rob Roy
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posted
quote:This was her favorite time of day. She didn't know anyone else who felt this way; human interaction wasn't a popular past-time for the rest of her kind.
I think the word you want is pastime.
quote:She supposed it made them feel uncomfotable,
Uncomfortable?
quote:reminded them of all the things they had lost, but it always made her feel just a little bit more whole. It was only the children who could see her, so it was playtime in the park that drew her out. She would sit and watch them run and laugh together, all different sizes and shapes, and sometimes one would wonder
Or wander?
quote:close enough to notice her. Even the slightest of recognitions would make her day. This afternoon was better than usual. A small girl with bright red hair had toddled over to her only moments after she had settled in at the edge of the playground and held out her hand.
Overall, a nice piece of writing. Watch for the little infelicities; they turn editors and agents off like a light switch.
Apart from that, the only real issue is that you've tipped your hand. I'm intrigued because I already know it's a ghost story; would I know that from the first 13, or would it just breeze past me?
posted
I skimmed the rest of the post and just read the first 13, and still figured out that it was a ghost story, so I think it was all right. "human interaction" - okay, so she's not human. "reminded them of all the things they had lost" - okay, so she's close to humanity but separated in spirit. "only the children who could see her" - okay, she's probably a ghost.
"sometimes one would wonder close enough to notice her." I think you mean "wander".
I wanted to know more about her as a person. How old is (was?) she? What does she look like? What's her background? So after "close enough to notice her." instead of going into details about the slightest of recognitions, which I can already picture and extrapolate in my mind from reading the first part, I wanted to find out something new about her.
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one thing on your 13 lines that helps is if you keep in mind that an editor won't have the benefit of your explanation of what the story is about///therefore if you can show what is going to happen and set things up in your first 13 lines/// you will have more of a chance to hook their interest///now with that in mind/// 
