Elizabeth Anne Baeker is a Mormon girl who has lived all fifteen years of her life in a small LDS community. Despite her parents’ frequent arguments and Beth’s looming worry over her older brother Kyle’s absences from home, Beth’s life is good. She has her faith, her three best friends and her books. And things only get better when she meets dark eyed, smart mouthed Nathaniel Galvie, whose indifference to all things sports related makes Beth believe she’s met a kindred spirit.

Shortly after meeting Nate, Beth is confronted with undeniable proof of her brother’s alcoholism. Her parents’ struggling marriage is pushed to the breaking point by Kyle’s drinking and Beth’s sister Lyddie is driven from home by her bitterness at their mother over their parents’ separation.

Beth clings to her friends, her budding relationship with Nate and her faith in an effort to maintain equilibrium in a world gone mad. However, Beth, her family and her friends, including Nate, make choices and changes that force Beth to take a second look at the religion and her faith in it which provides the bedrock of her life. Up close, all she sees is fissures and cracks. This leads Beth to wonder if the answers can really be found in the simple world of good and bad, right and wrong or if what’s she looking for is somewhere in the space between black and white.

Okay round two

Synopsis

BETH BAEKER knows, as a Mormon, there are a lot of rules to follow. Along with the Big Ten there’s also ‘don’t drink’ (I hear KYLE BAEKER drinks like a fish.). ‘Don’t have premarital sex’ ( LYDDIE BAEKER moved in with her boyfriend!). ‘Don’t date before sixteen’ (I hope Beth Baeker and NATE GALVIE aren’t dating. They’re not old enough yet.). With all the rules, it’s hard to be good, but Beth’s mother insists on presenting a perfect façade to the prying eyes of their town even when the Baekers’ world is falling apart.

Beth upholds the pretense, but she wants to find some real happiness. She knows to do that she must live by the tenets of her faith. So she does, until she lies to hide her brother’s drinking. When he dies, Beth believes it’s her fault.

To reperate, Beth inundates herself in her religion, but she’s miserable and confused because her sister Lyddie finds happiness ‘living in sin’ and only after leaving the Church, does Beth’s mother finally make peace with herself.

Beth decides she’s miserable because she hasn’t done enough to make amends for her brother’s death. When she finds out Nate is using drugs, Beth thinks it’s her chance to atone and after saving Nate she’ll be forgiven. Then, Beth will finally find her happiness.

Beth fails to save Nate and decides to commit suicide. During her suicide attempt, Beth realizes that just as it was up to Kyle and Nate to take responsibility for themselves, if Beth doesn’t want to die she has to save herself. Beth survives, but she is far from alright and knows she must make a change. She looks at the lives of those who have left her faith and realizes that, like them, her own happiness isn’t to be found in the world of right and wrong, black and white, but somewhere in between.

Presenting . . . Attempt #3 (... is shorthand for 'drumroll please')

BETH BAEKER knows, as a Mormon, there are a lot of rules and a lot of neighborhood gossips watching to see if the Baeker family slips up in observing those rules. Along with the Big Ten there’s also ‘don’t drink’ (I hear KYLE BAEKER’s in rehab for alcoholism.). ‘Don’t have premarital sex’ (LYDDIE BAEKER moved in with her boyfriend!). ‘Don’t date before sixteen’ (Beth Baeker and NATE GALVIE can’t be dating. She’s only fifteen.). With all the rules it’s hard to be good, but, because of prying eyes, Beth’s mother insists on a perfect façade even when the Baekers’ world is falling apart. Beth upholds the pretense, but wants to find some real happiness. She knows to do that she must follow the tenets of her faith. And she does, until she lies to hide her brother’s drinking. When he dies, Beth believes it’s her fault.

In reparation, Beth inundates herself in her religion, but, unlike her father who finds comfort in their faith, Beth is miserable. She’s also confused because her sister attains happiness ‘living in sin’ and only after leaving the Church does Beth’s mother finally give up her rabid pursuit of perfection and make peace with herself.

Beth thinks happiness is eluding her because she hasn’t made full amends for her brother’s death. When she finds out Nate is using drugs, Beth thinks it’s her chance to atone and after saving Nate she’ll be forgiven. Then, Beth will finally find her happiness.

Beth fails to save Nate and, in the numb grip of despair, sees suicide as her only option. With a razor in her wrist, Beth finally realizes just as it’s up to her to save herself, Kyle and Nate were responsible for the choices they made. Beth survives her suicide attempt, but knows she must make a change. She begins to look at the lives of those who have left her faith and realizes that, like them, her happiness isn’t to be found in the world of good and bad, black and white, but somewhere in between.

Should have saved the drumroll. Attempt number 4

As a Mormon, BETH BAEKER knows that along with the Big Ten there are a lot of rules to follow such as ‘don’t drink’, ‘don’t have premarital sex’ and don’t date before sixteen’. Beth also knows the neighborhood gossips are just waiting to hash over any slip up. As her family struggles Beth can almost hear them: ‘did you know KYLE BAEKER’s in rehab for alcoholism?’ and ‘well, I hear LYDDIE BAEKER moved in with her boyfriend!’ and don’t forget ‘Beth Baeker and NATE GALVIE can’t be dating. She’s only fifteen.’

With all the rules it’s hard to be good, but, because of prying eyes, Beth’s mother insists on a perfect façade even when the Baekers’ world is falling apart. Beth upholds the pretense, but wants to find some real happiness. She knows to do that she must follow the tenets of her faith. She does, until she lies to hide her brother’s drinking. When he dies, Beth thinks it’s her fault.

In reparation, Beth inundates herself in her religion, but, unlike her father who finds comfort in their faith, Beth is miserable. She’s also confused because her sister attains happiness ‘living in sin’ and only after leaving the Church does Beth’s mother finally make peace with herself.

Beth thinks happiness is eluding her because she hasn’t made full amends for her brother’s death. When she finds out Nate is using drugs, Beth thinks it’s her chance to atone and after saving Nate she’ll be forgiven. Then, Beth will finally find her happiness.

Beth fails to save Nate and, in the numb grip of despair, sees suicide as her only option. With a razor in her wrist, Beth finally realizes just as it’s up to her to save herself, Kyle and Nate were responsible for the choices they made. Beth survives her suicide attempt, but knows she must make a change. She begins to look at the lives of those who have left her faith and realizes that, like them, her happiness isn’t to be found in the world of good and bad, black and white, but somewhere in between.

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited March 05, 2009).]

I'm with you: I hate writing synopses. But what all the sources are unanimous about is that they're supposed to be "spoilers" rather than "teasers." Editors just get annoyed when a synopsis tries to hold out some mystery. Their purpose is not to make anyone want to "read more," it's to enable the editor to correctly classify the piece as to genre and audience. IOW, if the MC is about to have her life changed by an encounter with a Rigelian Skyfish, then don't hold out on the synopsis. You've set up the conflict: tell them how it gets resolved. Nothing in detail, just the main points.

Having said that, I'm about to contradict myself: editors also, rightly or wrongly, will form at least a preliminary judgement of your writing ability from your synopsis. It may not be fair, but it's real. So write it well and do your best to make it interesting.

So far this looks like a "faith is naive" story, or potentially a "faith wins out" story. Both of these have been done. To make the editors want to consider it, you need to show that you've got something different to offer. If it is "faith is naive," then it needs to be something different than a standard "That's me in the spotlight losing my religion" story, with or without a love interest. If it is "faith wins out," then don't make it too devotional or starry-eyed. And somehow--I don't know how--get across your different approach in your synopsis.

Horrible things they are, but necessary. You might as well make a fist of it.

I like the synopsis, love the "sport's related", although I agree with Rob Roy. The synopsis is missing what makes your story so great, which to me was the view of her community and the families quest for perfection. The townsview of her families downfall, is part of what makes the story so interesting, what with the fear of the gossip and the need to keep everything secret, so that people won't find out their imperfections.

I want to see you add a sentence after "over their parents' separation," about how she has to keep everything secret.

That to me is the strongest part of the story, how she has to see herself as perfect and that any imperfections destroys her self worth, even when she is trying so hard to be good.

Also you need to put in Kyle's drinking, death, and Nate's drug abuse. And Lyddie's living with her boyfriend. You need to say that, you can't gloss over the details that are the story.

Although Rob's comment that losing my religions stories being done a lot bugs me. No offence Rob, it is true, but every kind of story is told a lot. Some stories are told a lot for a reason.

So they are; the reason might not always be what you suppose. "Faith wins out" stories are also told a lot, and also for a reason. The point is that there needs to be something unique about Angfla's story to make it worth reading in preference to any of the others.

You make a good point about small town gossip; it can be quite devastating. America has over the years produced a large literature on the subject, enough to almost make it a genre of its own. The Mormon aspect could potentially give a different slant to the problem although, again, that has been done too. And usually overdone; those who have played it up seem to have forgotten that gossip was happening in small towns, and continues to happen, entirely absent the baleful influence of those awful Mormons taking casseroles to their neighbours. (How dare they!)

Also--and this is a personal preference--stories that are worth reading should not be "safe." It is typical for reviewers of "losing my religion" stories to rather obsequiously praise their authors for their "courage," as if there was something risky about stereotyping members of small, unpopular, non-violent religious groups as judgmental zealots. There is not; it is perfectly safe. Now if she made the villains a community of Muslims--or gays--then that would not be safe. (Actually if she made them Muslims, it would be at risk of life and limb, so I'm not suggesting she do that. I'm simply mentioning it as a point of contrast.) The point is that in every generation, the overwhelming majority of the literature produced reflects the views of the prevailing culture, often at the expense of the groups on the fringe; the literature that dares to question the assumptions of that culture is *vastly* more courageous.

And the stereotype of Mormons as desperately trying to achieve perfection, and imagining themselves as worthless because they haven't yet, has been done enough that it has become rather trite.

It also fails to resemble any of the Mormons I've ever met, in four different countries in nearly half a century.

Now of course a full-length novel can manage to be considerably more nuanced than a few sentences in a BB post, and I would hope that it is. The challenge (getting back to the topic) is to somehow convey that in a one-page synopsis. As someone who has read the whole, Shimiqua, you seem to be in a unique position to help Angfla out.

Tell us, please, that it's not a caricature in which all the Mormons wear black hats and all the non- or ex-Mormons wear white hats?

I agree with both you and shimiqua. Most stories have been told before. In fact, I think it would be a hard thing indeed to find a completely original story. I do, however, agree with you that a story of this kind needs to have something unique about it to set it apart in an often done plot. Frankly, I don't know if my story has that or not.

I know that gossip and mean spiritedness in small towns existed long before Relief Society. A small Mormon town is where my story is set so some of the mean spiritedness does come from them. I imagine had I grown up in a small predominantly Catholic or Baptist town or a town with no unifying religion whatsoever the same thing could be said of it as well. A perfect example of this is "Salem's Lot" by Stephen King. I'm glad that you haven't known Mormons who were hurt by their pursuit of perfection. Again, this story is told based on my experience and that was the LDS world that I knew. That being said my intent in writing this book was not and is not to badmouth Mormons.

It's not a story where all the non Mormons wear white hats and all the Mormons wear black hats. That's part of the conflict in the book. The MC can see that there are people in her life i.e. her father, two of her best friends who are good people that she loves very much who live their lives according to the tenets of the LDS faith and find a great deal of happiness there. On the other hand she also sees her mother and her sister who have chosen to leave the LDS church find happiness in their lifestyle choices also. She's trying to figure out where she can be happy. It's not really about finding or losing religion. It's about one person redefining her faith in a way that works for her. Maybe that's what makes my story unique. I don't know. But again, thanks for the pointers. You and Shimiqua's advice combined gave me an idea of how to write the synopsis so it will be more interesting and hopefully get to the heart of my story. I appreciate all your help and if you're interested in reading the redrafted synopsis I'd be more than happy to post it here, since I would like your take on the second draft.

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited March 02, 2009).]

Some more points about your synopsis:

1) Name the main characters, and only them. I don't know if they've given you specific guidelines; absent those, make the first mention of each character first name and surname in block letters, and subsequent mentions by first name only, in normal name case. Example: "ELIZABETH BAEKER (Beth) is a Mormon girl...." Don't give her three names in the synopsis unless you want the editors to know that she writes religious poetry.

Rule of thumb: when it's finished, if you hold it out at arm's length and see too many block letters, you've named too many characters. Trim some. The main characters are those that make a significant difference to the trajectory of the plot: probably not more than 3 or 4. Don't name her brother or sister or mother unless they do something that seriously affects the action.

2) Describe the plot in terms of the main conflict and how it is resolved. Avoid the temptation to describe any sub-plots or "twists."

3) Think of it as a mini-story of its own. Craft it as well as you can, given the space limitations.

I'd be delighted to see the next draft.

Ard-choille,
Rob Roy

Please know I am not trying to insult Mormons. I am a Mormon, and I say that proudly.

1) When you do multiple versions, it's a good idea to leave the first draft in the original post, and put the second draft in the later post. That way we can compare the two. Your final draft may well take elements from both/all of the drafts leading up to it, but we can no longer suggest something like "take the first paragraph from the second draft, the third from the first, and combine them."

2) I'm not fond of your parenthetical inserts, like "(I hear KYLE BAEKER drinks like a fish.)" This is a little bit "cute," and I'm not sure it works in a synopsis. (You might want to get a second opinion on that, as I don't really know what YA editors/publishers are looking for. It might be okay for them.)

More of a problem though, that "drinks like a fish" is derisive, which isn't a very good way to introduce someone's life-threatening problem. Do you want your readers to feel sorry for Kyle, or jeer at him? Is he a character with any significance in himself, or just a foil for Beth's character development?

The "I hear" sounds gossipy. This doesn't make your narrative voice a very sympathetic one, particularly if you are going to be hard on any characters who spread gossip. It could work in the text itself, but only if the POV is that of one of the gossipy neighbours.

Also, since siblings have been known to share surnames, I'd suggest you introduce him as "her brother KYLE." Ditto with other family members.

3) "Beth fails to save Nate and decides to commit suicide." By contrast, this one is dry, even clinical. "Beth breaks a nail and decides to have a manicure." Is this how you want to introduce the climactic crisis?

4) "During her suicide attempt, Beth realizes that just as it was up to Kyle and Nate to take responsibility for themselves, if Beth doesn’t want to die she has to save herself."

Well, I'm glad she finally learned one bit of core Mormon doctrine. It sounds like it might have saved her a whole lot of heartache if she'd figured it out earlier; asking her bishop might have been more efficient though.

That aside, the problem with this sentence is that the structure is awkward. Try something like this:

"During her suicide attempt, Beth realizes that it was up to Kyle and Nate to take responsibility for themselves; and in the same way, if she doesn’t want to die she has to save herself."

I agree with Rob Roy on a few of his points, especially on the decides to commit suicide. That feelslike it kind of comes out of nowhere, and way to clinical. Focus on the why and I think it will sound less jarring.

Also, I think the (Kyle drinks like a fish) is weird, I'd rather hear you say he is in rehab for a drinking problem. I also think the (they're not old enough yet), seems weird. Maybe (she is only fifteen.)

I think you need to say something about the towns gossip in order to make (things) clearer.

Maybe something like: There are a lot of rules to follow, and neighbors watching to see when you don't. Or something.

please don't be discouraged by my comments above. I actually think draft 2 improved on draft 1 in some important ways; it does seem to give a more complete and holistic view of your story. I'm sure you find the process frustrating, but I believe you'll have a better result at the end of it.

Incidentally, I don't think "reperate" is a word. Perhaps you meant "reparate," which looks like a verb form of "reparation," but I'm not sure that is a word either. The usual form is "to make reparation." There's nothing wrong with unusual word constructions in your text, but I'd seriously want to leave them out of your synopsis.

Up above you'll see my first attempt reposted per your advice(I'm an electronic packrat. I save drafts of everything) and my third attempt posted.

In re: your comment about the bishop, Beth has been lying for months and months to cover her brother's drinking and is afraid of what the consequences will be if she tells anyone. She considers telling her bishop, but she feels that she's done something so horrible that she wants to just keep it between herself and God. Also another aspect of the book is that she's been told for so long to put a pretty face on things and to deal with ugliness without getting outside help that that's how she deals with her guilt and pain over her brother's death. So you're right she could have saved herself a lot of pain and anguish if she would have reached out for help, but she didn't know to do that. And also sometimes it doesn't matter how many times somebody tells you something unless you feel the truth of what they're saying in your heart. Sometimes the only way to get there is to find it out for yourself. So yeah there's my little soapbox. Thanks for indulging me

The stuff in parentheses is actually statements being made by gossipy neighbors. I hope that's clearer on this draft. It was a device that I came up with because of something Sheena suggested to me. I'm not sure if it works or not either, but I like it and it gets the info about her family out there with a minimum of words, which is good since I only have a page to work with. I'm going with it. I hope it works out.

Question and you might not know the answer but I'm going to ask anyway? The contest guidelines say one page double spaced with a one inch margin. Does that mean 1 inch margin all around or just at the top and bottom. Word defaults to a 11/4 inch margin on the sides and if I can turn it into an inch all around my third draft fits onto one page. If not, I'm a sentence and a half over, but I don't want them to think I'm cheating on the margins and dq my stuff.

Another question and I might regret asking this, but is there anything in my synopsis that strikes you as unique and interesting or does this sound like a redone and recycled premise that no one wants to see again?

Once again, thanks for all the tips and feedback. It's helping tons.

I endorse shimiqua's observation: you can trim the first sentence without losing any information.

Also, you seem to have tried an odd form of sentence construction in the passage starting with "Big Ten," almost as if you tried to nest sentences inside sentences. That sort of thing works in computer programming languages, but not in English. Simple grammatical mistakes can get your submission binned in a millisecond. Here's what you wrote:

"Along with the Big Ten there’s also ‘don’t drink’ (I hear KYLE BAEKER’s in rehab for alcoholism.). ‘Don’t have premarital sex’ (LYDDIE BAEKER moved in with her boyfriend!). ‘Don’t date before sixteen’ (Beth Baeker and NATE GALVIE can’t be dating. She’s only fifteen.)."

How many sentences do you count in that?

An alternative -- and this is only an example -- might be to try something like this:

"Along with the Big Ten there’s also ‘don’t drink,’ ‘don’t have premarital sex,’ and ‘don’t date before sixteen.’ But the neighbors are saying, 'I hear KYLE BAEKER’s in rehab for alcoholism,' 'did you hear LYDDIE BAEKER moved in with her boyfriend?' and 'Beth and NATE GALVIE can’t be dating. She’s only fifteen.'"

(I actually think "Big Ten" is a bit cheesy, but that's a question of taste.)

My example may be a bit too long for your needs. I'm not trying to spoon-feed you, merely to suggest another way of looking at it. You may well come up with a third alternative.

When they ask for margins, as I understand it they usually mean left and right, which is where they scribble their hand-written comments. Have they said anything about font?

I think draft no. 3 is the best so far. If you are satisfied that it hits the main points of your story, then you're probably close to where you want to be with it.

As for your unique perspective: I think telling it from the POV of an adolescent girl is reasonably unusual. You also seem to have captured that POV rather well; she presents very much as an "it's all about meeee" girl. Even when she helps out Nate, it's not because she cares about him, but because she thinks it'll get brownie points for her.

This isn't a criticism, BTW; it's praise. You've presented an authentic teen-girl view of things. I know; I've raised two of them. I once gave my daughter an object lesson that went something like this: near the end of a long conversation about her various concerns, I said, "Sweetheart, take a look out the window. See that big yellow thing in the sky?"

"You mean the sun?"

"That's it. Do you know what the difference is between you and it?"

"What?"

"The whole world really does revolve around it."

I'm not 100% sure she believed me.

Incidentally, I heard on the radio news this morning that a recent study found that "low self-esteem" is one of the top three concerns for teenage girls. (Needless to say, I live in a relatively low-Mormon area.) Thus, it seems that Mormon expectations cannot be the cause of this phenomenon; rather it is likely that it merely informs the self-talk of girls with low self-esteem who just happen to be Mormon. IOW, Mormon girls might explain their low self-esteem in those terms simply because it represents their cultural background; girls from other cultures will explain their low self-esteem in terms that relate to their own experience; but the underlying problem is the same across the board. I mention that for whatever relevance it may have to what you are trying to achieve.

Up above you'll find attempt number four. I'm mailing this out tomorrow during my lunch break so speak before 1:00 p.m. tomorrow MST or forever hold your peace.

Rob, they did say Times New Roman or Courier 12 pt. I've got it in Times and I did find an email for the contest administrator and she told me one inch margins all around. Yippee! You wouldn't think a half inch totaly makes that much difference, but it really does.

Thanks again for all the suggestions and help. I really do appreciate it.

And Sheena again good luck with your synopsis. I'd love to look at any further edits you do, so keep on posting.

Angie