posted
Hi all. This is the first 13 lines of the prologue to my fantasy novel. It's a retelling of the Persephone/Demeter myth and is complete at appx 115,000 words. I'm having a rough time with the first 13 though. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
First 13
Hera watched them, her husband and his lover. She saw how Demeter arched toward him, her long golden hair spilling over her bare breasts, her deep blue eyes partially closed, her pregnant belly an ungainly obstacle between them. She heard Demeter cry out when their passion reached its peak. Zeus bellowed in ecstasy only moments later. Then they sagged, breathing hard, limbs still entangled as they lay together on an ovoid portion of meadow grass flattened by their lovemaking.
Only when they slept did Hera become conscious of the slow ooze of blood dripping down the heels of both palms. She opened her hands, turned them up to find four crescent shaped gouges in the palms of both that welled with blood. A smile twisted her lips and then she raised her hands, first one and then the other to lick off the precious liquid.
Second attempt
Hera watched them, her husband and his lover. Concealed by the low branches of a juniper tree, part of the forest that surrounded the meadow where they lay, she saw Demeter arch toward him. Her long golden hair spilled over her bare breasts. Her eyes were closed, her mouth partially open, her pregnant belly an ungainly obstacle between them. She heard Demeter cry out when their passion reached its peak. Zeus bellowed in ecstasy only moments later. Then they sagged, breathing hard, limbs still entangled as they lay together on the flowers and grass flattened by their lovemaking.
Only when they slept did Hera become conscious of a slow, wet ooze dripping out of her clenched fists. She opened her hands, turned them over to find four crescent shaped gouges welling
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited August 05, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 05, 2009).]
posted
Okay, I'm not very good at first 13's myself. But the first thing that struck me is:
Who is 'she'? She knows her name. If we're in her POV, we probably should know it to. And maybe a hint of why she's playing the voyeur and watching two other people make love.
My guess, of course, is that it's Hera, since you're playing off the Greek myths. That knowledge would give an edge to why she's watching and why she dug her nails into her own hands.
posted
It is Hera that's watching. I wasn't sure about keeping her identity from the reader at first. I do reveal that it's her within the first page, but I guess it doesn't work to wait that long. I've changed the first 13 to identify Hera right off. Could you tell me if that works any better and what you think of the rest of it?
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited August 05, 2009).]
posted
Pretty good. I was a bit taken aback at opening with a sex scene, but the phrase “her pregnant belly an ungainly obstacle between them” made it seem human, and not too racy. It was well written. I love the last line, which hints at how dangerous she might be ("precious" blood and not caring about pain both imply power). It makes it plausible that she wouldn’t mind hurting herself this way (I think most people wouldn’t go so far).
Nits follow; beware, sometimes I tweak too much, to pare things down and eliminate repetition.
“Hera watched them, her husband and his lover.” This could be a little smoother, and perhaps say how Hera is concealed from them as she watches. After all, they’re in a meadow. How close is she, to observe the color of partially closed eyes?
“an ovoid portion of” sounds too technical.
“become conscious of the slow ooze of blood” – did she see it? If so, maybe use a color (red/scarlet/crimson) instead of “blood”. If not, how does she know its blood? Wouldn’t pain get her attention first?
“dripping down the heels of both palms” – she had her hands raised up? Then why did she need to turn them up, and then raise them? I would expect they were down, with: dripping through her fingers OR clenched fists.
Rephrased: She opened her hands and found four crescents gouged in each palm, welling with blood.
Suggest cutting: first one and then the other Or change “then she raised her hands, first one and then the other to lick” -> to: “licked” (too many “hands”). But maybe not; I don’t want you to lose the deliberate feeling of her action. That is what gives this last line its power. Could she lick the blood off each finger (while waiting for the cuts to stop bleeding)? To stretch it even further; would it make sense for her to study her opponent while licking up the "precious" blood? Sinister...
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 05, 2009).]
posted
Mrs. Brown, you and I must run on the same wavelength. Most of the changes you suggested I made in a further edit that I did on my own this morning. I didn't, however, catch that Hera would have to be really close to see eye color or repetitive use of hands in the last paragraph and I also didn't catch that if her hands were at her sides then blood wouldn't be running down the heels of her palms. Thank you for pointing those out. I've put an edited version above. If you could let me know what you think I'd appreciate it. Also I was wondering if you would have any interest in reading the whole prologue and giving me your opinion. It's a little less than 6,500 words long.
P.S. The next paragraph describes Hera lapping up the blood while she continues to observe them.
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited August 05, 2009).]
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