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Karl could only wonder if the recent protest had been the source of the city’s dismay. From his reports, he saw that the protests had begun to pick up momentum. Originating in some small no-named city six weeks ago and now the protest were here in Alexandria - the epicenter for the world. There must be another reason he thought, as he throw his reports to the ground. Looking again on the city hoping to be reminded of how warm and embracing the city was even amongst its cold metal exterior.
The reports identified József Alvinczi as the main agitator behind the protest; he’s part of an anti government group calling themselves CFS. Prior to six weeks ago CFS was merely a rumor, or conjecture on the lips of conspiracy theorist – six weeks ago they became real.
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The writing is good and I have a decent taste of the setting and stuff, which is all good. But I'm kind of skeptical that someone whose business it is to know wouldn't know what such a large protest would be about. I've never been in a protest but I've seen my share and protestors are always willing to say what they're protesting, and more often than not some pretty good clues are on the huge signs they're waving. I guess what I'm saying is that if this guy does know what it's about, you should tell us, and if he doesn't know what it's about ... I just don't buy it.
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I think a crit on this piece ended up under "Alexandria" over in Short Stories. I read the other piece and was confused about the critiquer's references to Karl and protests.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009
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This is good, but I am tripping over a lot of repeated words like 'reports' and 'the city'. Try and cut a couple of these where possible.
'The reports identified József Alvinczi as the main agitator behind the protest' You can cut the 'behind the protest' part since we already know what your talking about from the first paragraph.
My last thing is I agree with Zero, there's not much point to a protest if no one knows what your protesting. This guy should know what it's about and if he knows, so should the reader.
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Karl could only wonder if the recent protest had been the source of the city’s dismay This opening line is weird to me--more on this at the end. From his reports, he saw that the protests had begun to pick up momentum. Originating in some small no-named city six weeks ago and now the protest were here in Alexandria - the epicenter for the world. There must be another reason he thought, as he throw threw? his reports to the ground. Looking again on the city hoping to be reminded of how warm and embracing the city was even amongst its cold metal exterior sentence fragment. The reports identified József Alvinczi as the main agitator behind the protest; he’s tense shift part of an anti government group calling themselves CFS. Prior to six weeks ago CFS was merely a rumor, or conjecture on the lips of conspiracy theorist – six weeks ago they became real.Okay, at this point, I've already gotten that something changed six weeks ago. I really don't want details of the set up at this point. Instead, I need more story. Who is Karl, why does he have a report in his hand, what is he doing, how horrible are the protests, etc.
The opening line was a bit odd to me. What dismay is he seeing or sensing other than the protests? If there is none, then it's kind of a moot point--obviously the protests are what's troubling the city, as he explains later on. There's a lot of description about the city, but precious little about Karl himself. I probably would not turn the page.
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The shifting tenses have already been mentioned so I will assume that fix is underway. You might consider replacing 'no-name' with 'insignificant'as it might be smoother.
The third sentence you should probably drop 'and' or reword to make it clearer. At "reason he thought, as he threw..." drop the comma.
I agree that we should know what the protest is about and what role this character plays in relation to those protests. What does CFS stand for?
Overall the idea sounds like it might be interesting but I find the opening somewhat confusing. I think it's a good sign that you make me want to know more though
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