posted
I'm curious to know what you guys think about this one. It's a little 'warm'.
Lewis was having the worst of the worst kind of bad dream, so vivid that it MUST be real – only once again he was a ghost; the Invisible Boy submerged in the ugly mess inside someone else’s head. This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread as he led Mrs. Scholz into their barn with one sweaty hand clamped onto a perfumed wrist. His father saw her very differently than Lewis ever had. She looked sly and excited and – and sort of all heated up. In the dream it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church, though Lewis didn’t know how he knew this. His Da locked the barn door with a methodical deliberation without taking his eyes off the lady. She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth and pushed his Da past reason.
quote:Lewis was having the worst of the worst kind of bad dream, so vivid that it MUST be real – only once again he was a ghost; the Invisible Boy submerged in the ugly mess inside someone else’s head. I would cut the ghost and invisible boy part, and just say he was submerged in someone elses mind. The way I see this is he is possessing his father. If this is true than you only need to tell us he is in someone else's mind. The ghost part was unnecessary and a little confusing. This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread (I don't get the dread. Is it because of guilt because he is about to commit adultery? Or is he somehow being forced? I think you can make this more clear. as he led Mrs. Scholz into their barn with one sweaty hand clamped onto a perfumed wrist. His father saw her very differently than Lewis ever had. She looked sly and excited and – and sort of all heated up. In the dream (comma) it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church, though Lewis didn’t know how he knew this. His Da locked the barn door with a methodical deliberation without taking his eyes off the lady. She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth (I don't get this. Is Lewis physically there? If so how is he submerged with his dad?) and pushed his Da past reason.
posted
Thank you. He is dreaming an episode of foreknowledge in which his father acts on one of his darker 'wishes' and he has to go along for the ride. He doesn't really know what is going on, is seven and very confused by the whole thing. I will think on it some more, thanks!
I would cut the ghost and invisible boy part, and just say he was submerged in someone elses mind. **wah! I liked that part!** This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread (I don't get the dread. Is it because of guilt because he is about to commit adultery? **YEP, exactly** She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth (I don't get this. Is Lewis physically there? If so how is he submerged with his dad?)**you're right, it doesn't work. thanks!**
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited October 17, 2009).]
posted
To be honest,i liked the first 13 more. This is a little confusing for me. When you wrote "Of course it would be" in the first 13, it gave a special.. i dunno,trait to the MC. Of course,take this with a huge grain of salt. This intro might overcomplicate things. I mean, do you really need an precog dream? It might sound nice on a micro structure level,but what does it accomplish on a large scale? Some people will understand,others won't. Plus, dreams are static, they (almost) never affect external conflicts, it's like describing a winter painting, beautiful, but without context, meaningless. Dreams are usefull when we get a feel of the character, and serve better when they show under a mask the characters wishes and desires ( and that's why it's better to have them later, when we can make sense of that dream).
But,take this with a huge grain of salt.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited October 17, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited October 17, 2009).]
posted
No, I am thinking. I am sure you guys are right. There is a reason Lewis distances himself from people and why he has to fight his way back from that. But you are right that it doesn't have to be at the beginning and may be an important obstacle for him but not be so important to the story itself. I have to put this in somewhere but it doesn't have to be at the beginning and it sounds like it should not be.
Thanks very much for responding. I don't have anyone but you guys to read this stuff so I really appreciate it.
posted
I don't think i'm right, i only think what I (me,eu,MUAHAHa) would do, but you know your story, you have the first "feel" of the story, of the plot, of the characters, and you're the best person to decide whether you're gonna start with the dream, or with the morall narrator voice or whatever. I just see the first 13, judge them on their effect on my curiosity, my imagination, and then on what might happen next and how would they fit.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited October 17, 2009).]
posted
I didn't get the feeling that Lewis was a child. I thought he was at least a teenager. Your POV seems to be close 3rd, but the phrasing and vocabulary are too sophisticated for a child.
quote:Lewis was having the worst of the worst kind of bad dream, so vivid that it MUST be real – only once again he was a ghost; the Invisible Boy submerged in the ugly mess inside someone else’s head. This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread as he led Mrs. Scholz into their barn with one sweaty hand clamped onto a perfumed wrist. His father saw her very differently than Lewis ever had. She looked sly and excited and – and sort of all heated up. In the dream it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church, though Lewis didn’t know how he knew this. His Da locked the barn door with a methodical deliberation without taking his eyes off the lady. She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth and pushed his Da past reason.
I bolded some of the words and phrases that seemed too mature.
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