I'm an absolute amateur so be gentle with me. This is the first 13 lines of my story about a druid girl (who lived in the amazon) who teleports into the middle of the desert (in Egypt). People have been destroying the Amazon rainforest and destroyed her home, at the last second she teleported after watching her son teleport too. Her son is five years old and she's on a mission to find him. She finds the city of Tiet in Egypt where the Sultan has kept a secret from everyone. People inside the city don't know that outside it's a modern world, and the Sultan has kept everyone isolated inside the city.

Anyway I hope you enjoy the first 13 lines.

Cheers,

Kylie

Redness flicked against the blue sky, the wind danced with my hair; twisting and rolling. I ripped a piece of cloth wrapped it around my head shielding my delicate skin from the scorching sun. I was going to blister and burn if I didn’t get out of here. I was careful not to let the hot sand touch my skin, it stung like needles. Which direction should I walk in? I raised my hand up shielding my eyes from the glare of the desert. There was nothing, just the empty stretch of lonely sandy hills. I had nothing left, no-where to go. I cringed controlling my thoughts, I couldn’t let them go there yet, back to the scene of death and destruction, if I did I would collapse-- crumble like a delicate petal. I had to stay strong for them. I put my hand out, spread my fingers and closed my

If you want to read a bit more.
http://afableroffantasy.blogspot.com/

You mention some redness flicking across the blue sky, but don't explain what that redness is. I'm left a little confused.

The semicolon at the end of then first sentence turns the last part of the sentence into fagment; try a full stop in place of the first comma and then a comma or em-dash instead (or en-dashes, if that's what you're using) instead of the semicolon. There seems to be a few commas (or possibly an 'and') missing in the second sentence, and its a long run on sentence. Try: I ripped a piece of cloth [and] wrapped it around my head, shielding my delicate skin from the scorching sun.

With respect to your 13 lines, I'd prefer a little more structure. It reads a bit like stream of consciousness. Maybe that's what you want, but it makes it a bit hard to read for me.

"Redness flicked against the blue sky." I'm not sure what this means. Maybe "redness flickered across the blue sky"? In any case, it would help the imagery if we had some idea what was causing the redness.

You might want to tell us where she rips the piece of cloth from.

If it's really that windy, it might be hard to keep the hot sand from touching her skin. If it's not so bad, you might want to say that the breeze danced with her hair.

I'd suggest starting a new paragraph for deciding where to go.

"I couldn't let THEM go there yet." I don't know what "them" refers to. I thought maybe you meant her thoughts, but you follow up by saying "I had to stay strong for them," and I can't see "them" referring to thoughts there.

I'm guessing the "scene of death and destruction" refers to the Amazon, given your intro, but there's nothing in these 13 lines to tell us that. You might want to say something like the "scene of death and destruction in her homeland."

If these lines refer to the time right after she teleports, she should probably be wondering where she is. Unless she already knew just what to expect, I think she would be curious. Also, if she just teleported here looking for her son (I assume this is the mother's viewpoint), it seems like she should be thinking about him. I'd start out with her wondering where her son might be before you even describe the surroundings.

If I'm getting the image correctly, you might want to say "the familiar green essence SPRANG from the earth below" instead of "trailed." I assume you'll elaborate later about what the essence is.

Good luck!

Yes - I know that alot of advice I've gotten about writing is your reader shouldn't be confused. I agree that some parts were very confusing and I haven't explained myself properly. I'm seeing now that how I read it is different to what I've written, as I've already got the imagine in my mind - whereas the reader doesn't.

I have a few problems with punctuation. I've always struggled with it in writing. Spelling and grammar is pretty good - perhaps I'll hire an editor when I'm done.

Here's some good site that spells grammar and punctuation out in simple terms, easy to follow terms:

http://www.kimskorner4teachertalk.com/writing/sixtrait/conventions/punctuation.html
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/

Feteira (the protagonist) has teleported from her forest during panic which was fueled by men cutting down the rainforest. Her son sabio is five and he teleported as the machines crashed down on him. She has no idea where he is. Feteira has to find him as he holds onto a key part of the soul of the amazon rainforest -- I'm not entirely sure what that is yet, but that plus her mother instinct is motivating her to find him. He's only very young, druids mature slowly in the forest. Also, she is drained of energy and can not teleport back until she gets a concentrated source, she deduces she'll have to travel by men's ways (aeroplane, ship, whatever).

As to your stream of consciousness comment, I agree I do tend to write like that but it's just my style. Once dialogue occurs and more information about characters is revealed, that tends to slow down a bit. Also, she's still in a panic from what just happened so her minds racing. I should probably show that more.

Stream of consciousness can be effective, but if you're opening your story that way, you have to be careful you're as clear as possible so you don't lose your reader right off the bat.

Is that any better?

I think both versions are good, but I like the first one better, except the first line. I didn't understand the red against the blue sky was her hair. The second version made that clear.

I am wondering if your mc has ever seen the desert before if she is from the rain forest. If not, I expect her to be a little more shocked at seeing the endless sand. Also, hot sand can burn and it is a gritty, but "stabbing barbs" seem overly dramatic and doesn't work IMO, unless this isn't your normal sand.

I'm trying not to refer to needles because it's her narrative, her knowledge of needles (as in things we inject with) would be pretty narrow. So I was thinking of forest things that would feel similar, the barbs on some vines would feel similar so that's what I used.

Your first sentence strikes me as out of place with the rest of your description. You begin by saying the wind was dancing, but then you talk about scorching, stabbing, and describe the environment as lonely. Would your main character really use that adjective to describe the wind in a place where everything else is savage and uncaring?

I'll have a bit more of a think about the stinging sand too.